As all of you who are married to a vampire already realize, the world can be a very intolerant place.

That’s why the decision by Facebook to expand it’s self-describing Profile/Relationship Status choices to include two new gay-friendly categories is so encouraging.  Gay rights groups have loudly applauded the decision as a move in the right direction, and I happen to agree.  Why should straight people be the only ones allowed to demean themselves on Facebook.

But is two new categories enough?  Of course not.  There is always room for improvement.

So I have a few category suggestions that I think should be added to the drop down menu.

But first, just so that you may appreciate the value of my suggested improvements, take a look at the pathetically incomplete category options that Facebook currently offers:

1. Single
2. In a relationship 
3. Engaged
4. Married
5. In an open relationship
6. It’s complicated
7. Widowed
8. Separated
9. Divorced
10. In a civil union
11. In a domestic partnership

These are all nice, and well meaning, but the list is much too limited.  Which is why Facebook should consider expanding the list by making many, many, many more inclusive option additions.  To be truly socially responsible, instead of the above, the list should look more like this:

1. Al-Qaeda Terrorist
2. Single
3. Single and ugly
4. Single and ugly but rich
5. In a relationship
6. Engaged
7. Married
8. In an open relationship
9. Slut
10. Totally lacking self-esteem
11. It’s complicated
12. In jail
13. Not white
14. Utterly shameless
15. Has big feet
16. Cat owner, ...you HAVE TO LOVE MY CATS
17. Widowed
18. Separated
19. Divorced
20. Open to suggestions
21. In a civil union
22. In a civil war
23. (sigh)...kids.
24. In a domestic partnership
25. Doing your mother
26. Married to a vampire
27. Desperate
28. Furry
29. Stalking you
30. Gluten free
31. Former camp counselor for Scott Brown
32. Indian Squaw
33. Covered with open sores
34. Transgender
35. Transsexual
36. Transportation Security Administration official (I do pat downs)
37. Hosni Mubarak
38. I’ll lick anything
39. Craig’s List Killer (reformed)
40. Might have slight drinking problem
41. Having an affair with a UPS driver
42. Sure plays a mean pin ball
43. Saving myself for Jesus
44. There’s a lot I can’t talk about
45. Fat

I think this list is much more realistic and useful, although I think there is room for even more expansion, and that is something that should definitely be pursued.  

It is also possible I may have personalized some of this a little too much.  (See items #14 and #44)

If you have any suggestions, a category you’d like to see added, or perhaps a fetish that you feel has been overlooked, please don’t hesitate to pass them along.

Meanwhile, keep your options open.










©  2011 J. Mark Rast

Things are not looking good for embattled Italian Prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi.  Facing allegations on a variety of very serious ethics charges, including trying to cover up his involvement with a 17-year-old Moroccan prostitute, Berlusconi now faces an estrogen tsunami of negative public opinion exacerbated by the unfortunate fact that he will be pleading his case to a female judge.  So there is a good chance he may soon be out of a job, jailed, or at the very least, castrated.  

Humiliated Italian women are not typically known for their calmed, reasoned responses.  And Moroccan prostitutes, it would seem, do no make first rate character witnesses.

So where next for Silvio?  What is to become of him.  What are his options?  Besides supplanting his wardrobe with an athletic supporter made of titanium steel, what should he do?  What will he do?

According to highly placed KIELBASABLOG sources in Rome (thanks Ratzo!), theories abound.  

These are the most popular...

• He will befriend a cricket, join a circus, turn into a jackass, and learn to spend less time on Pleasure Island.
  
• After resigning his post, he will apologize to his family, to his nation, and to women everywhere.  He will then move to America where he will join the cast of Jersey Shore.
• He will move into deep hiding in Sicily, where surrounded by endearing and loyal bodyguards, he will adopt a simple rural life, mend his ways, and spend his days raising sheep, tomatoes, olives and grapes until eventually he encounters a virtuous village girl whom he will court traditionally and respectfully until they marry and move into a simple country home where they will slowly, and sensitively, consummate their marriage in loving and respectful acts of physical intimacy worthy of a love so true, and a woman so pure. ...after which he will reveal that he has been banging one of her sheep.
• He will take a position as a production assistant on the ground breaking CNN evening news program, Parker Spitzer.  His specific duties will revolve around “craft services” and “making Eliot happy”.
• He will accept a position as a visiting professor at the Charles Sheen Institute of Ethical Behavior teaching a film studies course on Roman Polanski.
• He will move to SoHo, join a gym, and introduce a line of personally designed togas.
• He will become the spokesperson for a new line of hair color products from “Just For Men” called “Just For Disgusting Old Men”.
• He will remain in politics, swearing to continue his commitment to public service.  “As long as there are genuinely important issues from which I can distract attention, I will never stop chasing cosina veloce!”
• He will offer his services to the Vatican as a “love consultant” so that wayward libidinous pedophiliac priests can get back on a righteous path, or at least a hetero one.
• He will reinvent himself in a new career writing apps for smart-phones that will enable users to request sex from underage prostitutes in 23 different middle-eastern languages.
• He will spend the rest of his days cursed with Vesuvius Syndrome, an age based malady that results in painfully extended periods of frustrating dormancy followed by brief, sudden, unsatisfying eruptions.
• He will fade away, ignored, and forgotten.
  

We can only hope.

Ciao, Silvio.





©  2011 J. Mark Rast

A joyous Valentine’s Day to you all.  With any luck, all of you have Valentines, or would be Valentines, or a secret admirer, or perhaps just somebody you are stalking.  But no matter what the arrangement, what matters most is that you are doing your part to keep romance alive.  

I know I am.  I already performed my Valentine’s duties this past weekend, bringing home flowers (twice), sprinkling conversations with flattering comments (all sincere), and generally behaving like a loving, caring,  in-it-for-the-long haul-soulmate, which I am.  (I went to see The King’s Speech, which I didn’t care about seeing...and didn’t overtly complain once!)

And of course, being a seasoned veteran in these matters, I ignored the annual “Oh, you don’t have to get me a gift” spiel, and brought home not one, but two gifts, although these were both received with some trepidation.

That is understandable.  One of the gifts was a season lottery ticket, (which will only truly be appreciated when she actually wins a $300 million jackpot), and the other was a $30 gift certificate to get a Chinese foot massage.

The latter was admittedly a bizarre romantic gesture, but I meant well.  I was going for the humor/whimsy/be adventurous-you’ll probably enjoy a good foot massage reaction.  

The reaction I got was a puzzled Just what the hell are you doing hanging around Chinese massage parlors? kind of thing.  That was tough to explain.

Eventually I was able to talk my way out of peril ("It's across the street from my office...next to a candy store...and a funeral parlor!"), and I’m certain that someday, in a bunion driven impulsive moment, she’ll go for it, and a good story will be born.

Meanwhile, thanks to people like me, romance is safe.

In other news, a quick scan of the headlines reveals that there are others out there handling the Valentine’s Day pressures both better, and worse, than me.

-For instance, in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, a woman gave her husband a wonderful Valentine’s gift by rescuing him from an attacking tiger by clubbing the beast on the head with a large wooden soup ladle she was using to cook him a meal.  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110214/ap_on_re_as/as_malaysia_tiger_attack_2  That’s a trifecta.  She saved his life, cooked him a meal, and provided them both with an amazing afternoon of entertainment.  I’m guessing they probably finished off the day with physical intimacy too, which has always been my reaction after having been attacked by a 900lb man-eating tiger.  The down side is that next year is bound to be a painful letdown for both of them.  (Though..., there’s always the foot massage thing)

-In Pattaya, Thailand, a Valentine’s kissing contest for cash prizes is ongoing after at least 36 hours (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110214/ap_on_fe_st/as_thailand_kissing_contest), with participants required to remain embraced at all times, including bathroom breaks.  To me, that scenario conjures up images so disturbing that I can’t even begin to imagine them.  All I know is that after one joint bathroom break with me, the contest, and any romantic relationship, would be done.

-And then, of course, there are the Valentine’s day woes of Hosni Mubarak, who is probably not getting the volume of Valentine’s Day cards to which he is accustomed.

Oh well, Hosni.  There’s always next year.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska?

Are you kidding?

The suppliers of modern television entertainment content are in dire straits.  The suppliers of modern television entertainment content need help.  They are starving for new series and programming ideas at a time when audiences are becoming more and more jaded, more discriminatory, and more fickle.  Also, the quality of marijuana has improved significantly in recent years and viewers want visual stimulation that can keep up. 

So, because I am benevolent, because I care, because I spend a lot of time surfing the cable box, and because I am part of a clinical beta test of a new mood elevator that has given me an expanded sense of self (along with several side effects that include loss of appetite, unwanted facial hair, and the occasional loose stool),   I’ve decided to share my brilliance, and infuse the television industry with some creative energy by sharing some programming ideas that, up until now,  I have been keeping to myself.  ...Ideas that I believe would be surefire recipes for garnering critical acclaim and ratings success.

Show ideas that I’ve been developing on the side.  

These ideas are the result of both my many years working in the television industry and, to a certain extent, an early childhood head injury.

So here they be:  My ideas.  Each is accompanied with a working title, a brief synopsis, and suggestions for a possible home.

Consider, if you will:


-YOUR SAUCE SUCKS!
For THE FOOD NETWORK.
In this reality competition show that combines innovative cooking with vampirism, contestants battle silver bullets, sunlight, angry villagers, and tricky béarnaise sauces as they vie to become Americas top vampire chef.  You might see a blood pudding, but you’ll never see a wooden steak! 


-LEZ KILL A BEAR!
Designed for BRAVO, and shamelessly surfing the popularity of contemporary alternative lifestyles. this innovative reality series focuses on a group of intrepid backwoods Vermont women as they spend six months exploring feelings and hunting big game deep in the deep damp woods of the Green Mountain forest.  Look out all you Bears!


-YOU’RE NOT LITHENING!
Topical current events are discussed and debated, as best as possible, by a revolving cast of panelists.  The twist here is that none of them speak the same language, most of them have congenital speech disorders, and all of them are blind.  Hosted by Usher.
Look for it on THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK.


-I HOARD YOU WERE HUNGRY!
Prime time on TLC, this rollicking caloric competition would pit ten fanatical foodies with a passion for the palate against the clock, the Board of Health, involuntary gag reflexes, the laws of science, and each other, as they race to create a six course meal using ingredients and cooking utensils drawn from the cupboard and floorboards of a chronic hoarder.  Master of ceremonies Margo Kidder leads the charge. 


-THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HAMTRAMCK, MI
Five swinging Slavic brides rip it up in this sexy, steamy, uproarious sausage heavy roller coaster ride through Detroit’s most iconic dead suburb.  Can you say KIELBASA?  Oh, Babe-Ski!
For LIFETIME.


-I BLAME OBAMA!
The name says it all.  Led by Janine Turner, a revolving panel of celebrity guest pundits from every possible politically conservative discipline take turns spinning the “Wheel of Woe”, a madcap spiraling roulette selector that determines the topic of the night, followed up with a raucous discussion of why every bad thing that has ever happened, to anybody at any time in history, is completely, utterly, and inarguably, Barack O’Bama’s fault.
On FOX.


-KILLER CAKE
Another FOOD NETWORK show about making cakes, except this one has a dark twist.  Contestant bakers are teamed with forensic pathologists, and challenged to use stock ingredients to create life size cake recreations of infamous crime scenes.  Episode #1...the Tate/LaBianca Murders!


-FACE THE MUSIC
Produced jointly for ANIMAL PLANET, THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK, BLOOMBERG TELEVISION, and MTV, this limited run twelve part investigative documentary series will weave investigative journalism and hip hop music as it focuses on the life and death of American pop-culture icon, Travis the Chimp.  This in-depth report will profile Travis, his extended family, his legacy, his victim, and the effects of the Travis tragedy on the commercial primate industry, as well as the growing belief that Travis was in fact, a vampire.  
Was Travis a criminal?  A demon?  A Democrat?  Was he insane?  ...Or was he acting in self-defense?  Defense attorney Gloria Allred squares off with former prosecutor Eliot Spitzer in a mock trial set before a jury of Travis’ peers, comprised of, among others, Ted Danson, Jewel, Donald Trump, Randy Quaid, Kim Kardashian, Michael Steele, Jon Gosselin, Lance Armstrong, Jenny McCarthy and a celebrity baboon to be named later.


-A GHOST OF A CHANCE
Another game show, wherein competing vampire cake making ghost hunters race to convince randomly chosen unsuspecting average citizens...
...that their pants...
...are haunted!
On TrueTV.  Hosted by Ben Roethlisberger 


-THE AMAZING RACISTS
Loosely modeled after a hit CBS series with a similar sounding name, this high speed adventure series will follow 12 ethnically cleansed teams as they blaze a path of intolerance through every third world nation on the map in their quest to win challenges, collect points, purify blood lines, avoid extinction, and prove beyond any possible doubt that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs.
With Mel Gibson.


-WHICH IS THE WITCH?
Based on the 1950‘s McCarthy era classic game show, I’ve Got A Secret, and hosted by former senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, this savvy Game Show Network entry will feature Witches, Warlocks, Wickens, Pagans, Druids, Furries, Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, as they sidestep persecution in this laugh packed prosecution of alternative thinking. 
...The funniest interrogations since the Spanish Inquisition!


-MAD MEN...OPAUSE!
Riffing on the critically acclaimed A&E period drama, Mad Men, this contemporary dark edged sitcom puts an updated spin on the 80’s NBC mega hit, The Golden Girls, ...with a vengeance!  A quartet of vodka drinking, dope smoking, Sudoku playing, embittered middle aged feminist career-gal vegan veterinarians, who are vampires, take turns trading barbs, spaying cats, baking cakes, inappropriately touching UPS guys, snorting Xanax and swinging their liver spotting fists as they slug their way up through the glass ceilings of middle life America...and right into it’s hearts.  An all-star cast features Cynthia Nixon, Raven Simone, Molly Ringwald, and the late Rue Mclanahan, who even in death, is right for the part.
Make some popcorn and get the cat.  Your evening is all planned!



So there you are, Mr. Desperate Network Programmer.  Twelve original series concepts, free for the taking.  So take them.

Meanwhile, I’ll get to work on next year’s crop.  So far I’m thinking something with gay logger dancing bounty hunting  pawn brokers competing with celebrity disaster victim chefs who live in cold climates and drive trucks, are half siblings with Oprah Winfrey, and are vampires.

If I could just come up with a twist.  

Stay tuned.






©  2011 J. Mark Rast