Sarah Palin’s Alaska?
Are you kidding?
The suppliers of modern television entertainment content are in dire straits. The suppliers of modern television entertainment content need help. They are starving for new series and programming ideas at a time when audiences are becoming more and more jaded, more discriminatory, and more fickle. Also, the quality of marijuana has improved significantly in recent years and viewers want visual stimulation that can keep up.
So, because I am benevolent, because I care, because I spend a lot of time surfing the cable box, and because I am part of a clinical beta test of a new mood elevator that has given me an expanded sense of self (along with several side effects that include loss of appetite, unwanted facial hair, and the occasional loose stool), I’ve decided to share my brilliance, and infuse the television industry with some creative energy by sharing some programming ideas that, up until now, I have been keeping to myself. ...Ideas that I believe would be surefire recipes for garnering critical acclaim and ratings success.
Show ideas that I’ve been developing on the side.
These ideas are the result of both my many years working in the television industry and, to a certain extent, an early childhood head injury.
So here they be: My ideas. Each is accompanied with a working title, a brief synopsis, and suggestions for a possible home.
Consider, if you will:
-YOUR SAUCE SUCKS!
For THE FOOD NETWORK.
In this reality competition show that combines innovative cooking with vampirism, contestants battle silver bullets, sunlight, angry villagers, and tricky béarnaise sauces as they vie to become Americas top vampire chef. You might see a blood pudding, but you’ll never see a wooden steak!
-LEZ KILL A BEAR!
Designed for BRAVO, and shamelessly surfing the popularity of contemporary alternative lifestyles. this innovative reality series focuses on a group of intrepid backwoods Vermont women as they spend six months exploring feelings and hunting big game deep in the deep damp woods of the Green Mountain forest. Look out all you Bears!
-YOU’RE NOT LITHENING!
Topical current events are discussed and debated, as best as possible, by a revolving cast of panelists. The twist here is that none of them speak the same language, most of them have congenital speech disorders, and all of them are blind. Hosted by Usher.
Look for it on THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK.
-I HOARD YOU WERE HUNGRY!
Prime time on TLC, this rollicking caloric competition would pit ten fanatical foodies with a passion for the palate against the clock, the Board of Health, involuntary gag reflexes, the laws of science, and each other, as they race to create a six course meal using ingredients and cooking utensils drawn from the cupboard and floorboards of a chronic hoarder. Master of ceremonies Margo Kidder leads the charge.
-THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HAMTRAMCK, MI
Five swinging Slavic brides rip it up in this sexy, steamy, uproarious sausage heavy roller coaster ride through Detroit’s most iconic dead suburb. Can you say KIELBASA? Oh, Babe-Ski!
For LIFETIME.
-I BLAME OBAMA!
The name says it all. Led by Janine Turner, a revolving panel of celebrity guest pundits from every possible politically conservative discipline take turns spinning the “Wheel of Woe”, a madcap spiraling roulette selector that determines the topic of the night, followed up with a raucous discussion of why every bad thing that has ever happened, to anybody at any time in history, is completely, utterly, and inarguably, Barack O’Bama’s fault.
On FOX.
-KILLER CAKE
Another FOOD NETWORK show about making cakes, except this one has a dark twist. Contestant bakers are teamed with forensic pathologists, and challenged to use stock ingredients to create life size cake recreations of infamous crime scenes. Episode #1...the Tate/LaBianca Murders!
-FACE THE MUSIC
Produced jointly for ANIMAL PLANET, THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK, BLOOMBERG TELEVISION, and MTV, this limited run twelve part investigative documentary series will weave investigative journalism and hip hop music as it focuses on the life and death of American pop-culture icon, Travis the Chimp. This in-depth report will profile Travis, his extended family, his legacy, his victim, and the effects of the Travis tragedy on the commercial primate industry, as well as the growing belief that Travis was in fact, a vampire.
Was Travis a criminal? A demon? A Democrat? Was he insane? ...Or was he acting in self-defense? Defense attorney Gloria Allred squares off with former prosecutor Eliot Spitzer in a mock trial set before a jury of Travis’ peers, comprised of, among others, Ted Danson, Jewel, Donald Trump, Randy Quaid, Kim Kardashian, Michael Steele, Jon Gosselin, Lance Armstrong, Jenny McCarthy and a celebrity baboon to be named later.
-A GHOST OF A CHANCE
Another game show, wherein competing vampire cake making ghost hunters race to convince randomly chosen unsuspecting average citizens...
...that their pants...
...are haunted!
On TrueTV. Hosted by Ben Roethlisberger
-THE AMAZING RACISTS
Loosely modeled after a hit CBS series with a similar sounding name, this high speed adventure series will follow 12 ethnically cleansed teams as they blaze a path of intolerance through every third world nation on the map in their quest to win challenges, collect points, purify blood lines, avoid extinction, and prove beyond any possible doubt that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs.
With Mel Gibson.
-WHICH IS THE WITCH?
Based on the 1950‘s McCarthy era classic game show, I’ve Got A Secret, and hosted by former senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, this savvy Game Show Network entry will feature Witches, Warlocks, Wickens, Pagans, Druids, Furries, Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, as they sidestep persecution in this laugh packed prosecution of alternative thinking.
...The funniest interrogations since the Spanish Inquisition!
-MAD MEN...OPAUSE!
Riffing on the critically acclaimed A&E period drama, Mad Men, this contemporary dark edged sitcom puts an updated spin on the 80’s NBC mega hit, The Golden Girls, ...with a vengeance! A quartet of vodka drinking, dope smoking, Sudoku playing, embittered middle aged feminist career-gal vegan veterinarians, who are vampires, take turns trading barbs, spaying cats, baking cakes, inappropriately touching UPS guys, snorting Xanax and swinging their liver spotting fists as they slug their way up through the glass ceilings of middle life America...and right into it’s hearts. An all-star cast features Cynthia Nixon, Raven Simone, Molly Ringwald, and the late Rue Mclanahan, who even in death, is right for the part.
Make some popcorn and get the cat. Your evening is all planned!
So there you are, Mr. Desperate Network Programmer. Twelve original series concepts, free for the taking. So take them.
Meanwhile, I’ll get to work on next year’s crop. So far I’m thinking something with gay logger dancing bounty hunting pawn brokers competing with celebrity disaster victim chefs who live in cold climates and drive trucks, are half siblings with Oprah Winfrey, and are vampires.
If I could just come up with a twist.
Stay tuned.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
Are you kidding?
The suppliers of modern television entertainment content are in dire straits. The suppliers of modern television entertainment content need help. They are starving for new series and programming ideas at a time when audiences are becoming more and more jaded, more discriminatory, and more fickle. Also, the quality of marijuana has improved significantly in recent years and viewers want visual stimulation that can keep up.
So, because I am benevolent, because I care, because I spend a lot of time surfing the cable box, and because I am part of a clinical beta test of a new mood elevator that has given me an expanded sense of self (along with several side effects that include loss of appetite, unwanted facial hair, and the occasional loose stool), I’ve decided to share my brilliance, and infuse the television industry with some creative energy by sharing some programming ideas that, up until now, I have been keeping to myself. ...Ideas that I believe would be surefire recipes for garnering critical acclaim and ratings success.
Show ideas that I’ve been developing on the side.
These ideas are the result of both my many years working in the television industry and, to a certain extent, an early childhood head injury.
So here they be: My ideas. Each is accompanied with a working title, a brief synopsis, and suggestions for a possible home.
Consider, if you will:
-YOUR SAUCE SUCKS!
For THE FOOD NETWORK.
In this reality competition show that combines innovative cooking with vampirism, contestants battle silver bullets, sunlight, angry villagers, and tricky béarnaise sauces as they vie to become Americas top vampire chef. You might see a blood pudding, but you’ll never see a wooden steak!
-LEZ KILL A BEAR!
Designed for BRAVO, and shamelessly surfing the popularity of contemporary alternative lifestyles. this innovative reality series focuses on a group of intrepid backwoods Vermont women as they spend six months exploring feelings and hunting big game deep in the deep damp woods of the Green Mountain forest. Look out all you Bears!
-YOU’RE NOT LITHENING!
Topical current events are discussed and debated, as best as possible, by a revolving cast of panelists. The twist here is that none of them speak the same language, most of them have congenital speech disorders, and all of them are blind. Hosted by Usher.
Look for it on THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK.
-I HOARD YOU WERE HUNGRY!
Prime time on TLC, this rollicking caloric competition would pit ten fanatical foodies with a passion for the palate against the clock, the Board of Health, involuntary gag reflexes, the laws of science, and each other, as they race to create a six course meal using ingredients and cooking utensils drawn from the cupboard and floorboards of a chronic hoarder. Master of ceremonies Margo Kidder leads the charge.
-THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HAMTRAMCK, MI
Five swinging Slavic brides rip it up in this sexy, steamy, uproarious sausage heavy roller coaster ride through Detroit’s most iconic dead suburb. Can you say KIELBASA? Oh, Babe-Ski!
For LIFETIME.
-I BLAME OBAMA!
The name says it all. Led by Janine Turner, a revolving panel of celebrity guest pundits from every possible politically conservative discipline take turns spinning the “Wheel of Woe”, a madcap spiraling roulette selector that determines the topic of the night, followed up with a raucous discussion of why every bad thing that has ever happened, to anybody at any time in history, is completely, utterly, and inarguably, Barack O’Bama’s fault.
On FOX.
-KILLER CAKE
Another FOOD NETWORK show about making cakes, except this one has a dark twist. Contestant bakers are teamed with forensic pathologists, and challenged to use stock ingredients to create life size cake recreations of infamous crime scenes. Episode #1...the Tate/LaBianca Murders!
-FACE THE MUSIC
Produced jointly for ANIMAL PLANET, THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK, BLOOMBERG TELEVISION, and MTV, this limited run twelve part investigative documentary series will weave investigative journalism and hip hop music as it focuses on the life and death of American pop-culture icon, Travis the Chimp. This in-depth report will profile Travis, his extended family, his legacy, his victim, and the effects of the Travis tragedy on the commercial primate industry, as well as the growing belief that Travis was in fact, a vampire.
Was Travis a criminal? A demon? A Democrat? Was he insane? ...Or was he acting in self-defense? Defense attorney Gloria Allred squares off with former prosecutor Eliot Spitzer in a mock trial set before a jury of Travis’ peers, comprised of, among others, Ted Danson, Jewel, Donald Trump, Randy Quaid, Kim Kardashian, Michael Steele, Jon Gosselin, Lance Armstrong, Jenny McCarthy and a celebrity baboon to be named later.
-A GHOST OF A CHANCE
Another game show, wherein competing vampire cake making ghost hunters race to convince randomly chosen unsuspecting average citizens...
...that their pants...
...are haunted!
On TrueTV. Hosted by Ben Roethlisberger
-THE AMAZING RACISTS
Loosely modeled after a hit CBS series with a similar sounding name, this high speed adventure series will follow 12 ethnically cleansed teams as they blaze a path of intolerance through every third world nation on the map in their quest to win challenges, collect points, purify blood lines, avoid extinction, and prove beyond any possible doubt that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs.
With Mel Gibson.
-WHICH IS THE WITCH?
Based on the 1950‘s McCarthy era classic game show, I’ve Got A Secret, and hosted by former senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell, this savvy Game Show Network entry will feature Witches, Warlocks, Wickens, Pagans, Druids, Furries, Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, as they sidestep persecution in this laugh packed prosecution of alternative thinking.
...The funniest interrogations since the Spanish Inquisition!
-MAD MEN...OPAUSE!
Riffing on the critically acclaimed A&E period drama, Mad Men, this contemporary dark edged sitcom puts an updated spin on the 80’s NBC mega hit, The Golden Girls, ...with a vengeance! A quartet of vodka drinking, dope smoking, Sudoku playing, embittered middle aged feminist career-gal vegan veterinarians, who are vampires, take turns trading barbs, spaying cats, baking cakes, inappropriately touching UPS guys, snorting Xanax and swinging their liver spotting fists as they slug their way up through the glass ceilings of middle life America...and right into it’s hearts. An all-star cast features Cynthia Nixon, Raven Simone, Molly Ringwald, and the late Rue Mclanahan, who even in death, is right for the part.
Make some popcorn and get the cat. Your evening is all planned!
So there you are, Mr. Desperate Network Programmer. Twelve original series concepts, free for the taking. So take them.
Meanwhile, I’ll get to work on next year’s crop. So far I’m thinking something with gay logger dancing bounty hunting pawn brokers competing with celebrity disaster victim chefs who live in cold climates and drive trucks, are half siblings with Oprah Winfrey, and are vampires.
If I could just come up with a twist.
Stay tuned.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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