(......Good grief. I’ve got to stop reading that “Fifty Shades” series. That last sentence is so wrong it even offends ME!)
These days, however, wary metro Boston house hermits have an even more compelling reason to stay inside and drink themselves to sleep every night. Giant wild animals. An unprecedented invasion of blood thirsty, man-eating, straight out of the forest, un-licensed, un-employed, and completely un-house broken....... KILLER WILD BEASTIE CREATURES!
According to recent reports from virtually every local news source, the metropolitan Boston area is currently being overrun by rampaging beasts, including moose, bears, coyotes, poisonous snakes, baby-squeezing pythons, tarantulas, and great white sharks. In recent weeks, sightings of these creatures have been documented from the tip of Cape Cod to the back yards of Plymouth, Needham, Weston, Wellesley, Westwood and Brookline, and as a result, area residents are living in a state of absolute abject terror. (I'm not sure what abject is, but they're living in it.)
...And they should be! This rise in erratic animal kingdom activity (as predicted in The Bible, Koran, Dead Sea Scrolls, Mayan Calendar, Ripley’s-Believe-It-Or-Not, Reader’s Digest, Boy’s Life, and most importantly, PennySaver Magazine), is an indisputable clarion call that.... THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!!!!!!!!
...THE END IS NIGH!!!!!
...THE GATES TO HELL HAVE BEEN OPENED!!!!!!!!!!
(Insert Sam Kinison scream here...."AHHH! AHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE’S A TURKEY !!! .....IN YOUR YARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)
Doing their usual boffo job of ratcheting up the tension in the midst of this mayhem, have been the local municipalities and the fearless leaders who run them, who have decided the best way--(Translation: cheapest way)-- to keep the local populace safe is to warn them via reverse 911 phone calls that that thing that is scratching the outside of their front doors is not just a Jehovah’s Witness, but a mentally unstable bear who probably hasn’t had a good meal since April, and who likes the way you smell.
And further fanning the flames of all this hysteria has been of course, our old friend and time waster, the Internet, where if you choose to do so you can get instantaneous Twitter updates about the movements of these multi-legged and gill breathing demons as they amble, ...fangs bared...fins flapping, through the byways, backyards, and beachfronts of metro Boston, looking for discarded crusts of Papa John’s pizza or the occasional slow moving kayaker. Local news outlets are playing their usual part as well, deploying all means of electronic news gathering in the hopes of capturing live, that precious moment when some random bear wanders onto a playground and devours a cub scout.
(Admit it. You’d watch.)
Thankfully, Kielbasablog has been doing it’s job too, deploying teams of investigative reporters out into the killing fields, searching for the REAL truth, digging for the facts, hanging around playgrounds, and going the extra mile to bring you, John Q. Citizen, the real story behind the not-real story. And not just the usual degenerates, either. Some of these guys have been to college.
Which is a very good thing, it turns out, because in the course of their investigation, our team has determined that this story has NOT been over-hyped. In fact... things are actually much, much worse. Listed below, are just some of the startling, previously unreported OTHER animal related sightings and events that Kielbasablog has uncovered, ...and thinks you should know about too.
And how many of these have so far been reported by public safety and other press organizations?
None.
See?
Meanwhile...
--A pride of lions has been found living on the grounds of the former WonderLand Dog Track on Route 1A in Revere, Massachusetts. It is unclear how long the lions have been there, how they got there, how they are feeding themselves, and whether or not they have any gangland connections. Area residents have all claimed to have been unaware of the lions, although one noted “We did notice a lot fewer homeless around this year. We were hoping it was a by-product of the Stimulus.”
--In early March, an enormous California Condor, with a wingspan of more than 15ft, was discovered nesting comfortably atop a pile of bones at the summit of the volcano display at a Rainforest Cafe in the Burlington Mall. Authorities became aware of the huge bird in the course of investigating the disappearance of a 58-year-old Lynn woman as reported by her husband. The husband last saw his wife sitting at their table eating soup immediately before he stepped away to use the men’s room. When he returned, he claims, “She was just gone.” Investigators say no direct connection has been determined between the bird and the missing woman, but admit the investigation has been hampered because the husband waited four months before reporting the disappearance. Investigators are now taking second looks at other unsolved missing persons cases in the area.
--In June, A Tyrannosaurus-Rex was discovered to have been living for at least six months in an empty retail store in downtown Taunton, where it had been existing on shipments of frozen steaks that it had been ordering on-line using a stolen credit card and a smartphone; “A remarkable feat...” noted one investigator, “...considering the length of it’s arms.” Pressed as to how the creature could have gone unnoticed for so long living in the center of Taunton’s business district, the official replied, “It’s Taunton Center. I don’t think anybody’s been there in a couple of years. Things slip through the cracks. If we had a casino, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.”
--And in what is undoubtably the most remarkable revelation yet, Kielbasablog has obtained this startling surveillance drone video taken along the banks of the Neponset River ...of a mysterious, freakish, unidentified creature so enormous, so disturbing, so terrifying, ...that these images have been suppressed from public viewing so as not to cause a panic.
WARNING! THE IMAGES CONTAINED HEREIN ARE EXTREMELY DISTURBING AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR SMALL CHILDREN, PEOPLE WITH HEART CONDITIONS, SMALL CHILDREN WITH HEART CONDITIONS, PEOPLE WITH SMALL CHILDREN WITH HEART CONDITIONS, QUAKERS, SHAKERS, FUNKY MONEY MAKERS, USERS EXPERIENCING ERECTIONS LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS, REALTORS, AND THE FEEBLE MINDED.
It should be noted that the authenticity of the above footage is still being challenged by certain members of the scientific community, most of whom are drunks. Some of the more cynical have even alleged it to be a hoax. Unfortunately, because of our agreement to maintain the anonymity of the filmmakers who captured these images, Kielbasablog cannot at this time provide any original source materials to outside investigators for forensic verification.
Instead, the editors of Kielbasablog would like to emphasize their full and utter faith in the veracity of these images, as well as the credibility and character of the individuals who captured them. We found them on Craig's List.
Clearly, then, the public is in great peril. Homeowners are urged to remain indoors, to not answer the doorbell unless it's the oilman, and to not venture outside unless it is absolutely necessary. If leaving the house does become necessary, survival experts advise everyone to follow these three simple rules of safety:
- Never leave the house carrying a roast beef sandwich.
- Use the buddy system. Never leave the house alone. Always take a buddy.
- Make certain your buddy is even more overweight than you, an exceptionally slow runner, is carrying a roast beef sandwich, and, preferably, is a cub scout.
It's a jungle out there, people.
Be prepared.
© 2012 J. Mark Rast