"In the petting zoo world there is a real pecking order
...literally.
Particularly amongst the fowl"
Bullying in schools has long been a problem in the U.S.
In recent years however, bullying has reached levels that can only be described as epidemic. As a result, more and more school systems have begun implementing anti-bullying awareness programs to stem the rising tide of bullying behavior. Predictably, more and more research on the topic has resulted as well, uncovering some surprising results. Playgrounds, it seems, are not the only places where the bullying epidemic is out of control.
Milo Fistmeister is a social scientist who has devoted his life to studying the bullying issue since he was pantsed in the middle of a crowded Waffle House in Klingle, Wisconsin while on a date with his cousin one late night in the winter of 1989. It was an experience he says, that forever changed him. For him, the cost of bullying isn’t just academic, ...it is personal.
We caught up with Dr. Fistmeister in Boston during a recent book signing to promote the recent publication of his first novel, “Somebody Your Own Size”.
K--Before we begin I just want to apologize for not having been able to completely finish your wonderful book in time for this interview. I hope you can forgive me.
MF--You haven’t read it? Are you fucking kidding me?
K--Well not the whole thing. I skimmed through it a little on the bus this morning, but it was hard because, you know, rush hour, the type was kind of small and I was holding my latte and had to stand and what with the stopping and going it became quite an ordeal not succumbing to motion sickness and...
MF--Oh this is great. Fucking awesome. I’m so sorry my life’s work almost made you barf. I would have thought you might have read it beforehand, but obviously that was too much to ask.
K--I am sorry. Part of it is fatigue. I was up all night taking care of my mother. She’s dying of cancer. It’s just when I try to read in a moving vehicle...
MF--You poor dear.
K--I apologize.
MF--...........Pussy.
K--I feel like we’re getting off track a little.
MF--(snorts derisively)....uh, yuh!
K--So... the classic cliche of a bully would be the oversized kid in the schoolyard, intimidating the undersized kid wearing glasses, usually in front of his classmates, twisting his arm up behind his back, pressing his face into the chain link fence while he helps himself to the kids lunch.
MF--Yeah. The cliche classic. We call that “The Butch”.
K--How common is that?
MF--Very. Obviously. That’s why it’s a cliche. I’m guessing it’s something you know all too well, having been on the losing end of it so often. If you hear the word recess, do you start to sweat?
K--But your research has turned up areas where bullying was never known about or even suspected?
MF--Yes.
K--Can you give us some examples?
MF--You sure you’re okay? I don’t want you to spew.
K--I’m fine.
MF--So the world is always looking for bullies in all the expected places, like the aforementioned schoolyard, but we’ve found them in places where nobody was looking. It’s not just kids on playgrounds, and it’s not just the workplace.
K--For instance?
MF--Petting zoos.
K--I’m sorry................petting zoos? Kid’s bullying each other at petting zoos?
MF--Not kids. The animals.
K--Really?
MF--No shit.
K--That’s shocking.
MF--I know, right? But it’s true. In the petting zoo world there is a real pecking order...literally. Particularly amongst the fowl. And with the goats and lambs, sure they look all fuzzy and soft, but a lot of them are basically sadists. It’s often the bigger animals, but not always. The little ones are sometimes the worst.
K--You mean they’re physically bullies? Like they push the other animals out of the way when people want to pet?
MF--Not likely. In fact they hate getting petted. They think it’s creepy. It’s a lot more subtle than that. It’s all about farm-cred. There’s a lot of cruel demeaning bleating about the size of hooves, or the nap of the wool, or genetic origins. It matters if you were bred or born by accident or worse of all, cloned. Did you know Dolly the Sheep killed herself? There’s little worse apparently, than being a rescue goat.....except being a cloned rescue goat.
K--Not even, a “Scape-goat”?
MF--(blank stare)
K--....sorry.
MF--Our research looked into the histories of underachieving goats. We found a lot of esteem issues.
K--I had no idea.
MF--Of course not. You don’t speak goat, you stupid shit.
K--What other surprises have you found?
MF--Convents.
K--You mean “conventions”, right, ....... or ”convenes”......? Surely you don’t mean....
MF--Convents. Nuns. Dried out old hags walking around in robes.
K--Dear God!
MF--Nuns are some of the cruelest most vicious animals in the human jungle. That’s no surprise. Look what they did to Pat Buchanan. But what no one has ever bothered to look for, ...is what they do to each other.
K--Physical bullying?
MF--Certainly, yes. Tripping, purple nerples, half-nelsons, ...noogies. But far more insidious is the deeply layered institutionalized culture of mental cruelty. Of course the ones who suffer the most are the usual ones....Novitates fresh off the bus, the small, the obese...anybody with B.O. or who looks or sounds a little different.
K--That’s hard to do when you’re all wearing head-to-toe habits.
MF--Exactly! So they put you under their bi-focal microscope and look for anything, anything at all to use as a weapon; What you’ve got on your playlist (it better be Creed), if you’re wearing the “right” designer habit, the length of your rosary beads, etc. That sort of thing. Lord help you if you’ve got an overbite, or a mole on your nose. Worst of all is what goes on in the showers. Brutal.
K--Who would have ever thought? Fascinating!
MF--...You like thinking about wet nuns, do ya?
K--But it sounds like there are even worse examples of bullies?
MF--Well, it’s hard to quantify of course, but to me, the most startling discovery, the most disturbing...at least that I can discuss here..........pre-natal bullying.
K--PRE-NATAL BULLYING???
MF--It’s true.
K--It seems so far fetched.
MF--Like your chances of ever satisfying a partner. But unlike your situation, this is only partly speculative. Much has been proven and verified scientifically.
K--Please share.
MF--Ten years ago, in a study launched under a grant funded by the American Lubrication Research Council, The National Association of Grocers, The Department of Homeland Security, and Wayne Gretzky----(don’t ask)----a team of twenty-five researchers, plus one rich guy who gave us a lot of money just to hang around our lab, began collecting data. A test group was assembled comprised of 200 women in late term pregnancies, all of whom were carrying twins.
K--What was the first thing you discovered?
MF--That a lot of women in the eighth month of their pregnancy...when they learn that they’re having twins...they tend to freak out.
K--They didn’t know?
MF--Hell, half of them didn’t even know they were pregnant. Obesity is a real problem in America.
K--........Okay......So returning to the pre-natal bullying; What did you find?
MF--That it’s remarkably--even shockingly, prevalent. And the behavior patterns are eerily familiar. It always seems to come down to the bigger fetus picking on the smaller; the strong vs the weak...doing things like inutero half-nelsons, amnio-noogies, and a lot of kicking. Parents naively think those kicks are just fetal growing pains, when actually it’s one fetus shaking down the other one for it’s nutrients. Dominance depends on who has the lighter amnio fluid, whose heartbeat shows up first on the ultrasound, and who has the longer umbilical cord. Size evidently matters.
K--Wow. How did you make these findings?
MF--Empirically. You know...trial and error. Sometimes we’d turn on the ultrasound and just start screwing around. One day we took turns slapping the mothers stomachs with a spatula. Another time we fed the moms a bunch of sneezing powder and then placed trays of ice cubes on their abdomens, Once, in the middle of the night, we woke a bunch of them up and then taped speakers to their bellies and then played a bunch of old Andrew Dice Clay recordings really, really loud. Then this other time we found a garbage bag full of old needles and we.......
K--Professor Fistmeister, I believe you’re making fun of me.
MF--...doi! ...doi! ...doi!
K--And I think you’re behaving very unprofessionally.
MF--I know you are. Now what about me?
K--And I don’t think you’re being nice.
MF--Wait. There’s something on your tie.
K--Please.
MF--Hold on. Is that something on your breast pocket?
K--And I think you should stop.
MF--Oh yeah? And who’s gonna make me?
K--(...sigh) Any final words?
MF--Buy my book, jerkface, or it’s wedgie time.
© 2013 J. Mark Rast
In recent years however, bullying has reached levels that can only be described as epidemic. As a result, more and more school systems have begun implementing anti-bullying awareness programs to stem the rising tide of bullying behavior. Predictably, more and more research on the topic has resulted as well, uncovering some surprising results. Playgrounds, it seems, are not the only places where the bullying epidemic is out of control.
Milo Fistmeister is a social scientist who has devoted his life to studying the bullying issue since he was pantsed in the middle of a crowded Waffle House in Klingle, Wisconsin while on a date with his cousin one late night in the winter of 1989. It was an experience he says, that forever changed him. For him, the cost of bullying isn’t just academic, ...it is personal.
We caught up with Dr. Fistmeister in Boston during a recent book signing to promote the recent publication of his first novel, “Somebody Your Own Size”.
K--Before we begin I just want to apologize for not having been able to completely finish your wonderful book in time for this interview. I hope you can forgive me.
MF--You haven’t read it? Are you fucking kidding me?
K--Well not the whole thing. I skimmed through it a little on the bus this morning, but it was hard because, you know, rush hour, the type was kind of small and I was holding my latte and had to stand and what with the stopping and going it became quite an ordeal not succumbing to motion sickness and...
MF--Oh this is great. Fucking awesome. I’m so sorry my life’s work almost made you barf. I would have thought you might have read it beforehand, but obviously that was too much to ask.
K--I am sorry. Part of it is fatigue. I was up all night taking care of my mother. She’s dying of cancer. It’s just when I try to read in a moving vehicle...
MF--You poor dear.
K--I apologize.
MF--...........Pussy.
K--I feel like we’re getting off track a little.
MF--(snorts derisively)....uh, yuh!
K--So... the classic cliche of a bully would be the oversized kid in the schoolyard, intimidating the undersized kid wearing glasses, usually in front of his classmates, twisting his arm up behind his back, pressing his face into the chain link fence while he helps himself to the kids lunch.
MF--Yeah. The cliche classic. We call that “The Butch”.
K--How common is that?
MF--Very. Obviously. That’s why it’s a cliche. I’m guessing it’s something you know all too well, having been on the losing end of it so often. If you hear the word recess, do you start to sweat?
K--But your research has turned up areas where bullying was never known about or even suspected?
MF--Yes.
K--Can you give us some examples?
MF--You sure you’re okay? I don’t want you to spew.
K--I’m fine.
MF--So the world is always looking for bullies in all the expected places, like the aforementioned schoolyard, but we’ve found them in places where nobody was looking. It’s not just kids on playgrounds, and it’s not just the workplace.
K--For instance?
MF--Petting zoos.
K--I’m sorry................petting zoos? Kid’s bullying each other at petting zoos?
MF--Not kids. The animals.
K--Really?
MF--No shit.
K--That’s shocking.
MF--I know, right? But it’s true. In the petting zoo world there is a real pecking order...literally. Particularly amongst the fowl. And with the goats and lambs, sure they look all fuzzy and soft, but a lot of them are basically sadists. It’s often the bigger animals, but not always. The little ones are sometimes the worst.
K--You mean they’re physically bullies? Like they push the other animals out of the way when people want to pet?
MF--Not likely. In fact they hate getting petted. They think it’s creepy. It’s a lot more subtle than that. It’s all about farm-cred. There’s a lot of cruel demeaning bleating about the size of hooves, or the nap of the wool, or genetic origins. It matters if you were bred or born by accident or worse of all, cloned. Did you know Dolly the Sheep killed herself? There’s little worse apparently, than being a rescue goat.....except being a cloned rescue goat.
K--Not even, a “Scape-goat”?
MF--(blank stare)
K--....sorry.
MF--Our research looked into the histories of underachieving goats. We found a lot of esteem issues.
K--I had no idea.
MF--Of course not. You don’t speak goat, you stupid shit.
K--What other surprises have you found?
MF--Convents.
K--You mean “conventions”, right, ....... or ”convenes”......? Surely you don’t mean....
MF--Convents. Nuns. Dried out old hags walking around in robes.
K--Dear God!
MF--Nuns are some of the cruelest most vicious animals in the human jungle. That’s no surprise. Look what they did to Pat Buchanan. But what no one has ever bothered to look for, ...is what they do to each other.
K--Physical bullying?
MF--Certainly, yes. Tripping, purple nerples, half-nelsons, ...noogies. But far more insidious is the deeply layered institutionalized culture of mental cruelty. Of course the ones who suffer the most are the usual ones....Novitates fresh off the bus, the small, the obese...anybody with B.O. or who looks or sounds a little different.
K--That’s hard to do when you’re all wearing head-to-toe habits.
MF--Exactly! So they put you under their bi-focal microscope and look for anything, anything at all to use as a weapon; What you’ve got on your playlist (it better be Creed), if you’re wearing the “right” designer habit, the length of your rosary beads, etc. That sort of thing. Lord help you if you’ve got an overbite, or a mole on your nose. Worst of all is what goes on in the showers. Brutal.
K--Who would have ever thought? Fascinating!
MF--...You like thinking about wet nuns, do ya?
K--But it sounds like there are even worse examples of bullies?
MF--Well, it’s hard to quantify of course, but to me, the most startling discovery, the most disturbing...at least that I can discuss here..........pre-natal bullying.
K--PRE-NATAL BULLYING???
MF--It’s true.
K--It seems so far fetched.
MF--Like your chances of ever satisfying a partner. But unlike your situation, this is only partly speculative. Much has been proven and verified scientifically.
K--Please share.
MF--Ten years ago, in a study launched under a grant funded by the American Lubrication Research Council, The National Association of Grocers, The Department of Homeland Security, and Wayne Gretzky----(don’t ask)----a team of twenty-five researchers, plus one rich guy who gave us a lot of money just to hang around our lab, began collecting data. A test group was assembled comprised of 200 women in late term pregnancies, all of whom were carrying twins.
K--What was the first thing you discovered?
MF--That a lot of women in the eighth month of their pregnancy...when they learn that they’re having twins...they tend to freak out.
K--They didn’t know?
MF--Hell, half of them didn’t even know they were pregnant. Obesity is a real problem in America.
K--........Okay......So returning to the pre-natal bullying; What did you find?
MF--That it’s remarkably--even shockingly, prevalent. And the behavior patterns are eerily familiar. It always seems to come down to the bigger fetus picking on the smaller; the strong vs the weak...doing things like inutero half-nelsons, amnio-noogies, and a lot of kicking. Parents naively think those kicks are just fetal growing pains, when actually it’s one fetus shaking down the other one for it’s nutrients. Dominance depends on who has the lighter amnio fluid, whose heartbeat shows up first on the ultrasound, and who has the longer umbilical cord. Size evidently matters.
K--Wow. How did you make these findings?
MF--Empirically. You know...trial and error. Sometimes we’d turn on the ultrasound and just start screwing around. One day we took turns slapping the mothers stomachs with a spatula. Another time we fed the moms a bunch of sneezing powder and then placed trays of ice cubes on their abdomens, Once, in the middle of the night, we woke a bunch of them up and then taped speakers to their bellies and then played a bunch of old Andrew Dice Clay recordings really, really loud. Then this other time we found a garbage bag full of old needles and we.......
K--Professor Fistmeister, I believe you’re making fun of me.
MF--...doi! ...doi! ...doi!
K--And I think you’re behaving very unprofessionally.
MF--I know you are. Now what about me?
K--And I don’t think you’re being nice.
MF--Wait. There’s something on your tie.
K--Please.
MF--Hold on. Is that something on your breast pocket?
K--And I think you should stop.
MF--Oh yeah? And who’s gonna make me?
K--(...sigh) Any final words?
MF--Buy my book, jerkface, or it’s wedgie time.
© 2013 J. Mark Rast
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