FAQs
We understand.
Sometimes the world is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes this WEBSITE is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes you just draw a blank, and find yourself standing in the buffet line at Country Kitchen.
You need help.
You've got questions.
You need answers.
Here they are.
_____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________________
Sometimes the world is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes this WEBSITE is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes you just draw a blank, and find yourself standing in the buffet line at Country Kitchen.
You need help.
You've got questions.
You need answers.
Here they are.
_____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________________
DEAR KIELBASABLOG:
Q: Baseball season is fast approaching. Opening day is almost here. Does this mean I'm going to have to see endless replays of that asshole bearded cop in the bullpen?
A: Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Thanks to web technology, he (and John Henry) know who you are, what you look like, where you parked, and your sister's name. So enjoy your next visit to Friendly Fenway.
Q: If a cat is smart enough to crap in a litter box, why can't they learn to barf there too?
A: Most cats only throw up when they've been drinking. Alcohol impairs judgement.
Q: Does Serena Williams scare you as much as she scares me?
A: I have nightmares.
Q: Do you know where my keys are? I can't find my keys.
A: Where was the last place you had them? You didn't leave them in the door again, did you? Have you checked all your pockets?
Q: I can't seem to find anyplace on this site where I can purchase KIELBASABLOG souvenirs. In particular I'm interested in oven mitts, toaster cozys, kitchen magnets and plastic inflatable Asian women. Some help please???
A: Okay, clearly you do need help. ...Except the part about the inflatable Asian doll thing. We totally get that. Meanwhile the best way we can help you is to remind you that you are the only one who really knows who you are. Literally. So far, nobody here can figure out your password or how to get in touch with you, which is fortunate for you because if we could, it's pretty certain you'd be in jail by now. So stop stressing about fetishes, start enjoying differences, and start owning the qualities that make you...you. ;)
Q: I thought "FAQ" meant "frequently asked questions"...as in questions that many different people commonly have and frequently ask. But most of the questions you print here are totally useless queries dealing with whatever topic you seem to feel is appropriate at the moment, ...and half of them don't even make any sense! AND, predictably, almost none are ever signed. What gives?
A: What gives?!? Your Momma gives, is what gives. And for your information, Judge Judy, there is no law that says "FAQ" has to mean anything!!! It could mean "frequently asked questions". It could mean "fancy ass queries". It could mean "furry animal quesadilla". What it doesn't mean is that you have the right to look down your nose at us just because we don't seem to speak good and meet your snooty literary standards. So why don't you go back to reading your books or adjusting your fedora or polishing your Audi or listening to NPR or writing your manifesto or whatever else it is that you do in Perfectville and let us go about our business in peace.
Q: I've noticed that sometimes the editorial tone of Kielbasablog FAQ responses seem to take on a decidedly contemptuous "edge".
A: (sigh)................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................and???
Q: Often after visiting your site I find my mailbox is full of video emails from heavily accented East-European women (seemingly all Romanian) who want to meet me at the local T.G.I. Fridays so I can join them for some cheesy-fries and a session of "teaching them how to drive". I like to think I have an open mind, but it's all getting a little unsettling. I'm happily married, and more importantly, my wife owns a gun. Is there a setting I can use to block these annoying pests, or at the very least, skew my appeal in the direction of somebody less Slavic? What do you suggest?
A: Well for one thing, you could stop searching our website using the keywords "Slavic triple penetration". Meanwhile, to throw off those net-fishing web robots, try populating your browser's search history with multiple frequent visits to websites that are notoriously unappealing to anyone remotely ethnic. For starters, try foxnews.com. Or if your situation is extreme and you want to go "scorched earth" and basically destroy your credibility on a world-wide basis, start clicking repeatedly on this: http://www.house.gov/
Q: Now that alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has made it to the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, can we expect to see even more inflammatory magazine cover controversies?
A: Absolutely. However, because, in the world of content marketing, the over exposure of youth oriented pop-terrorism has already become passe, the next crop of controversial magazine covers will likely not involve domestic terrorists unless there's either a Jihadist low-carb diet or a Kardashian involved. Expect instead to see magazine covers that appeal to the fast populating under-retired, over-60, senior citizen target market. For instance, according to industry insider sources, AARP Magazine is planning an upcoming cover story featuring Whitey Bulger with a revealing look at the special challenges of life on the lam, for murderers over 70.
Q: The name of this website--KIELBASABLOG-- is somewhat unusual, and I would guess is sometimes misinterpreted. Do you ever get visitors who are here looking for all the wrong reasons?
A: ...Trust us. You have noooooooo idea.
Q: I saw what you said to that last guy, but can't you help me? I'm so sad. Everywhere I look in the media I see beautiful tan fit people leading glamorous fascinating lives, and then I look in a mirror and it's total shit show. That's why I came here. I figured what with this being "Kielbasablog" you'd have pictures of sausage and it would not be threatening and it would help. But you don't. Is there anything you can do to help??? I'm really starting to get a complex.
A: Okay, first of all, looking at pictures of sausage never helped anybody. Ask Jimmy Dean. Secondly, all those people who are making you feel so bad about yourself, are manufactured in Hollywood. So what you need is a little reassurance that those "beautiful" people are the freaks, and that you are the normal one. Here's a wonderful website link to click on that will make you feel much better! Check it out, it's awesome: http://loffee.com/2013/06/25/celebrity-make-unders-what-would-celebrities-look-like-if-they-were-everyday-people-16-pics/
Q: I am a regular reader of KIELBASABLOG, and I have noticed a recent decline in the frequency of postings to both TODAY'S KIELBASABLOG and THE DAILY BAD. Productivity seems to be down. Is there a problem?
A: A problem??? You're goddamn right there's a problem. The problem is that while you're sitting there measuring productivity and adjusting the crotch of your skinny jeans and drinking your fucking latte, we're at our regular jobs, toiling thanklessly, suffering silently, breaking our backs for "the man" under horrific conditions to put bread on the table for our families, most of whom have no idea who we are...because they NEVER SEE US! Then, and only then, after we're done doing our breadwinning, do we ever have time to even think about the energy needed to create the high quality content our devoted fans (all seven of them) have come to expect.
The other problem is that about a year ago last March, we pretty much ran out of ideas, which says a lot, because most of our story ideas were stolen to begin with.
Next!
Q: Baseball season is fast approaching. Opening day is almost here. Does this mean I'm going to have to see endless replays of that asshole bearded cop in the bullpen?
A: Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Thanks to web technology, he (and John Henry) know who you are, what you look like, where you parked, and your sister's name. So enjoy your next visit to Friendly Fenway.
Q: If a cat is smart enough to crap in a litter box, why can't they learn to barf there too?
A: Most cats only throw up when they've been drinking. Alcohol impairs judgement.
Q: Does Serena Williams scare you as much as she scares me?
A: I have nightmares.
Q: Do you know where my keys are? I can't find my keys.
A: Where was the last place you had them? You didn't leave them in the door again, did you? Have you checked all your pockets?
Q: I can't seem to find anyplace on this site where I can purchase KIELBASABLOG souvenirs. In particular I'm interested in oven mitts, toaster cozys, kitchen magnets and plastic inflatable Asian women. Some help please???
A: Okay, clearly you do need help. ...Except the part about the inflatable Asian doll thing. We totally get that. Meanwhile the best way we can help you is to remind you that you are the only one who really knows who you are. Literally. So far, nobody here can figure out your password or how to get in touch with you, which is fortunate for you because if we could, it's pretty certain you'd be in jail by now. So stop stressing about fetishes, start enjoying differences, and start owning the qualities that make you...you. ;)
Q: I thought "FAQ" meant "frequently asked questions"...as in questions that many different people commonly have and frequently ask. But most of the questions you print here are totally useless queries dealing with whatever topic you seem to feel is appropriate at the moment, ...and half of them don't even make any sense! AND, predictably, almost none are ever signed. What gives?
A: What gives?!? Your Momma gives, is what gives. And for your information, Judge Judy, there is no law that says "FAQ" has to mean anything!!! It could mean "frequently asked questions". It could mean "fancy ass queries". It could mean "furry animal quesadilla". What it doesn't mean is that you have the right to look down your nose at us just because we don't seem to speak good and meet your snooty literary standards. So why don't you go back to reading your books or adjusting your fedora or polishing your Audi or listening to NPR or writing your manifesto or whatever else it is that you do in Perfectville and let us go about our business in peace.
Q: I've noticed that sometimes the editorial tone of Kielbasablog FAQ responses seem to take on a decidedly contemptuous "edge".
A: (sigh)................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................and???
Q: Often after visiting your site I find my mailbox is full of video emails from heavily accented East-European women (seemingly all Romanian) who want to meet me at the local T.G.I. Fridays so I can join them for some cheesy-fries and a session of "teaching them how to drive". I like to think I have an open mind, but it's all getting a little unsettling. I'm happily married, and more importantly, my wife owns a gun. Is there a setting I can use to block these annoying pests, or at the very least, skew my appeal in the direction of somebody less Slavic? What do you suggest?
A: Well for one thing, you could stop searching our website using the keywords "Slavic triple penetration". Meanwhile, to throw off those net-fishing web robots, try populating your browser's search history with multiple frequent visits to websites that are notoriously unappealing to anyone remotely ethnic. For starters, try foxnews.com. Or if your situation is extreme and you want to go "scorched earth" and basically destroy your credibility on a world-wide basis, start clicking repeatedly on this: http://www.house.gov/
Q: Now that alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has made it to the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, can we expect to see even more inflammatory magazine cover controversies?
A: Absolutely. However, because, in the world of content marketing, the over exposure of youth oriented pop-terrorism has already become passe, the next crop of controversial magazine covers will likely not involve domestic terrorists unless there's either a Jihadist low-carb diet or a Kardashian involved. Expect instead to see magazine covers that appeal to the fast populating under-retired, over-60, senior citizen target market. For instance, according to industry insider sources, AARP Magazine is planning an upcoming cover story featuring Whitey Bulger with a revealing look at the special challenges of life on the lam, for murderers over 70.
Q: The name of this website--KIELBASABLOG-- is somewhat unusual, and I would guess is sometimes misinterpreted. Do you ever get visitors who are here looking for all the wrong reasons?
A: ...Trust us. You have noooooooo idea.
Q: I saw what you said to that last guy, but can't you help me? I'm so sad. Everywhere I look in the media I see beautiful tan fit people leading glamorous fascinating lives, and then I look in a mirror and it's total shit show. That's why I came here. I figured what with this being "Kielbasablog" you'd have pictures of sausage and it would not be threatening and it would help. But you don't. Is there anything you can do to help??? I'm really starting to get a complex.
A: Okay, first of all, looking at pictures of sausage never helped anybody. Ask Jimmy Dean. Secondly, all those people who are making you feel so bad about yourself, are manufactured in Hollywood. So what you need is a little reassurance that those "beautiful" people are the freaks, and that you are the normal one. Here's a wonderful website link to click on that will make you feel much better! Check it out, it's awesome: http://loffee.com/2013/06/25/celebrity-make-unders-what-would-celebrities-look-like-if-they-were-everyday-people-16-pics/
Q: I am a regular reader of KIELBASABLOG, and I have noticed a recent decline in the frequency of postings to both TODAY'S KIELBASABLOG and THE DAILY BAD. Productivity seems to be down. Is there a problem?
A: A problem??? You're goddamn right there's a problem. The problem is that while you're sitting there measuring productivity and adjusting the crotch of your skinny jeans and drinking your fucking latte, we're at our regular jobs, toiling thanklessly, suffering silently, breaking our backs for "the man" under horrific conditions to put bread on the table for our families, most of whom have no idea who we are...because they NEVER SEE US! Then, and only then, after we're done doing our breadwinning, do we ever have time to even think about the energy needed to create the high quality content our devoted fans (all seven of them) have come to expect.
The other problem is that about a year ago last March, we pretty much ran out of ideas, which says a lot, because most of our story ideas were stolen to begin with.
Next!