"You're embarrassing us!"
There are lots of big doings regarding healthcare going on up in the halls of justice these days, thanks to Big Pharma, the President, Congress, 2 or 3 hundred thousand Republican lobbyists, and of course, everyone’s favorite improv troupe, the Supreme Court Of The United States of America.
Yes friends, by the time you read this post, chances are your life expectancy will in some way have been directly affected by a judicial decision rendered by a group of people who regularly don’t have sex, who seemingly don’t like each other, who smell slightly musty, and who spend virtually all of their most important workdays dressed like they are tenured members of the faculty of Hogwarts. ...With the exception of not-Chief Justice Clarence Thomas, who spends his most important work days (at least in his mind) totally nude.
This is a problem. Not because imagining that last visual is at it’s base level, horrifying. Or because the constitutionality of The Affordable Care Act may or may not pass the smell test of modern jurisprudence.
No, it’s a problem because the people empowered to make this historic constitutional decision...people who are supposed to be ROLE MODELS...look (...on their best days!) like they employ as their personal shopper, Igor the Hunchback.
This matters, because by establishing and practicing criminally low standards of fashion trendiness at the uppermost levels of a democratic government, a terrible and dangerous message is being sent, and it’s being sent to those people who matter most; That most powerful and influential demographic group ever known: The Hormonally Insane.
...Otherwise known as fashion conscious thirteen-year-old girls, who text.
And what exactly is the horrible message that is being sent?
The message is this: “The adults have lost their minds. They are embarrassing us. Eyeewww. They must be destroyed.”
This message is not being sent intentionally, but it is being sent never-the-less. And it is being sent loudly, and clearly.
And this is not insignificant, because to those hormonally insane, smartphone slinging, anarchy prone thirteen-year-old cultural warriors, a response to perceived threats of embarrassment with violent acts of anarchy, even if they result in a loss of personal liberties, and civil rights, and affordable health care, would be but a small price to pay to avoid the embarrassment of being internationally associated with a justice system dominated by geezers who go to work wearing theatre curtains, support hosiery, and in some cases, adult diapers; an embarrassment so mortifying that it automatically justifies nothing less than the violent overthrow of the government of the United States of America by whatever means necessary, including The Silent Treatment.
And if you are a father who has ever, even unwittingly, humiliated a thirteen-year-old dependent at the mall in the company of her friends, ...by making an appearance wearing black socks and sandals, ...you’ll believe me when I tell you...
...this is no idle threat.
So something must be done, and fast. Credibility for the court must be restored. Faith must be renewed. A bridge to the citizenry must be built. A modernization makeover is in order...in the court!
Here then, in the interest of preserving the Republic, are Kielbasablog’s twelve cultural makeover suggestions for modernizing the image of the 2012 United States Supreme Court.
These are:
And finally, on a personal note we here at Kielbasablog have one last very important request: Unless your goal is to incite an American mass suicide (starting right here in our offices), please SCOTUS, PLEASE...we’re begging you....PLEASE stop releasing those annual Supreme Court group photos.
THAT is cruel and unusual punishment.
Yes friends, by the time you read this post, chances are your life expectancy will in some way have been directly affected by a judicial decision rendered by a group of people who regularly don’t have sex, who seemingly don’t like each other, who smell slightly musty, and who spend virtually all of their most important workdays dressed like they are tenured members of the faculty of Hogwarts. ...With the exception of not-Chief Justice Clarence Thomas, who spends his most important work days (at least in his mind) totally nude.
This is a problem. Not because imagining that last visual is at it’s base level, horrifying. Or because the constitutionality of The Affordable Care Act may or may not pass the smell test of modern jurisprudence.
No, it’s a problem because the people empowered to make this historic constitutional decision...people who are supposed to be ROLE MODELS...look (...on their best days!) like they employ as their personal shopper, Igor the Hunchback.
This matters, because by establishing and practicing criminally low standards of fashion trendiness at the uppermost levels of a democratic government, a terrible and dangerous message is being sent, and it’s being sent to those people who matter most; That most powerful and influential demographic group ever known: The Hormonally Insane.
...Otherwise known as fashion conscious thirteen-year-old girls, who text.
And what exactly is the horrible message that is being sent?
The message is this: “The adults have lost their minds. They are embarrassing us. Eyeewww. They must be destroyed.”
This message is not being sent intentionally, but it is being sent never-the-less. And it is being sent loudly, and clearly.
And this is not insignificant, because to those hormonally insane, smartphone slinging, anarchy prone thirteen-year-old cultural warriors, a response to perceived threats of embarrassment with violent acts of anarchy, even if they result in a loss of personal liberties, and civil rights, and affordable health care, would be but a small price to pay to avoid the embarrassment of being internationally associated with a justice system dominated by geezers who go to work wearing theatre curtains, support hosiery, and in some cases, adult diapers; an embarrassment so mortifying that it automatically justifies nothing less than the violent overthrow of the government of the United States of America by whatever means necessary, including The Silent Treatment.
And if you are a father who has ever, even unwittingly, humiliated a thirteen-year-old dependent at the mall in the company of her friends, ...by making an appearance wearing black socks and sandals, ...you’ll believe me when I tell you...
...this is no idle threat.
So something must be done, and fast. Credibility for the court must be restored. Faith must be renewed. A bridge to the citizenry must be built. A modernization makeover is in order...in the court!
Here then, in the interest of preserving the Republic, are Kielbasablog’s twelve cultural makeover suggestions for modernizing the image of the 2012 United States Supreme Court.
These are:
- Funner robes. If you have to wear them, let them be a little more festive. Two tone, monogrammed, short-sleeved, patterned, leather, zippered, a plunging neckline, ...maybe a little Bedazzling, feathers, barebacked, off-the shoulder cutouts etc... Even if it’s just a matter of getting accessorized, it would be an improvement. Personally I’d love to see Anthony Scalia spice things up by occasionally handing down decisions wearing a snap brim fedora and a hemp necklace.
- Next: Better footwear. Skechers, Timberlands, Toms. For the ladies in particular, knee-high leather boots would be nice. And although probably a little too late to actually convince anyone of “hipness”, the goal here is to at least introduce members of the supreme judiciary to the 21st sartorial century. And admit it, nothing would scream “We care, and we’re here to protect your rights!” louder than having Ruth Bader Ginsburg reading a capital punishment opinion wearing cute leggings and a pair of Uggs.
- Work on the hair. Especially the men. Use a little product, and if you think you can pull it off, grow a man-tail.
- Add a little sizzle. Start including a few celebrities in the judicial process. Add a ceremonial rotating guest spot on the bench, and invite whoever is trending highest amongst “tweens” to sit in and ask a few questions, because who better to vet the constitutional logic of Roe v Wade than Justin Bieber?
- Connect with the citizenry. Bond with the youngsters. Misbehave. Go clubbing. Guzzle tequila. Get Instagramed puking your brains out next to your SUV with Gloria Allred holding your robe.
- Target America’s de facto “leaders of tomorrow” (jocks from Duke) by opening and closing every court session with a trampoline jumping mascot. Nothing over the top. A college kid gymnast or clerk/intern in a simple foam “Judge” suit perhaps. And give him a cute nickname like “Habeus” or “Briefs”
- Be linked romantically. If nothing else, to each other, but preferably to someone higher profile or slutty; A Kardashian, Tim Tebow, Russell Brandt, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Scot Peterson, Darrell Waltrip Jr., Carrot Top, Selena Gomez.
- Go through a very public break-up with any of the above.
- Show some wit. Create an edgy online caption contest. Have a sketch artist post weekly online drawings of high profile proceedings and invite website visitors to enter caption suggestions.
- Generate buzz. Show up at Burning Man. Open a restaurant. Roll-out a personalized fragrance. Promote it on The Today Show. Do Ellen.
- Do a swimsuit photo calendar.
- Tweet. Preferably from the bench while hearing arguments. Be ironic.
And finally, on a personal note we here at Kielbasablog have one last very important request: Unless your goal is to incite an American mass suicide (starting right here in our offices), please SCOTUS, PLEASE...we’re begging you....PLEASE stop releasing those annual Supreme Court group photos.
THAT is cruel and unusual punishment.
....Ughhhhhh!
© 2012 J. Mark Rast
© 2012 J. Mark Rast
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