A highly placed Federal Bureau of Investigation source has confirmed to KIELBASAPROBE, the special investigative unit of kielbasablog.com, that the hitherto inexplicable delay in capturing renegade mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, was a simple matter of mistaken identity.

“Basically we were looking for the wrong “Whitey”.  Because of a 16 year misunderstanding, we accidentally were focused on seeking the whereabouts of one, Stanley Fafara, the former child actor who played the character “Whitey” on the hit 1950’s television series, ‘Leave It To Beaver’."  

"It was an honest mistake.”

The person who should have been the target of the search was in fact the notorious hoodlum, James Joseph Bulger, the now legendary Boston based mobster who led a reign of terror in his native Boston, and has since been implicated in the murders of at least 19 people.  In 1994, Bulger was tipped off by corrupt FBI agent John Connolly that he was about to be arrested.  Bulger fled his South Boston home and remained at large for 16 years until picked up in Santa Monica, CA earlier this week by FBI agents, allegedly acting on a tip from a menopausal viewer of “The View”.

Pressed to explain how such a mistake could have occurred, and go unrealized for 16 years, the embarrassed federal source (who spoke on a condition of anonymity) described the remarkable investigative blunder and how it unfolded.

“Well, the first problem was that the initial guy assigned to this case happened to be a baby-boomer who had a lot of warm hearted childhood memories of eating Swanson TV Dinners and watching the “Leave It To Beaver” television series, which by the way if you’re not familiar with it, really was a wonderful show.  He just sort of fixated on the name “Whitey” and things sort of snowballed from there.  And all the confusing coincidental similarities did not help matters either!  ...The remarkable physical resemblance of  grown-up Fafara to Bulger. ...The endless portrayal of the strained Cleaver brother relationship where one brother is constantly trying to cover for the other’s transgressions.  ...The diabolical Eddie Haskell/Stephen Flemmi type characters always lurking in the shadows.  ...It’s easy to see how he got confused.”

Our source went on to respond to allegations that perhaps, because of the agency’s conflicted relationship with Bulger as an informant, some of the FBI’s investigative missteps were less than accidental.

“Absolutely not.  Were mistakes made?  Certainly.  Were we to do it over again, we probably would discourage any agent from launching a full time investigation based entirely on research done leafing through old issues of TV Guide.  We now know this had much to do with our wasting 15 years fielding surveillance teams to monitor the movements of Barbara Billingsley.  But you have to admit, her resemblance to Bulger girlfriend Catherine Greig was striking.”

The source was then asked when the Federal Bureau of Investigation finally realized they were chasing the wrong man.

“About three weeks ago, when one of our interns happened to be watching an A&E Biography profile of Larry Mathers.  The report made a fleeting reference to “the late” Stanley Fafara.  Our intern then did an exhausting internet search of everything having to do with “Beaver”.  Eventually he determined on Wikipedia that our “Whitey” had died 8 years ago, which was part of why we couldn’t find him.  We also learned that “Beaver” is a commonly used euphemism for vagina.”

Finally, KIELBASAPROBE’s highly placed former law enforcement source was asked if Bulger’s arrest meant that all loose ends connected to the investigation have been tied up to his satisfaction.  His reply...

“Hardly.  One of the more disturbing by-products of that investigation has been the questionable activities of cast member Robert “Rusty” Stevens, A.K.A. “Larry Mondello”.  According to evidence uncovered through a lengthy investigation, but mostly because his name ended with a vowel, the agency is still pursuing leads and still has serious concerns that this individual may be a member of the Gambino crime family and directly connected to the 1975 disappearance of Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa.”

Continue to follow Kielbasablog for further updates.







©  2011 J. Mark Rast

To the nationwide delight of pundits, pollsters, hardcore political junkies, news directors, editors, cartoonists, schizophrenics, and most of all, comedians, (not to mention Democrats and certain segments of the Kodiak bear population), news reports are once again being floated, in the erstwhile “mainstream” press, no less, regarding the renewed possibility of a legitimate presidential run by America’s favorite MILF and eyewear model, Sarah Palin.


This can mean only one thing, America:  Intellectually...We’re still retarded!  Yayyyyy!  


Ahhh, these are heady days for we cultural cynics.  It’s been a good year.  We’ve enjoyed a run of exceptionally ludicrous behavior on the part of some of our more lovable and buttoned down leaders.  No mouth has been so cavernous that a foot could not be found to fill it, no ethical void so deep that a soul could not be found to leap into it. 


No doubt, it has gotten a little scary at times.


We’ve had a sitting President forced to pull states rights strings in order to produce a piece of documentation so mundane that for the 299,999,999 other US residents, the benefit of the doubt has historically been good enough.


We’ve let a weepy man who bakes himself into the skin tone of a Nacho Cheese Dorito become the United States Speaker of the House.


We’ve let a spoiled New Yorker with a squirrel’s nest on his head hijack the national agenda on the virtual eve of one of history’s most important moments so he could debase the democratic process for the purpose of marketing a television program centered around the relative leadership skills of people named, among other things, “Meatloaf”.


We’ve watched, in awe, as another one of America’s cable news legislative “rising stars” soiled herself in a clumsy and patronizing attempt to endear herself with the flinty residents of New Hampshire.  Trust us Michelle Bachman, true Yankees have heard it all.  Pointing out to New Hampshire residents the role their state played hosting the Battles of Lexington and Concord, events that actually took place (as any 10 year old can tell you) in Massachusetts, is not the way to do it.


And then, of course, what week in American politics would ever be complete without a salacious celebrity sex-scandal involving Guatemalan immigrants, Austrian immigrants, the Kennedys, deceit, bastard children, NBC News, Oprah Winfrey, and Hollywood?  So thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger, for teaching us that with the right amount of effort, and gall, and a penis, anything is possible. 


Which is all fine and good for smarty pants jackasses like me, but for conservative political strategists, things are not so sweet.  They’ve got a problem heading into election year 2012.  A serious problem.  They’re low on candidates.  They’re almost out.  This is not what they were expecting.  They thought having a black guy to run against would mean they’d be turning them away at the door.  Instead they’ve got Mitt Romney.  A Massachusetts stained Mormon who ran the beta test for Obama’s health care policy.


Good luck with that.


So now they’re scrambling to build a fresh new field from which something electable can emerge.  They’re trying their best, really they are.  And here’s the cast that they’ve come up with so far.  


For your consideration...

• Rudolph ‘‘Zeke” Weissangel...A self made anti-income tax billionaire who built his fortune marketing reprocessed red tide clam shells to Florida retirees as driveway gravel.  Still in it’s infancy, Weissangel’s campaign so far, is limited to a solitary, but catchy, bumper sticker campaign slogan:  “ZEKE HEIL!”.  To most, it will be an uphill battle for Weissangel, both for his physical appearance (he weighs 630 lbs and has a dueling scar) and for his extensive presence on YouTube hosting cross burning videos.   
• Amanda La Panda.  A graduate of Bob Jones University with a dual degree in Political Science and Creationism, this former professional baton twirling instructor has no specific qualifications beyond her senior year stint as an alternate homeroom Student Council Rep at Punta Grande High School in Modesto, CA.  Her supporters, however, are quick to point out that she is against raising income taxes, she finds Obama threatening, she has perky natural breasts plus she has a really cute name that they believe will get her a lot of votes because, when you come right down to it, everyone loves pandas.
• “Robot”, the beloved actor robot from the 1960’s television series, “Lost In Space”.  Strategists hope “Robot” will fill the GOP’s critical need for a right of center crossover candidate by effectively drawing in sympathetic social issue voters once they learn that in high school he was bullied for being gay.
• Michael Steele.  This former Republican National Committee Chairman, often mistaken for a Muppet, is seeking to break out of his traditional role as the go-to guy for the Republican establishment when someone needs to be thrown under a bus.  Anxious to get the process moving, Steele has lately been letting everyone within earshot know that he is refusing to release his birth certificate.  (On a side note, in a recent poll, 78% of queried Democrats believe that Steele is a white man.)  
• Ratko Mladic.  A devout anti-income tax advocate and a darling of “law and order” groups worldwide, strategists are still testing the waters with this one.  Their biggest challenge?  It’s not the fact that Mladic is a foreign national, does not speak english, is currently under arrest for war crimes, and is reputed to eat kittens for breakfast.  It’s finding a positive way to plausibly explain why he is a Twitter follower of Yanni.
• Andre the Seal.  Despite being dead, Andre is still considered by many to be a viable contender for the presidential nomination thanks to the memory of his cute little whiskers and his legendary opposition to the Federal Income Tax code.  Party operatives are also hoping to capitalize on a large number of somewhat confused registered voters who believe that Andre was a member of Seal Team 6.  The down side:  Being dead, and a seal, will make it hard for Andre to ride into D.C. on a Harley.
• New York Congressman Anthony Weiner.  ...Even though a Democrat, and possibly a perv, a favorite never-the-less, because really, ...how many voters could pass up the opportunity to elect a president named Weiner?
• Your Name Here.  If you’re into it, send in your resume.  At this point you’ve still got a shot.

For now, things are tilted in the Democrats favor, but fear not, hungry Republicans, it’s early.  And as anyone who has watched this sausage building process before knows, there’s never a shortage of ingredients.  


It’s only just begun.


Enjoy.









©  2011 J. Mark Rast