The breakthrough occurred this past week when I flipped on the tube, changed the channel, ...and bingo, there they were, The Olympics. Specifically, there was Hungary and Romania, locked in a hotly contested, no holds barred, take no prisoners, everything’s at stake, gripping, groping, down and dirty, this one’s for all the marbles, world class grudge match of…
...water polo.
That’s right, water polo. The sport of kings.
Well, not kings, actually. Serfs is more like it. In fact, in this case it was two platoons of swarthy, smarmy, surly looking Eastern European guys wearing scowls, Speedos, bathing caps and a whole lot of extra back hair,
...but you get the idea.
“What better way to avoid global thermonuclear annihilation?” I wondered as I watched, transfixed. “What better way to resolve geopolitical differences? What better way to let off steam? What better way to avoid a bath? Water polo! Forget the U.N. Security Council, ...we’ve got WATER POLO!”
Later I was disappointed to learn that besides the contestants in the pool and the technicians photographing them, there were probably seven people in the whole world who were actually watching Romania inappropriately touch Hungary, and four of them were probably in prison. That made me sad. For a few fleeting moments my hopes had been buoyed by the prospect that a proliferation of international water polo rivalries might actually lead to something positive. In theory, anyway. And all joking aside, it really wouldn’t be that bad a plan. Let the world’s natural enemies come together on a neutral playing field, have them let off a little hate steam through organized gamesmanship, and the world just might be a safer place to live in. Or so it would seem.
But the problem is, not all Olympic contests (water polo in particular), necessarily make for good TV. A pool full of hairy backs, it turns out, is bad TV. Bad TV means bad ratings. Bad ratings means no viewers. No viewers means no sponsors, and no sponsors means no coverage. Let’s face it, if world peace is going to break out on American television it’s going to have to be waxed, and sponsored by Budweiser.
Quite a dilemma, huh? Well this is where I decided I could make a contribution. I’m a bright guy, I watch a lot of TV, I have a lot of good ideas and basically I have nothing better to do, so I figured I could conjure up a couple of suggestions for the International Olympic Committee to help improve the telegenic appeal of some of the more un-watchable events. The desired result would be more viewers spending more time viewing more games, ...and thus spending less time killing, maiming, and hating.
So I turned down the volume, opened up a beer and came up with five solid suggestions for improving the Olympic television experience. Listen up, NBC. Here they are:
(1) More nudity. I don’t believe the logic of this one requires much further explanation. One need only conjure up one’s own images to appreciate the natural appeal this might have. Of course, it would have to be limited to certain events at certain times on certain venues, but my guess is that a clothing optional uneven parallel bar competition would draw a lot more viewers from an entirely new demographic.
And talk about degree of difficulty!
(2) Combination Sports. Combo sports would go a long way towards making the games more cost effective as well as serving to bring together an even broader spectrum of socially disparate groups. For example, consider the sport of target shooting. Instead of having just traditional target shooting, (which, because it requires long periods of intense mental concentration and virtually no physical movement, currently seems to have no audience appeal beyond your local high school chess club), why not combine it with another more kinetic event such as, say, the 200m high hurdles, which seems to be a favorite of people who’ve spent much of their lives running from the police and Olympic drug testers. Instead of pointing high tech target rifles at boring stationary bulls-eyes, shooters would be required to use hollow point bullets to hit targets painted on the backs of 200 meter hurdlers. Talk about motivation! Make this modification and I guarantee the record books will get rewritten on a regular basis.
(3) Surprise blindfolds. In this scenario Olympic officials would surprise competitors in randomly chosen events by requiring them to wear blindfolds. There would be no exceptions and no advance notice. Blindfolded runners, blindfolded cyclists, blindfolded pole-vaulters…the high dive event alone would make this a worthwhile endeavor. And while there’s no guarantee it would improve the performance of the athletes, one thing is certain; adopt this practice and TiVo sales go through the roof.
(4) Make better use of petroleum products. It just seems logical. If most of the world’s conflicts revolve around controlling the earth’s supplies of crude oil, then oil should factor more directly in the games. This could be accomplished easily by doing things like spreading petroleum jelly on the floor of the weight lifting competition, having oil slicks burn during synchronized swimming events, or having high jumpers land in a pits filled with Vapo-Rub. That would be fun to watch.
(5) Final suggestion: Include monkeys.
If, as a civilization, we are ever to be successful in moving forward to a world of greater tolerance, a world of greater peace, a world of greater compassion, then we are going to have to start including more primates. Of course, there’s bound to be some logistical obstacles to overcome, (housing, drug testing, etc.) and a few residency/citizenship issues to hammer out as well, but in general this is a very doable proposition. Monkeys are superb athletes, they make great competitors, they’re fiercely nationalistic, and except for occasionally flinging their own feces, display exemplary Olympic sportsmanship. Bring in the apes and I promise you, woman’s beach volleyball will never be the same. ...I know I’d be watching!
So there you go, Mr. International Olympic Planning Committee Man, you’ve got four years to institute these five humble suggestions. Four years to rekindle viewer interest, four years make the world a safer place, four years to get it right; for the games, for the planet, for those who matter most.
The people at Budweiser.
And the monkeys.
Just do it.
© 2012 J. Mark Rast