FROM THE DESK OF: Digby J. Haffenschtuker
Welcoming Committee Chairman/Homeland Security Coordinator
SunnyDale Acres Planned Living Community/Phase 3
Dear New Resident:
Howdy!
Welcome to the neighborhood!
Here are the rules.
No drinking.
Ha ha…just kidding, actually we all drink like fish around here, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, glub, glub, glub…so feel free to booze it up as much as you like. All we ask is that you leave your empties neatly by the curb so we can pick through them for returnables. Also, try to leave them out in an open container. That helps the rest of us gauge your taste in liquor as well as your annual income. Not that anybody here cares, big shot.
Next rule: No pets.
Ha HA! Again I’m just kidding! We love pets in this neighborhood. Most of us have pit bulls. You probably didn’t notice when you moved in, but the people next to you have goats. The McManus family, down the street, are trying to raise pigs this year. Jack and Nancy Vu had a python, but it strayed off (maybe you noticed the posters?) The wife and I keep a cow in our garage. Stop by if you like fresh milk, or if you ever just get the urge to squeeze a teat.
Rule number three: No smoking. Seriously. We have a local ordinance. No smoking.
Ha ha HA!!!!! Again I’m just joking, new neighbor. (Wow! Are you ever gullible!) Of course you can smoke! You can smoke your little tar filled heart out. If fact, if you ever run out of smokes, the guy who lives across the street from you usually has a huge selection available for sale in his garage, and his prices are amazing! He’s also got a lot of other items, cameras, laptops, jewelry… so definitely stop by. Just remember it’s cash only and he may want to pat you down for a wire.
By the way, what is it you do, anyway?
I’m sorry. That’s so rude. Totally none of my business right now. You’ve barely moved in and here I am being a nosy pest. My apologies.
But you’re not a cop are you?
Okay, whatever you are, you’re welcome, and anyway, you are going to really like it here. There are lots and lots and lots of really fun and interesting things to do here in the neighborhood. There’s also a church up at the corner. Stop by the rectory anytime and register with Monsignor O’Malley.
What’s that? You’re what???
Oh…
Well, that’s okay. No problem. In this neighborhood we pride ourselves on tolerance. We welcome people of all backgrounds, all creeds and all religious denominations.
Even yours.
In any event, let’s focus on something else besides your religious problems, like parties! Hoo-HOO! Neighborhood tradition has it that the new family (that’s you!) hosts a big move-in blowout bash no later than the first weekend after moving in. So seeing as how it’s already Thursday, and around here we consider noon Friday as the official start of the weekend, you may want to start stocking up a little. As I mentioned earlier, we like to drink. Don’t fret about vittles, we all pitch in and bring potluck, so you don’t have to worry about cooking anything, except for the pig. The pig is your job. But don’t stress. All you have to do is put a pig in the ground and rope off a part of your lawn for everybody to park their motorcycles and you’re all set. By the way, if you don’t have a pig, check in with the McManus family down the street. They may have one they’re trying to dump.
Actually, come to think of it, there are a couple of other things you may want to do to prepare. These are just minor suggestions, mind you. You don’t have to follow them. It’s your property.
First, if you have guns (and really, in this neighborhood, who doesn’t?), you’re going to want to make sure they’re properly stowed and secured. However it’s not a bad idea to maybe just keep one or two stashed under a sofa cushion or tucked into your belt in case someone cops a “tude”.
Know what I’m sayin?
Another thing you want to make sure of is, no cameras. We got nothing against photography per se around here but until you get to know everybody a little better it’s probably best if you don’t go taking any pictures of your neighbors. Some of them have some privacy issues that you don’t really need to know about at this point in time. All that matters is that when it comes to snapshots, if you know what’s good for you, just don’t.
Once the party really gets going, the other thing you’re going to want to have handy is a lot of towels. You’ll understand later.
Once you’ve fulfilled your party obligation, you and your surviving family members are totally welcome to jump into any of the fun, fun, fun activities that go on around here twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, because now you are one of us. We own you.
What do you like to do? Bowling? Tennis? Pole dancing? How about cage fighting? No problem. Even if your idea of a wild time is just a simple Sunday morning cockfight, we’ve got it all here on the block. And don’t forget, bring the kids.
Let’s see…what else do you need to know…hmmm….
Okay, there’s a school somewhere up the street if you’ve got kids that are into that sort of thing. The name escapes me, but if you just flag down a school bus they can probably give you the information you need.
If you need groceries, there’s a super market with a package store just down the way about twenty minutes that takes food stamps and Confederate script. Good to know. And if you’re a hunter or just somebody who likes to live off the land, you can always harvest the plentiful bounty of squirrels, possum, or any of the other distempered game vermin you can find infesting the trees and underbrush around your house. All we ask is that if you go away on vacation, please clear your traps before you leave to help keep the buzzards down, and don’t go killing any snakes until you talk to the Vu’s.
Let’s see, what else…….
Oh yeah, parking!
Obviously there is plenty of parking available here in SunnyDale Acres. There are no parking meters and no parking restrictions. As you can tell, we don’t live under a lot of rules around here. This isn’t wartime Germany after all, although there is a guy down the street who likes to wear a German helmet while he rides around on his lawn mower. (Don’t worry, Otto is harmless. If he claims he’s annexed your lawn just ignore him.)
Garbage day is Tuesday, but we play that one pretty loose too. Who is in or out of detox down at the DPW has a lot to do with how well the pick-up schedule is kept. Your best bet is to just put your trash out there if front of your house whenever it’s comfortable for you, and if it starts getting out of hand, just burn it.
By the way, our Fire Department is top notch, so no worries there. As long as their phones are working (which is most of the time) you will not find a horse drawn fire wagon with a faster response time. For medical emergencies we usually just call Johnsons Funeral Home. We find it saves time.
Ooops! Almost forgot. We do have a neighborhood volunteer security patrol. They’re armed. If you go out after dark, make sure to carry some ID. You may also want to make sure you’ve always got some extra cash on you.
So that’s about it. There’s not much else you really need to know. You’ve chosen a wonderful neighborhood full of wonderful interesting people, most of whom are relatively safe. We hope that you enjoy your stay here, however brief, and we hope you’ll let us make you feel like part of our big happy family.
So kick back, relax, keep an eye open for pythons…
And welcome to the neighborhood!
Sincerely,
Digby J. Haffenschtuker
© 2014 Mark Rast
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