To the nationwide delight of pundits, pollsters, hardcore political junkies, news directors, editors, cartoonists, schizophrenics, and most of all, comedians, (not to mention Democrats and certain segments of the Kodiak bear population), news reports are once again being floated, in the erstwhile “mainstream” press, no less, regarding the renewed possibility of a legitimate presidential run by America’s favorite MILF and eyewear model, Sarah Palin.
This can mean only one thing, America: Intellectually...We’re still retarded! Yayyyyy!
Ahhh, these are heady days for we cultural cynics. It’s been a good year. We’ve enjoyed a run of exceptionally ludicrous behavior on the part of some of our more lovable and buttoned down leaders. No mouth has been so cavernous that a foot could not be found to fill it, no ethical void so deep that a soul could not be found to leap into it.
No doubt, it has gotten a little scary at times.
We’ve had a sitting President forced to pull states rights strings in order to produce a piece of documentation so mundane that for the 299,999,999 other US residents, the benefit of the doubt has historically been good enough.
We’ve let a weepy man who bakes himself into the skin tone of a Nacho Cheese Dorito become the United States Speaker of the House.
We’ve let a spoiled New Yorker with a squirrel’s nest on his head hijack the national agenda on the virtual eve of one of history’s most important moments so he could debase the democratic process for the purpose of marketing a television program centered around the relative leadership skills of people named, among other things, “Meatloaf”.
We’ve watched, in awe, as another one of America’s cable news legislative “rising stars” soiled herself in a clumsy and patronizing attempt to endear herself with the flinty residents of New Hampshire. Trust us Michelle Bachman, true Yankees have heard it all. Pointing out to New Hampshire residents the role their state played hosting the Battles of Lexington and Concord, events that actually took place (as any 10 year old can tell you) in Massachusetts, is not the way to do it.
And then, of course, what week in American politics would ever be complete without a salacious celebrity sex-scandal involving Guatemalan immigrants, Austrian immigrants, the Kennedys, deceit, bastard children, NBC News, Oprah Winfrey, and Hollywood? So thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger, for teaching us that with the right amount of effort, and gall, and a penis, anything is possible.
Which is all fine and good for smarty pants jackasses like me, but for conservative political strategists, things are not so sweet. They’ve got a problem heading into election year 2012. A serious problem. They’re low on candidates. They’re almost out. This is not what they were expecting. They thought having a black guy to run against would mean they’d be turning them away at the door. Instead they’ve got Mitt Romney. A Massachusetts stained Mormon who ran the beta test for Obama’s health care policy.
Good luck with that.
So now they’re scrambling to build a fresh new field from which something electable can emerge. They’re trying their best, really they are. And here’s the cast that they’ve come up with so far.
For your consideration...
It’s only just begun.
Enjoy.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
This can mean only one thing, America: Intellectually...We’re still retarded! Yayyyyy!
Ahhh, these are heady days for we cultural cynics. It’s been a good year. We’ve enjoyed a run of exceptionally ludicrous behavior on the part of some of our more lovable and buttoned down leaders. No mouth has been so cavernous that a foot could not be found to fill it, no ethical void so deep that a soul could not be found to leap into it.
No doubt, it has gotten a little scary at times.
We’ve had a sitting President forced to pull states rights strings in order to produce a piece of documentation so mundane that for the 299,999,999 other US residents, the benefit of the doubt has historically been good enough.
We’ve let a weepy man who bakes himself into the skin tone of a Nacho Cheese Dorito become the United States Speaker of the House.
We’ve let a spoiled New Yorker with a squirrel’s nest on his head hijack the national agenda on the virtual eve of one of history’s most important moments so he could debase the democratic process for the purpose of marketing a television program centered around the relative leadership skills of people named, among other things, “Meatloaf”.
We’ve watched, in awe, as another one of America’s cable news legislative “rising stars” soiled herself in a clumsy and patronizing attempt to endear herself with the flinty residents of New Hampshire. Trust us Michelle Bachman, true Yankees have heard it all. Pointing out to New Hampshire residents the role their state played hosting the Battles of Lexington and Concord, events that actually took place (as any 10 year old can tell you) in Massachusetts, is not the way to do it.
And then, of course, what week in American politics would ever be complete without a salacious celebrity sex-scandal involving Guatemalan immigrants, Austrian immigrants, the Kennedys, deceit, bastard children, NBC News, Oprah Winfrey, and Hollywood? So thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger, for teaching us that with the right amount of effort, and gall, and a penis, anything is possible.
Which is all fine and good for smarty pants jackasses like me, but for conservative political strategists, things are not so sweet. They’ve got a problem heading into election year 2012. A serious problem. They’re low on candidates. They’re almost out. This is not what they were expecting. They thought having a black guy to run against would mean they’d be turning them away at the door. Instead they’ve got Mitt Romney. A Massachusetts stained Mormon who ran the beta test for Obama’s health care policy.
Good luck with that.
So now they’re scrambling to build a fresh new field from which something electable can emerge. They’re trying their best, really they are. And here’s the cast that they’ve come up with so far.
For your consideration...
- Rudolph ‘‘Zeke” Weissangel...A self made anti-income tax billionaire who built his fortune marketing reprocessed red tide clam shells to Florida retirees as driveway gravel. Still in it’s infancy, Weissangel’s campaign so far, is limited to a solitary, but catchy, bumper sticker campaign slogan: “ZEKE HEIL!”. To most, it will be an uphill battle for Weissangel, both for his physical appearance (he weighs 630 lbs and has a dueling scar) and for his extensive presence on YouTube hosting cross burning videos.
- Amanda La Panda. A graduate of Bob Jones University with a dual degree in Political Science and Creationism, this former professional baton twirling instructor has no specific qualifications beyond her senior year stint as an alternate homeroom Student Council Rep at Punta Grande High School in Modesto, CA. Her supporters, however, are quick to point out that she is against raising income taxes, she finds Obama threatening, she has perky natural breasts plus she has a really cute name that they believe will get her a lot of votes because, when you come right down to it, everyone loves pandas.
- “Robot”, the beloved actor robot from the 1960’s television series, “Lost In Space”. Strategists hope “Robot” will fill the GOP’s critical need for a right of center crossover candidate by effectively drawing in sympathetic social issue voters once they learn that in high school he was bullied for being gay.
- Michael Steele. This former Republican National Committee Chairman, often mistaken for a Muppet, is seeking to break out of his traditional role as the go-to guy for the Republican establishment when someone needs to be thrown under a bus. Anxious to get the process moving, Steele has lately been letting everyone within earshot know that he is refusing to release his birth certificate. (On a side note, in a recent poll, 78% of queried Democrats believe that Steele is a white man.)
- Ratko Mladic. A devout anti-income tax advocate and a darling of “law and order” groups worldwide, strategists are still testing the waters with this one. Their biggest challenge? It’s not the fact that Mladic is a foreign national, does not speak english, is currently under arrest for war crimes, and is reputed to eat kittens for breakfast. It’s finding a positive way to plausibly explain why he is a Twitter follower of Yanni.
- Andre the Seal. Despite being dead, Andre is still considered by many to be a viable contender for the presidential nomination thanks to the memory of his cute little whiskers and his legendary opposition to the Federal Income Tax code. Party operatives are also hoping to capitalize on a large number of somewhat confused registered voters who believe that Andre was a member of Seal Team 6. The down side: Being dead, and a seal, will make it hard for Andre to ride into D.C. on a Harley.
- New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. ...Even though a Democrat, and possibly a perv, a favorite never-the-less, because really, ...how many voters could pass up the opportunity to elect a president named Weiner?
- Your Name Here. If you’re into it, send in your resume. At this point you’ve still got a shot.
It’s only just begun.
Enjoy.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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