House Speaker John Boehner taking a break
In an encouraging development, high ranking officials from both the Treasury Department and the House Committee on Debt Ceiling legislation issued a joint statement today indicating significant progress in the legislative efforts to finalize and craft a passable piece of legislation that would allow President Barack Obama to sign a bill to raise the national debt ceiling.
The released statement said in part:
“As anybody who has access to any sort of electronic communications is well aware, the United States is once again on the brink of a huge financial crisis. As a result... and we don’t want to alarm you... you should probably, at this point, be converting 90% of your life savings into precious metals and using the remainder to stockpile automatic weapons to defend yourself against the wandering hordes of unwashed unemployed that will soon be roaming the countryside looking to steal your fuel, raise your taxes, and eat your children and pets.
However, after an exhaustive series of Capitol Hill investigations, briefings, seminars, negotiations and meetings with leading economists, as well as high level Treasury officials and senior staffers at TMZ, congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle have determined, using hard data provided by the Congressional Budget Office and at times a Ouiga board left behind by the Reagan administration, that currently there remain only FIVE MAIN obstacles to successfully crafting a Debt Ceiling Limit Bill compromise bill that can be finalized and put into law. FIVE! We firmly believe these small obstacles can be surmounted, and in the interest of full disclosure as well as effectively diluting any actual debate, we want the American people to think they know just what we are up against. Therefore we have decided to identify them...the five obstacles.
Specifically these final five obstacles regard:
So there you have them, America. The stumbling blocks. Five of them. Totally doable. But just to be safe, you’d better brace yourself, and perhaps learn a few key phrases in Mandarin (...Yes, Master. I understand, Master Your driving is excellent, Master...). However, on the off-chance that things don’t go perfectly, they do spell doom. Because at the moment, despite all their experience, education, acumen, and intellect, your elected leaders (and the lobbyists we work for) can not figure out a solution.
But there is still time, at least six or seven news cycles, and we do have hope.
Now, please, return to your regular irrational fears about gay marriage and Mexicans, and let us worry about the economy.
God Bless America, buy something disposable, and thank you.
--Your friends at the Federal Government."
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
The released statement said in part:
“As anybody who has access to any sort of electronic communications is well aware, the United States is once again on the brink of a huge financial crisis. As a result... and we don’t want to alarm you... you should probably, at this point, be converting 90% of your life savings into precious metals and using the remainder to stockpile automatic weapons to defend yourself against the wandering hordes of unwashed unemployed that will soon be roaming the countryside looking to steal your fuel, raise your taxes, and eat your children and pets.
However, after an exhaustive series of Capitol Hill investigations, briefings, seminars, negotiations and meetings with leading economists, as well as high level Treasury officials and senior staffers at TMZ, congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle have determined, using hard data provided by the Congressional Budget Office and at times a Ouiga board left behind by the Reagan administration, that currently there remain only FIVE MAIN obstacles to successfully crafting a Debt Ceiling Limit Bill compromise bill that can be finalized and put into law. FIVE! We firmly believe these small obstacles can be surmounted, and in the interest of full disclosure as well as effectively diluting any actual debate, we want the American people to think they know just what we are up against. Therefore we have decided to identify them...the five obstacles.
Specifically these final five obstacles regard:
- Skin color: C’mon admit it. You know this is part of the problem. Speaker of the House John Boehner is orange. This is huge distraction. Nobody involved can focus effectively as long as they are forced to deal with somebody who is makes them feel like they’re talking to a basketball. And orange people just have that odd......odor.
- China: One of the most under-reported obstacles in the ongoing compromise dispute regards not just where we are going to find the money to pay our national bills, but exactly how and when and where the United States is going to surrender it’s territories, it’s assets, and all of it’s able bodied citizens to China, so that they can be used for medical experiments and slave labor. All of this is pretty much a forgone conclusion. But it’s like nobody wants to talk about it.
- The Sopranos: This has been gnawing at us down at Treasury for years, and frankly, until we learn the truth, nothing in our culture will ever get resolved. What exactly happened at the end of the series finale of The Sopranos? Did everybody get whacked? What about Meadow? Did it have something to do with that crazy Russian guy who ran away into the woods? And what was the significance of the onion rings? ...And JOURNEY??? Are you freakin kidding me? ....JOURNEY???? For God’s sakes, HBO...dispose of this distraction and give us some closure so we can move on.
- The Kamikazi Congress of 2011. This is an especially tough one. It’s hard to find a compromise when 87 people across the table are all hell bent and determined to self-destruct and are more than happy to take everybody (except their slave masters) with them. Once upon a time people like this used to fly airplanes into aircraft carriers, or jump off cliffs, or sit around drinking Kool-aid in Guyana. Now they blindly sign pledges and run for open seats in the US House of Representatives. Lemmings have a better sense of direction and decency.
- The Cultural Impact of Clumping Kitty Litter with Odor Absorbent Crystals: This is the price we pay for progress, people. A product is introduced that so effectively solves one of life’s greatest problems and improves the quality of life so much, that an entire nation is lulled into a stupor of complacency, assuming that such a technological success inherently means that no challenge out there is so great that it can’t and won’t be overcome by total strangers...some of whom are orange.
So there you have them, America. The stumbling blocks. Five of them. Totally doable. But just to be safe, you’d better brace yourself, and perhaps learn a few key phrases in Mandarin (...Yes, Master. I understand, Master Your driving is excellent, Master...). However, on the off-chance that things don’t go perfectly, they do spell doom. Because at the moment, despite all their experience, education, acumen, and intellect, your elected leaders (and the lobbyists we work for) can not figure out a solution.
But there is still time, at least six or seven news cycles, and we do have hope.
Now, please, return to your regular irrational fears about gay marriage and Mexicans, and let us worry about the economy.
God Bless America, buy something disposable, and thank you.
--Your friends at the Federal Government."
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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