EDITORS NOTE: On November 23rd, 2011, the National Aeronautical Space Administration, and the United Launch Alliance, launched a Atlas V rocket carrying in it’s foreskin what is the scientific community’s latest and most sophisticated interplanetary fact gathering device, the Mars Scientific Laboratory Mars Rover, nicknamed “Curiosity”.
Rumored to be included with the device is a written communication identifying the Earthbound source of the rover, the nature of it’s scientific mission, as well as a "good will" greeting to any native Martian lifeforms that may happen to discover it while walking along the beach with metal detectors looking for lost coins.
Traditionally, extending this message has been a presidential privilege, enjoyed by the duly elected Chief Executive occupying the Oval Office at the time of the launch.
However, investigators at Kielbasablog have determined that due to his consistently low favorability ratings, and because NASA administrators, eager to safeguard their funding, did not want to risk alienating any of the Republican candidates currently challenging President Barack Obama in the upcoming 2012 election, NASA decided this time to also include brief statements from those Republican contenders still officially listed as candidates as of 11/28/2011. For laughs, they also included a statement from former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner.
Here then, are the statements. The first words are those of President of the United States, Barack OBama.
Comrades! From all of us: the peaceful, hopeful, and impossibly hip residents of earth, to all of you: the distinguished, peaceful, and under entitled residents of Mars, we extend to you our most heartfelt glad tidings and warm greetings. We would like to give you some money. We would also like to apologize to you for whatever it is we have done to you whether or not we actually have done it and whether or not you actually exist. Please be assured that you will be compensated, with interest (compounded annually) plus punitive damages, and, if I can swing it, free healthcare. Please forgive us. Please. And please let us make up to you for the inconveniences we have caused. Landing an uninvited spacecraft on your home was, admittedly, a somewhat selfish and reckless act, so we hope you will accept our apologies, plus whatever you estimate the value of your planet is, times twelve.
Meanwhile, as long as we are here, we were wondering if you have any chores need doin, any industries that need regulating, ...or if possibly you have any oil.
Ha ha...just kidding, about the regulating part, anyway. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.
But in all seriousness, we want to emphasize once again, the peaceful nature of our visit, and to assure you that despite the fact that our planet is more or less in a constant state of war, and although we just slammed a microbe-loaded unmanned spacecraft into your world, probably killing several of your inhabitants in the process (Remember...keep track of claim items for later!), please never-the-less know that we have travelled to your wonderful planet with the best of intentions and seeking only knowledge, wisdom, friendship, and whatever precious natural resources you may have that we might find useful.
In closing, I encourage you to get back to us with a response at your earliest convenience, ...if possible, sometime shortly before November 7th, 2012, ...particularly if you have oil. And on a related note, for your own safety I’d just like to point out to you that thanks to me, Osama Bin Laden is dead.
That’s not a threat.
I’m just sayin.
So until we hear from you, I, along with all the inhabitants of Earth including the 28% of Americans who currently support me, wish all of you, no matter how freakishly ugly or green you may be, health, happiness, prosperity, and peace.
Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
President of the United States of America
Next, here in alphabetical order, are the included comments from the remaining GOP and Independent candidates.
...From Minnesota Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann:
To all my new alien friends, a hearty “Buenos Dias!” It is with the greatest sense of pride and honor that I write these words to you knowing that you will be reading them on this, your very first day as colonial subjects of the planet Earth. As the first female (we have vaginas) President of the United States, ...and your Imperial Commanderess Peligrosa!...I would like to welcome you to the Earth family, and assure you that you will not be harmed in any extraordinary way, as long as you cooperate. Also, we may ask you to participate in some medical experiments. Please know that ours is a very loving, peaceful, and tolerant family, and that as our subjects, you are absolutely welcome to enjoy observing all of Earth’s glorious benefits, from afar. You should also know that we are a very inclusive family, and we look forward to having you come to our planet (the bluish green one) for a nice visit, a tour, and perhaps even dinner. (It will be educational. We’ll show you how we like our tables cleared!) You will be welcomed warmly, treated royally, and (as long as you have documentation) invited to apply for any available landscaping positions we may have open at that time.
Until then, may God (our God...the only God that matters) be with you.
Sincerely,
Michele Bachmann
...From former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain:
To the planet Mars and the organisms upon it, in particular the women... Salutations! And Peace! Do not be afraid. We just want to look at you for a little while. Then we’ll move on.
Please do not misinterpret or place undue significance upon this act. We wish only to be friends, to learn some things about each other and perhaps share some special memories together in the cold dark lonely shadows of space. It’s no big thing, and nobody ever has to know.
It’s just, you looked so good...the way the sunlight fell across your soft red surface. And those canals... Well...
But I digress. What is important is that you know you have friends here on the planet earth, friends who really care about you and respect you, even if they can’t always show it in public. And that if you just let us probe around for a little while, we’ll soon be on our way and it will be like none of this ever happened. But later on, if you ever needed help, we would be open to something reasonable. Because that’s how we get it done here on Earth, ...by quietly taking care of each other’s needs. We all have needs. ;)
Finally, speaking now as the ultimate representative for my planet--it’s people, it’s culture, and it’s pizza--I want you to know that you can always call, or text, us. You can also follow us on Twitter @Earthinvaders using the hashtag #MarsIsOurs. We’ll be there for you every step of the way.
With sincerest regards,
Herman Cain
...From former Georgia Congressman, Newt Gingrich:
Martians. By now you’ve probably heard numerous reports that my intellect is the most developed of all known life forms currently living on the planet Earth. These reports are completely accurate. As such, I am going to waste neither my time nor my energy serving up meaningless platitudes and empty gestures of fabricated desires for interplanetary friendship, particularly with people that are by choice, green. Instead I am going to save us both a lot of grief and time and suggest to you that if you have any concerns related to the arrival of the Mars Research Laboratory research vehicle, “Curiosity”, you should organize and itemize them into a cohesive, coherent, concise and thoroughly documented rebuttal presentation complete with footnotes and audio/visual support elements, and be prepared to present it in person to a closed door joint session of Congress no later than September 1, 2012. Late submissions will not be accepted. No excuses, no exceptions...including diagnosis of cancer.
Warmest regards,
The Smartest Man On Earth, Newt Gingrich
...From former Utah Governor, John Huntsman:
Dear Citizens of Mars,
I just want to tell you, you are going to LOVE being Americans. LOVE it. You’re not going to love being green Americans, but that is what we call “par for the course” here on Earth in America. Sorry to have to tell you that, but I’m trying to be honest. On Earth, we all have to put up with a certain amount of being labeled as the “weirdo” in the group.
Not me, though. I’m a Mormon.
Meanwhile, regarding the research Rover device currently poking around touching your ankles, please try to ignore it and under no circumstances, if you have eyes, make eye contact. Forgive us if it seems a little impersonal, or if you think it goes too far. We mean no disrespect. We would have sent an actual, more tactful human emissary, but insurance costs have been killing us, and frankly, we’re still trying to determine if you’re worth it.
So, in short, carry on. We’ll let you know if we need anything.
With Somewhat Qualified Regards,
John Huntsman
...From Texas Congressman, Ron Paul:
I have been sending you mental messages for decades, DECADES, and now, FINALLY, you are acknowledging me? Because of a handwritten note stuffed into a something that looks like an RC toy from RadioShack?
Unbelievable.
When you decide to get serious about taking steps to preserve your personal liberties, you contact me. Understand?
Ron Paul
...From Texas, Governor Rick Perry:
Let’s get something straight, Martians. Starting today you people are going to straighten up and fly right. You’re going to get jobs. You’re going to clean up after yourselves. You’re going to get some self-respect. You’re going to think seriously about accepting Jesus Christ as your savior. You’re all going to sit down and watch The Blind Side and you’re going to learn to play football.
And best part of all, nothing will be required of you except a willingness to work and a signed statement from you granting us unlimited soil testing and drilling rights for every square inch of your planet.
And let me just warn you, if you mess up, we will execute you.
Now, go about your business and wait for further instructions.
God bless you.
Go Aggies!
Rick Perry, Texas A&M ‘72
...From former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney:
Dear Beloved Citizens of Mars:
On this historic occasion, on behalf of all of America and the whole of the planet Earth, I would like to extend my warmest greetings, and express my sincerest promise, that as leader of the free Earth world, I will forever be committed to you, my Martian friends, and to the nurturing, building, and maintaining of a positive, prosperous, and peaceful relationship between the people of Earth, and the residents of Mars.
Unless polls indicate I should do otherwise. At which time my position will be revisited.
Meanwhile, please know that we from Earth will never harm you, never ask anything of you, and look eagerly forward only, to a shared future of greatness, fulfillment, and spiritual reward.
Until then, or at least until I get the results from the most recent focus groups, may your world know nothing but joy, peace, good health, and true happiness, at least for now.
God be with you.
Your friend (for the time being),
Mitt Romney
...From former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum.
Reading these words? Oh Joy! It means you are a living organism. How pleased we are to learn that humanity has just discovered yet another glorious branch on the wondrous family tree of life. Welcome, Mars friends. You are now part of our family.
Of course, being a member of this family means accepting certain responsibilities...tidy appearance, courteous behavior, ...and obligations. Obligations such as a total dedication to family values, the sanctity of life, and the endless quest to protect the unborn. We trust you’ll join us in this quest. Otherwise we will hunt down every living thing on your planet and destroy it.
Until such time, as always, you’ll be in our prayers.
Rick Santorum
...From former New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner:
Dear People of Mars:
What are you wearing?
Tony
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
Rumored to be included with the device is a written communication identifying the Earthbound source of the rover, the nature of it’s scientific mission, as well as a "good will" greeting to any native Martian lifeforms that may happen to discover it while walking along the beach with metal detectors looking for lost coins.
Traditionally, extending this message has been a presidential privilege, enjoyed by the duly elected Chief Executive occupying the Oval Office at the time of the launch.
However, investigators at Kielbasablog have determined that due to his consistently low favorability ratings, and because NASA administrators, eager to safeguard their funding, did not want to risk alienating any of the Republican candidates currently challenging President Barack Obama in the upcoming 2012 election, NASA decided this time to also include brief statements from those Republican contenders still officially listed as candidates as of 11/28/2011. For laughs, they also included a statement from former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner.
Here then, are the statements. The first words are those of President of the United States, Barack OBama.
Comrades! From all of us: the peaceful, hopeful, and impossibly hip residents of earth, to all of you: the distinguished, peaceful, and under entitled residents of Mars, we extend to you our most heartfelt glad tidings and warm greetings. We would like to give you some money. We would also like to apologize to you for whatever it is we have done to you whether or not we actually have done it and whether or not you actually exist. Please be assured that you will be compensated, with interest (compounded annually) plus punitive damages, and, if I can swing it, free healthcare. Please forgive us. Please. And please let us make up to you for the inconveniences we have caused. Landing an uninvited spacecraft on your home was, admittedly, a somewhat selfish and reckless act, so we hope you will accept our apologies, plus whatever you estimate the value of your planet is, times twelve.
Meanwhile, as long as we are here, we were wondering if you have any chores need doin, any industries that need regulating, ...or if possibly you have any oil.
Ha ha...just kidding, about the regulating part, anyway. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.
But in all seriousness, we want to emphasize once again, the peaceful nature of our visit, and to assure you that despite the fact that our planet is more or less in a constant state of war, and although we just slammed a microbe-loaded unmanned spacecraft into your world, probably killing several of your inhabitants in the process (Remember...keep track of claim items for later!), please never-the-less know that we have travelled to your wonderful planet with the best of intentions and seeking only knowledge, wisdom, friendship, and whatever precious natural resources you may have that we might find useful.
In closing, I encourage you to get back to us with a response at your earliest convenience, ...if possible, sometime shortly before November 7th, 2012, ...particularly if you have oil. And on a related note, for your own safety I’d just like to point out to you that thanks to me, Osama Bin Laden is dead.
That’s not a threat.
I’m just sayin.
So until we hear from you, I, along with all the inhabitants of Earth including the 28% of Americans who currently support me, wish all of you, no matter how freakishly ugly or green you may be, health, happiness, prosperity, and peace.
Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama
President of the United States of America
Next, here in alphabetical order, are the included comments from the remaining GOP and Independent candidates.
...From Minnesota Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann:
To all my new alien friends, a hearty “Buenos Dias!” It is with the greatest sense of pride and honor that I write these words to you knowing that you will be reading them on this, your very first day as colonial subjects of the planet Earth. As the first female (we have vaginas) President of the United States, ...and your Imperial Commanderess Peligrosa!...I would like to welcome you to the Earth family, and assure you that you will not be harmed in any extraordinary way, as long as you cooperate. Also, we may ask you to participate in some medical experiments. Please know that ours is a very loving, peaceful, and tolerant family, and that as our subjects, you are absolutely welcome to enjoy observing all of Earth’s glorious benefits, from afar. You should also know that we are a very inclusive family, and we look forward to having you come to our planet (the bluish green one) for a nice visit, a tour, and perhaps even dinner. (It will be educational. We’ll show you how we like our tables cleared!) You will be welcomed warmly, treated royally, and (as long as you have documentation) invited to apply for any available landscaping positions we may have open at that time.
Until then, may God (our God...the only God that matters) be with you.
Sincerely,
Michele Bachmann
...From former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain:
To the planet Mars and the organisms upon it, in particular the women... Salutations! And Peace! Do not be afraid. We just want to look at you for a little while. Then we’ll move on.
Please do not misinterpret or place undue significance upon this act. We wish only to be friends, to learn some things about each other and perhaps share some special memories together in the cold dark lonely shadows of space. It’s no big thing, and nobody ever has to know.
It’s just, you looked so good...the way the sunlight fell across your soft red surface. And those canals... Well...
But I digress. What is important is that you know you have friends here on the planet earth, friends who really care about you and respect you, even if they can’t always show it in public. And that if you just let us probe around for a little while, we’ll soon be on our way and it will be like none of this ever happened. But later on, if you ever needed help, we would be open to something reasonable. Because that’s how we get it done here on Earth, ...by quietly taking care of each other’s needs. We all have needs. ;)
Finally, speaking now as the ultimate representative for my planet--it’s people, it’s culture, and it’s pizza--I want you to know that you can always call, or text, us. You can also follow us on Twitter @Earthinvaders using the hashtag #MarsIsOurs. We’ll be there for you every step of the way.
With sincerest regards,
Herman Cain
...From former Georgia Congressman, Newt Gingrich:
Martians. By now you’ve probably heard numerous reports that my intellect is the most developed of all known life forms currently living on the planet Earth. These reports are completely accurate. As such, I am going to waste neither my time nor my energy serving up meaningless platitudes and empty gestures of fabricated desires for interplanetary friendship, particularly with people that are by choice, green. Instead I am going to save us both a lot of grief and time and suggest to you that if you have any concerns related to the arrival of the Mars Research Laboratory research vehicle, “Curiosity”, you should organize and itemize them into a cohesive, coherent, concise and thoroughly documented rebuttal presentation complete with footnotes and audio/visual support elements, and be prepared to present it in person to a closed door joint session of Congress no later than September 1, 2012. Late submissions will not be accepted. No excuses, no exceptions...including diagnosis of cancer.
Warmest regards,
The Smartest Man On Earth, Newt Gingrich
...From former Utah Governor, John Huntsman:
Dear Citizens of Mars,
I just want to tell you, you are going to LOVE being Americans. LOVE it. You’re not going to love being green Americans, but that is what we call “par for the course” here on Earth in America. Sorry to have to tell you that, but I’m trying to be honest. On Earth, we all have to put up with a certain amount of being labeled as the “weirdo” in the group.
Not me, though. I’m a Mormon.
Meanwhile, regarding the research Rover device currently poking around touching your ankles, please try to ignore it and under no circumstances, if you have eyes, make eye contact. Forgive us if it seems a little impersonal, or if you think it goes too far. We mean no disrespect. We would have sent an actual, more tactful human emissary, but insurance costs have been killing us, and frankly, we’re still trying to determine if you’re worth it.
So, in short, carry on. We’ll let you know if we need anything.
With Somewhat Qualified Regards,
John Huntsman
...From Texas Congressman, Ron Paul:
I have been sending you mental messages for decades, DECADES, and now, FINALLY, you are acknowledging me? Because of a handwritten note stuffed into a something that looks like an RC toy from RadioShack?
Unbelievable.
When you decide to get serious about taking steps to preserve your personal liberties, you contact me. Understand?
Ron Paul
...From Texas, Governor Rick Perry:
Let’s get something straight, Martians. Starting today you people are going to straighten up and fly right. You’re going to get jobs. You’re going to clean up after yourselves. You’re going to get some self-respect. You’re going to think seriously about accepting Jesus Christ as your savior. You’re all going to sit down and watch The Blind Side and you’re going to learn to play football.
And best part of all, nothing will be required of you except a willingness to work and a signed statement from you granting us unlimited soil testing and drilling rights for every square inch of your planet.
And let me just warn you, if you mess up, we will execute you.
Now, go about your business and wait for further instructions.
God bless you.
Go Aggies!
Rick Perry, Texas A&M ‘72
...From former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney:
Dear Beloved Citizens of Mars:
On this historic occasion, on behalf of all of America and the whole of the planet Earth, I would like to extend my warmest greetings, and express my sincerest promise, that as leader of the free Earth world, I will forever be committed to you, my Martian friends, and to the nurturing, building, and maintaining of a positive, prosperous, and peaceful relationship between the people of Earth, and the residents of Mars.
Unless polls indicate I should do otherwise. At which time my position will be revisited.
Meanwhile, please know that we from Earth will never harm you, never ask anything of you, and look eagerly forward only, to a shared future of greatness, fulfillment, and spiritual reward.
Until then, or at least until I get the results from the most recent focus groups, may your world know nothing but joy, peace, good health, and true happiness, at least for now.
God be with you.
Your friend (for the time being),
Mitt Romney
...From former Pennsylvania Senator, Rick Santorum.
Reading these words? Oh Joy! It means you are a living organism. How pleased we are to learn that humanity has just discovered yet another glorious branch on the wondrous family tree of life. Welcome, Mars friends. You are now part of our family.
Of course, being a member of this family means accepting certain responsibilities...tidy appearance, courteous behavior, ...and obligations. Obligations such as a total dedication to family values, the sanctity of life, and the endless quest to protect the unborn. We trust you’ll join us in this quest. Otherwise we will hunt down every living thing on your planet and destroy it.
Until such time, as always, you’ll be in our prayers.
Rick Santorum
...From former New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner:
Dear People of Mars:
What are you wearing?
Tony
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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