(AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following was written as courtesy for any extraterrestrial explorers who happen to stumble upon our post “Rapture” world. I have tacked a copy to the front door of my house. Please feel free to make copies and distribute as you see fit.)
Dear Alien Discoverer:
Thank you for traveling to our post “Rapture” world. If you are reading this it means that you have discovered the remains of what was once known locally as the planet Earth. Please forgive the mess.
You may have noticed that currently there are no intelligent life forms available here to greet you personally. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. I’m sure you have travelled great distances and don’t have a lot of time, so please feel free to defecate wherever you want until you figure out the plumbing.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, our entire race of beings was wiped out by a Supreme Being (Most of us called him “God”. Some of us referred to his as Larry) who for some reason or another, was not happy with us. Sadly, this occurred before most of us ever had the chance to have a threesome, own an affordable house, or learn the outcome of the final season of “American Idol”. This also occurred before our scientific community had a chance to divert it’s attention from the battle against the scourge of erectile dysfunction, to fully developing affordable post-apocalyptic cyborg robot caretaker thingies to give you a tour, show you where the alcohol is, and bring you up to speed as to what happened here. Likewise, nobody had the where-with-all (never mind manners) to arrange tidying up after ourselves, so by the time you find this message, things may have become a little unkempt. Please don’t judge us. Not all of us wanted to be on “Hoarders”. OMG! LOL LMFAO :) (That’s just a little bit of snarky Earth humor. Trust us, you’ll think it’s funny later.)
This also means there are no surviving “leaders” for us to take you to, which, believe us, is just as well. They really weren’t that useful to begin with.
Going out on a limb here, we are guessing that you journeyed here in your spacecraft in the name of science and not because you are Martian retards or are lost. So to save you some time and give you a little direction, we’ve prepared a simple outline for you to follow, along with a few practical tips including some simple “dos” and “don’ts” that will help you navigate our planet and speed you on your way to a more fulfilling and meaningful earth bound experience.
First bit of advice: Don’t lick anything. Assuming you have tongues, we cannot emphasize this enough.
Never eat anything that you have dropped on the floor, unless you pick it up within 10 seconds. This is a major rule of survival.
Never look at, or run your hand under, a lunch counter, cafeteria table, or elementary school desk.
Next, when deciding where to establish your settlements, be certain to avoid any place named Chernobyl, Fukushima, or Camden, New Jersey. You may also want to avoid the West Bank, Gaza, and certain parts of Utah. It will only lead to trouble.
If you somehow end up in a place called Mexico, do not drink the water, do not invest in manufacturing and do not publish any drug cartel newspaper exposés.
Make sure you have a long form copy of your birth certificate with you at all times.
Avoid any lifeforms that have six or more legs, that leave a mucus trail, talk incessantly about taxes, or who try to sell you a “previously owned” vehicle.
Avoid any life form named “Madoff”, “Spitzer”, “Schwarzenegger”, “Gingrich” or “Snookie”.
Never take a nap at an interstate highway rest stop.
DO NOT get a mortgage from GMAC.
Help yourself to the Moon. We found it useless but you’re welcome to it. Keep the flag.
Know that eventually you will find your way into our digital communication system known as “The Internet”. This will be an important discovery. Once you do this you will have found the key that will unlock a huge treasure trove of Earthly knowledge and wisdom. You will also have found where we keep our best porn. Click on anything that says “Bree Olson”.
Seek out the wisdom of our greatest thinkers. Start with Aristotle, Plato, Confucius, Voltaire. Turn left at Lenin, Mao, and Alfred E. Newman and work your way up to Andy Borowitz, Tina Fey, and George Carlin.
Know that our society erected many, literally hundreds of thousands, of statues, temples and shrines to it’s greatest social, political, and religious leaders. More importantly, know that someone named Ronald McDonald was not one of them.
Don’t waste precious time contemplating Alchemy, Witchcraft, the Chicago Cubs, Al Sharpton, the Kardashians, Donald Trump, or Sarah Palin. We did. Look where it got us.
Try to get to Las Vegas at least once...just to see it. (wink-wink-nudge-nudge)
Always wear protection.
Don’t sign anything.
Don’t leave anything in plain sight in an unlocked vehicle.
If you get bored, take a look through the video archives of Fox News. Un-fucking-believable!
If you run short of your own food, seek out something called a Twinkie and or a Slim-Jim. Totally safe.
If you don’t have the time or the intellect to do a lot of reading, check out something called “USA Today”
Don’t try to figure out what the deal was with all of us born after 1985 being covered with tattoos. You had to be there.
Forgive us for all the leftover methane. We tended to fart a lot.
Feel free to kill a whale.
Disregard any irrational xenophobic hate filled literature you might find referring to “illegal aliens”. They were not talking about you. But just to be on the safe side, while here you may want to change your name from Imperial Star Trooper Grexħyrȡchykɛch to something less ethnic. Deshon Eduardo Johnson, perhaps, ...maybe Boutros Boutros-Ghali, or simply “Prince”. And you may want to get some khakis.
And if you’ve got time while you’re poking around, here are a few quick points of interest you should see, just to get a sense of who we were:
-The Taj Mahal
-Graceland
-The Hoover Dam
-a place called “DisneyWorld”
-The Louvre Museum
-Hooters
-The Pyramids
-Niagra Falls
-The Wailing Wall
-The Great Wall of China
-Tiananmen Square
-The Statue of Liberty (research this one heavily)
-The Playboy Mansion (research this one even more heavily)
-Fenway Park
-Serengeti National Park
-Kenya
-Gettysburg
-Auschwitz
-The Amazon River
-Katz’s Delicatessen (corner of E. Houston and Ludlow...try the corned beef)
-Dealey Plaza
-Haight-Ashbury
-The Colosseum
-Hiroshima
-any Victoria’s Secret
-And finally, before returning to your home planet, be sure to visit our gift shop, otherwise known as South of the Border on I-95, Dillon, South Carolina (Pick up a bumper sticker! Be the first in your quadrant!).
Again, thank you for stopping by. We hope you have learned something that will be useful to your weirdo alien culture, like the importance of avoiding organized religion. In your future travels please speak well of us, and let everyone out there know that we gave it a shot, it got a little confused, but hey, when cousins marry, things happen. Also, encourage everyone to help themselves to the Twinkies.
If you could pick up a little on your way out, that would be nice too.
Best wishes,
Your extinct neighbors,
Man.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
Dear Alien Discoverer:
Thank you for traveling to our post “Rapture” world. If you are reading this it means that you have discovered the remains of what was once known locally as the planet Earth. Please forgive the mess.
You may have noticed that currently there are no intelligent life forms available here to greet you personally. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. I’m sure you have travelled great distances and don’t have a lot of time, so please feel free to defecate wherever you want until you figure out the plumbing.
Due to circumstances beyond our control, our entire race of beings was wiped out by a Supreme Being (Most of us called him “God”. Some of us referred to his as Larry) who for some reason or another, was not happy with us. Sadly, this occurred before most of us ever had the chance to have a threesome, own an affordable house, or learn the outcome of the final season of “American Idol”. This also occurred before our scientific community had a chance to divert it’s attention from the battle against the scourge of erectile dysfunction, to fully developing affordable post-apocalyptic cyborg robot caretaker thingies to give you a tour, show you where the alcohol is, and bring you up to speed as to what happened here. Likewise, nobody had the where-with-all (never mind manners) to arrange tidying up after ourselves, so by the time you find this message, things may have become a little unkempt. Please don’t judge us. Not all of us wanted to be on “Hoarders”. OMG! LOL LMFAO :) (That’s just a little bit of snarky Earth humor. Trust us, you’ll think it’s funny later.)
This also means there are no surviving “leaders” for us to take you to, which, believe us, is just as well. They really weren’t that useful to begin with.
Going out on a limb here, we are guessing that you journeyed here in your spacecraft in the name of science and not because you are Martian retards or are lost. So to save you some time and give you a little direction, we’ve prepared a simple outline for you to follow, along with a few practical tips including some simple “dos” and “don’ts” that will help you navigate our planet and speed you on your way to a more fulfilling and meaningful earth bound experience.
First bit of advice: Don’t lick anything. Assuming you have tongues, we cannot emphasize this enough.
Never eat anything that you have dropped on the floor, unless you pick it up within 10 seconds. This is a major rule of survival.
Never look at, or run your hand under, a lunch counter, cafeteria table, or elementary school desk.
Next, when deciding where to establish your settlements, be certain to avoid any place named Chernobyl, Fukushima, or Camden, New Jersey. You may also want to avoid the West Bank, Gaza, and certain parts of Utah. It will only lead to trouble.
If you somehow end up in a place called Mexico, do not drink the water, do not invest in manufacturing and do not publish any drug cartel newspaper exposés.
Make sure you have a long form copy of your birth certificate with you at all times.
Avoid any lifeforms that have six or more legs, that leave a mucus trail, talk incessantly about taxes, or who try to sell you a “previously owned” vehicle.
Avoid any life form named “Madoff”, “Spitzer”, “Schwarzenegger”, “Gingrich” or “Snookie”.
Never take a nap at an interstate highway rest stop.
DO NOT get a mortgage from GMAC.
Help yourself to the Moon. We found it useless but you’re welcome to it. Keep the flag.
Know that eventually you will find your way into our digital communication system known as “The Internet”. This will be an important discovery. Once you do this you will have found the key that will unlock a huge treasure trove of Earthly knowledge and wisdom. You will also have found where we keep our best porn. Click on anything that says “Bree Olson”.
Seek out the wisdom of our greatest thinkers. Start with Aristotle, Plato, Confucius, Voltaire. Turn left at Lenin, Mao, and Alfred E. Newman and work your way up to Andy Borowitz, Tina Fey, and George Carlin.
Know that our society erected many, literally hundreds of thousands, of statues, temples and shrines to it’s greatest social, political, and religious leaders. More importantly, know that someone named Ronald McDonald was not one of them.
Don’t waste precious time contemplating Alchemy, Witchcraft, the Chicago Cubs, Al Sharpton, the Kardashians, Donald Trump, or Sarah Palin. We did. Look where it got us.
Try to get to Las Vegas at least once...just to see it. (wink-wink-nudge-nudge)
Always wear protection.
Don’t sign anything.
Don’t leave anything in plain sight in an unlocked vehicle.
If you get bored, take a look through the video archives of Fox News. Un-fucking-believable!
If you run short of your own food, seek out something called a Twinkie and or a Slim-Jim. Totally safe.
If you don’t have the time or the intellect to do a lot of reading, check out something called “USA Today”
Don’t try to figure out what the deal was with all of us born after 1985 being covered with tattoos. You had to be there.
Forgive us for all the leftover methane. We tended to fart a lot.
Feel free to kill a whale.
Disregard any irrational xenophobic hate filled literature you might find referring to “illegal aliens”. They were not talking about you. But just to be on the safe side, while here you may want to change your name from Imperial Star Trooper Grexħyrȡchykɛch to something less ethnic. Deshon Eduardo Johnson, perhaps, ...maybe Boutros Boutros-Ghali, or simply “Prince”. And you may want to get some khakis.
And if you’ve got time while you’re poking around, here are a few quick points of interest you should see, just to get a sense of who we were:
-The Taj Mahal
-Graceland
-The Hoover Dam
-a place called “DisneyWorld”
-The Louvre Museum
-Hooters
-The Pyramids
-Niagra Falls
-The Wailing Wall
-The Great Wall of China
-Tiananmen Square
-The Statue of Liberty (research this one heavily)
-The Playboy Mansion (research this one even more heavily)
-Fenway Park
-Serengeti National Park
-Kenya
-Gettysburg
-Auschwitz
-The Amazon River
-Katz’s Delicatessen (corner of E. Houston and Ludlow...try the corned beef)
-Dealey Plaza
-Haight-Ashbury
-The Colosseum
-Hiroshima
-any Victoria’s Secret
-And finally, before returning to your home planet, be sure to visit our gift shop, otherwise known as South of the Border on I-95, Dillon, South Carolina (Pick up a bumper sticker! Be the first in your quadrant!).
Again, thank you for stopping by. We hope you have learned something that will be useful to your weirdo alien culture, like the importance of avoiding organized religion. In your future travels please speak well of us, and let everyone out there know that we gave it a shot, it got a little confused, but hey, when cousins marry, things happen. Also, encourage everyone to help themselves to the Twinkies.
If you could pick up a little on your way out, that would be nice too.
Best wishes,
Your extinct neighbors,
Man.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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