Pro-Life activists today issued an angry statement condemning First Lady Michelle Obama for her recent involvement in an aborted landing this past Monday at Andrews Air Force base just outside Washington, DC.
“Abortion under any circumstances is unacceptable and we will not tolerate it. This is just another blatant example of the self-serving God-less policies of Barack Obama and his henchwomen cronies.” said Prissy Dryclam, a spokesperson for the anti-abortion Right-to-Life organization, Just Have It. “It’s illegal, it’s unnatural, and it’s immoral. If God wants those aircraft to crash and burn, killing untold numbers of innocent victims, then that is HIS decision, not the First Lady’s or any of her meddling minions.” Dryclam then called on Just Have It supporters to contact elected officials in their home districts and demand creation of a constitutional amendment banning aborted landings, and ending all funding of any government agency that facilitates aborted landings, including the Federal Aviation Agency and National Public Radio.
In a related development, as many as seven highly agitated anti-abortion protestors appeared outside the gates of the White House this morning to voice their disapproval of the First Lady’s actions. Carrying signs featuring slogans like “It’s Not A Choice, It’s An Air Disaster!” and “Happy Landings, Mrs. HITLER!”, the protestors chanted slogans and passed out leaflets featuring full color graphic photographs of jumbo jet airliners that had safely landed after FAA sanctioned air traffic controllers had aborted high risk landings. Said one emotional protestor, “These shocking images are disturbing and difficult to look at, it’s true, but unfortunately we must all face them. ...Who wants to stare at a wholly intact unblemished 737 sitting at a gate? Who wouldn’t rather see a twisted pile of aircraft steel and jet fuel drenched burning body parts? ...But the American public needs to see for themselves that, thanks to the Satanic cabal known as the United States Supreme Court, safe landings like these, paid for with your tax dollars, occur thousands and thousands of times every day!”
One demonstrator, wearing a full size sandwich board featuring front and back full color pictures of an aborted human fetus was asked what the exact point of his imagery was. “Actually, I got my protest locations mixed up.” he explained. “I’m supposed to be across town if front of Planned Parenthood today, so technically it doesn’t really pertain. But to be honest, I just get such a kick out of wearing this thing, ...it’s a real icebreaker for meeting new chicks in the movement. So I figured, ahhh what the hell.”
Not to be outdone, celebrated abstinence expert Bristol Palin issued a statement urging all “God fearing” American air travelers to follow her example and avoid the selfish temptations of vaginal sex and safely completed air travel by avoiding it at every opportunity. “...But now that the liberty crushing Obama safety commissars are inflicting their oppressive campaign against air traffic controllers who are trying to exercise their constitutionally protected right to sleep on the job, that is getting even more difficult. And using a federally funded abort maneuver just just to avoid vaporizing a plane load of innocent people is just ‘plane’ selfish!” she quipped during a recent Fox News appearance. “I recommend that instead, travelers utilize poorly regulated foreign carriers, Southwest Airlines, or better still, employ my favorite travel option, dogsledding.”
The controversy is continuing to build as advocates from both sides of the issue continue to press their causes with increasingly heated rhetoric. “At this point, it can only get uglier.” stated noted Harvard ethics Professor Lyman Likearug. “Right now everything is being argued in generalized broad strokes. Just wait until everybody starts addressing the deeper question of “When... When.... When does flight, actually begin?”
And finally, in that regard, The Vatican too, has weighed in on the argument. In a brief statement released today through it’s official Facebook page, interim Vatican Press Secretary, the Reverend Cardinal Umberto Francis Strokenoff, issued the following statement; “In keeping with established canonical law, the Holy Father, as well as all of us here at headquarters, urge all Catholics to remember that in the eyes of God, actual flight begins not just at the moment when wheels leave the ground, but at the moment of credit card ticket purchase authorization, and so therefore any artificial means used to disrupt the completion of a flight, cancellations, bumpings, condoms, mutual masturbation, impure thoughts, swearing, and especially, aborted landings, shall be considered no less than a complete and total mortal sin, punishable by eternal damnation and a shitload of shame.
Cardinal Strokenhoff then encouraged all Catholics world wide (“Even the Chinese ones”) to engage in an elevated extended debate on the topic, in hopes that a healthy long term exhausting debate of the subject would be informative, invigorating, inspirational and would take the minds of the faithful off... “certain other things”, about which he declined to elaborate.
The White House has yet to issue any official statements regarding the issue.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
“Abortion under any circumstances is unacceptable and we will not tolerate it. This is just another blatant example of the self-serving God-less policies of Barack Obama and his henchwomen cronies.” said Prissy Dryclam, a spokesperson for the anti-abortion Right-to-Life organization, Just Have It. “It’s illegal, it’s unnatural, and it’s immoral. If God wants those aircraft to crash and burn, killing untold numbers of innocent victims, then that is HIS decision, not the First Lady’s or any of her meddling minions.” Dryclam then called on Just Have It supporters to contact elected officials in their home districts and demand creation of a constitutional amendment banning aborted landings, and ending all funding of any government agency that facilitates aborted landings, including the Federal Aviation Agency and National Public Radio.
In a related development, as many as seven highly agitated anti-abortion protestors appeared outside the gates of the White House this morning to voice their disapproval of the First Lady’s actions. Carrying signs featuring slogans like “It’s Not A Choice, It’s An Air Disaster!” and “Happy Landings, Mrs. HITLER!”, the protestors chanted slogans and passed out leaflets featuring full color graphic photographs of jumbo jet airliners that had safely landed after FAA sanctioned air traffic controllers had aborted high risk landings. Said one emotional protestor, “These shocking images are disturbing and difficult to look at, it’s true, but unfortunately we must all face them. ...Who wants to stare at a wholly intact unblemished 737 sitting at a gate? Who wouldn’t rather see a twisted pile of aircraft steel and jet fuel drenched burning body parts? ...But the American public needs to see for themselves that, thanks to the Satanic cabal known as the United States Supreme Court, safe landings like these, paid for with your tax dollars, occur thousands and thousands of times every day!”
One demonstrator, wearing a full size sandwich board featuring front and back full color pictures of an aborted human fetus was asked what the exact point of his imagery was. “Actually, I got my protest locations mixed up.” he explained. “I’m supposed to be across town if front of Planned Parenthood today, so technically it doesn’t really pertain. But to be honest, I just get such a kick out of wearing this thing, ...it’s a real icebreaker for meeting new chicks in the movement. So I figured, ahhh what the hell.”
Not to be outdone, celebrated abstinence expert Bristol Palin issued a statement urging all “God fearing” American air travelers to follow her example and avoid the selfish temptations of vaginal sex and safely completed air travel by avoiding it at every opportunity. “...But now that the liberty crushing Obama safety commissars are inflicting their oppressive campaign against air traffic controllers who are trying to exercise their constitutionally protected right to sleep on the job, that is getting even more difficult. And using a federally funded abort maneuver just just to avoid vaporizing a plane load of innocent people is just ‘plane’ selfish!” she quipped during a recent Fox News appearance. “I recommend that instead, travelers utilize poorly regulated foreign carriers, Southwest Airlines, or better still, employ my favorite travel option, dogsledding.”
The controversy is continuing to build as advocates from both sides of the issue continue to press their causes with increasingly heated rhetoric. “At this point, it can only get uglier.” stated noted Harvard ethics Professor Lyman Likearug. “Right now everything is being argued in generalized broad strokes. Just wait until everybody starts addressing the deeper question of “When... When.... When does flight, actually begin?”
And finally, in that regard, The Vatican too, has weighed in on the argument. In a brief statement released today through it’s official Facebook page, interim Vatican Press Secretary, the Reverend Cardinal Umberto Francis Strokenoff, issued the following statement; “In keeping with established canonical law, the Holy Father, as well as all of us here at headquarters, urge all Catholics to remember that in the eyes of God, actual flight begins not just at the moment when wheels leave the ground, but at the moment of credit card ticket purchase authorization, and so therefore any artificial means used to disrupt the completion of a flight, cancellations, bumpings, condoms, mutual masturbation, impure thoughts, swearing, and especially, aborted landings, shall be considered no less than a complete and total mortal sin, punishable by eternal damnation and a shitload of shame.
Cardinal Strokenhoff then encouraged all Catholics world wide (“Even the Chinese ones”) to engage in an elevated extended debate on the topic, in hopes that a healthy long term exhausting debate of the subject would be informative, invigorating, inspirational and would take the minds of the faithful off... “certain other things”, about which he declined to elaborate.
The White House has yet to issue any official statements regarding the issue.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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