NEWS ALERT:
The International Association of al-Qaida Recruiters, today named The Quran burning Florida pastor, the Rev. Terry Jones, as it’s 2011 Man of the Year. Rev. Jones, a pastor at Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, two weeks ago publicly burned a copy of the Quran, considered as the most sacred of texts by members of the Nation of Islam. The announcement marks the first time since 2001 that a single individual has been awarded the title, and only the second time that a single individual has even been considered. (In 2008, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was briefly considered, until it was pointed out to the nominating committee that Palin did not have a penis.) All other awards since 2011 have gone to The Great Satan.
Jones’ act of burning the Quran has resulted in an escalating wave of outraged protests and violence throughout the Middle East, and has already been blamed for at least 20 deaths. On Friday, an angry crowd stormed a U.N. compound in Mazar-i-Sharif in northern Afganistan, leaving 4 protestors and seven U.N. employees dead. Reaction to the burning, considered by Muslims as an absolute act of sacrilege, is expected to continue and intensify as news of the desecration spreads throughout the Muslim world.
However, at al-Qaida headquarters, the always cheerful senior officials are typically upbeat and anxious to seize upon the situation’s silver lining. Though still condemning the blasphemy, one highly placed al-Qaida recruiting strategist quipped “In just one week, we’ve met our recruitment quota for the next 18 months. This guy is a goldmine!” Said another, “Who needs Facebook? Who needs Abu Ghraib? We’ve got Terry Jones!”
As is their custom, the al-Qaida organization has awarded the honoree an extra large gift platter from Edible Arrangements and two $50 dollar gift cards from The Olive Garden. In addition he has been provided one-way air fare to Kabul for the induction ceremony, where he will be invited to sign his name and put his hand prints in hommus before enjoying a private dinner where he will be roasted (comedically) by this year’s roster of all-star martyrs. Afterwards he will be invited to participate in the recording of a special video message to his family and fellow church members.
For their part, elders at The Dove World Outreach Center have displayed a markedly low-key reaction to the award. Wayne Sapp, a fellow pastor at the church, called the events "tragic," but said he did not regret the actions of his church. “Hey, it got me on TV” he said. The incendiary Rev. Jones blamed the protestors for the deaths, and was even more dismissive regarding the negative press reports accusing him of reckless behavior. “I don’t see in history where burning books has ever led to anything bad.” he said, before clicking his heels and goose stepping away from reporters.
As of this writing, Rev. Jones has not indicated whether he will be accept the invitation to travel to Afghanistan. However, in a related development, more than 13,000,000 private citizens and organizations have so far offered monetary and logistical assistance to The Dove World Outreach Center to make that happen. Said one disabled veteran of the war in Afghanistan, “I’ll fly him there myself. Nothing would make me happier.”
Finally, a spokesperson for rival nutbag congregation The Westboro Baptist Church, has denied reports speculating that the Westboro organization has made generous financial offers to Rev. Jones to come and join their ministry. “No way” said the source, “He's got game, but that dude is nuts!”
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
The International Association of al-Qaida Recruiters, today named The Quran burning Florida pastor, the Rev. Terry Jones, as it’s 2011 Man of the Year. Rev. Jones, a pastor at Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida, two weeks ago publicly burned a copy of the Quran, considered as the most sacred of texts by members of the Nation of Islam. The announcement marks the first time since 2001 that a single individual has been awarded the title, and only the second time that a single individual has even been considered. (In 2008, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was briefly considered, until it was pointed out to the nominating committee that Palin did not have a penis.) All other awards since 2011 have gone to The Great Satan.
Jones’ act of burning the Quran has resulted in an escalating wave of outraged protests and violence throughout the Middle East, and has already been blamed for at least 20 deaths. On Friday, an angry crowd stormed a U.N. compound in Mazar-i-Sharif in northern Afganistan, leaving 4 protestors and seven U.N. employees dead. Reaction to the burning, considered by Muslims as an absolute act of sacrilege, is expected to continue and intensify as news of the desecration spreads throughout the Muslim world.
However, at al-Qaida headquarters, the always cheerful senior officials are typically upbeat and anxious to seize upon the situation’s silver lining. Though still condemning the blasphemy, one highly placed al-Qaida recruiting strategist quipped “In just one week, we’ve met our recruitment quota for the next 18 months. This guy is a goldmine!” Said another, “Who needs Facebook? Who needs Abu Ghraib? We’ve got Terry Jones!”
As is their custom, the al-Qaida organization has awarded the honoree an extra large gift platter from Edible Arrangements and two $50 dollar gift cards from The Olive Garden. In addition he has been provided one-way air fare to Kabul for the induction ceremony, where he will be invited to sign his name and put his hand prints in hommus before enjoying a private dinner where he will be roasted (comedically) by this year’s roster of all-star martyrs. Afterwards he will be invited to participate in the recording of a special video message to his family and fellow church members.
For their part, elders at The Dove World Outreach Center have displayed a markedly low-key reaction to the award. Wayne Sapp, a fellow pastor at the church, called the events "tragic," but said he did not regret the actions of his church. “Hey, it got me on TV” he said. The incendiary Rev. Jones blamed the protestors for the deaths, and was even more dismissive regarding the negative press reports accusing him of reckless behavior. “I don’t see in history where burning books has ever led to anything bad.” he said, before clicking his heels and goose stepping away from reporters.
As of this writing, Rev. Jones has not indicated whether he will be accept the invitation to travel to Afghanistan. However, in a related development, more than 13,000,000 private citizens and organizations have so far offered monetary and logistical assistance to The Dove World Outreach Center to make that happen. Said one disabled veteran of the war in Afghanistan, “I’ll fly him there myself. Nothing would make me happier.”
Finally, a spokesperson for rival nutbag congregation The Westboro Baptist Church, has denied reports speculating that the Westboro organization has made generous financial offers to Rev. Jones to come and join their ministry. “No way” said the source, “He's got game, but that dude is nuts!”
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
RSS Feed