A distraught neighbor reacts to the grizzly scene.
According to a disturbing report broadcast on WMUR-TV in Manchester, N.H., a dead, six foot long blue shark was found lying in the woods of Milton, New Hampshire recently, in a remote area not normally travelled by blue sharks. The area where the shark was discovered is at least 45 minutes from the Atlantic ocean. Local authorities so far have no explanation as to how the shark got there, and sources close to the case are describing the circumstances as “suspicious”.
The disturbing discovery has caused concern among human residents all across The Granite State, many of whom have never intentionally encountered a dead shark while walking through the woods. Not surprisingly, with so few details available, a flood of speculative rumors and conspiratorial theories have begun to emerge.
Here is a sampling:
According to state officials, the shark has yet to be identified, and to date no one has come forward to claim the remains. The New Hampshire Bar Association has yet to comment on unconfirmed reports that it has offered to underwrite any burial costs “...as a professional courtesy”.
Authorities are continuing their investigation.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
The disturbing discovery has caused concern among human residents all across The Granite State, many of whom have never intentionally encountered a dead shark while walking through the woods. Not surprisingly, with so few details available, a flood of speculative rumors and conspiratorial theories have begun to emerge.
Here is a sampling:
- THEORY #1: The shark was an illegal immigrant shark that died accidentally after stowing away in the trunk of a Canadian owned Prius. Supporters of this theory are quick to point out that liberals drive Prius', and that incidents like this prove yet again that America’s sovereign borders have become porous, and need to be sealed shut against the rising tide of job stealing welfare abusing illegal immigrant sea animals.
- THEORY #2: The shark, who did not die accidentally but was assassinated, was a mid-level soldier in a suburban New Jersey crime family who had gone into hiding in rural New Hampshire after being caught in a compromising indiscretion with another man-eater in an underground Manhattan nightclub. In New Hampshire the disgraced fish had been recently seen browsing through antique stores, attending crafts fairs, and spending large amounts of time in a popular local breakfast diner eating Johnny-Cakes, and occasionally, Johnny. Flinty New Hampshire natives who support this theory urgently point out that while in general they support a shark’s right to pursue it’s own form of happiness, they also adamantly believe that blue sharks should not be allowed to marry.
- THEORY #3: The shark was murdered by outlaw bikers when he accidentally stumbled upon their meth lab while mountain biking through the woods with his chocolate lab, Barney.
- THEORY #4: Every New Hampshire residents worst nightmare, the elderly shark was left to die in the woods after it’s case was reviewed by an OBama-Care empowered death panel, made up principally of Democrats and godless harbor seals.
- THEORY #5: It was a hunting accident.
- THEORY #6: The shark was murdered by the ex-husband of the plaintiff in a particularly contentious divorce case that the shark was handling. The embittered ex never forgave the shark for costing him his Lexus.
- THEORY #7: He fell while zip-lining.
- THEORY #8: In the course of doing advance work for a high profile Republican presidential candidate, the shark became romantically involved with a beautiful campaign volunteer whom he discovered was not only married, but a Democrat. Brokenhearted, he ate her. Later, while hiking through the woods to walk off his meal, he was hit by a Canadian owned ATV and killed.
- THEORY #9: While attending a weekend New Age self-improvement retreat, the shark fell ill and died during a sensitivity/cleansing session being held in an overheated sweat lodge. Panicked organizers are alleged to have then removed the shark’s remains to a remote wooded location, where they placed it trailside, along with an empty bottle of pills and a suicide note. A forensic autopsy of the shark’s stomach revealed no pills, but did produce a Louisiana license plate and several pieces of that little Kintner boy.
- THEORY #10: The shark was not a shark, but was actually a tragic New England example of what can happen when cousins marry. The cause of death was food poisoning brought on after an unfortunate encounter with carelessly discarded egg salad sandwich.
According to state officials, the shark has yet to be identified, and to date no one has come forward to claim the remains. The New Hampshire Bar Association has yet to comment on unconfirmed reports that it has offered to underwrite any burial costs “...as a professional courtesy”.
Authorities are continuing their investigation.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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