What if Jesus had used Twitter?
Well for one thing, he probably would have spent a lot less time on Facebook.
For another thing, he likely would’ve had even more followers. Which is saying a lot.
And his tweets might have gone something like this...
--Check out my awesome sermon. Total awesomeness. Today. Noon. The Mount!
--40 day fast was BRUTAL. No water..lot’s of sand...The Devil. That bastard brought donuts.
--Two free tix, Sermon-The Mount, front row center, to the first person who can name the dude I brought back from the dead! (OH YEAH I DID!)
--Water...wine...water...wine... Does nobody drink Scotch in this frickin town?
--Score two, for Simon the Zealot, who correctly answered "Lazarus". Pick em up at the gate, bro.
--OMG! Flashmob nightmare in Cana! ...And who booked this caterer? Outta fish, outta bread, Jesus H. Me! Puhleeze don’t make me do a miracle.
--It's like, to bridesmaids I’m invisible. This is what I get for bringing a date who is my Mom.
--Render unto Ceasar, blah, blah, blah. ...There. Okay? I said it.
--Just an expression, people. Context! Context!
--Thursday 6pm. Local help please! Nazareth. Need a bistro that can take moi + 12. Neat. Discreet. bitchin wine list a must!
--...and for dessert I got to wash twelve guy’s feet. No wonder I can’t get girls.
--Anybody sees Judas, take his keys. He is in no shape to drive.
--Evening ends badly. Iscariot shows up wasted, tries to make out. Cops bust ME!
--Pontius Pilate? How about Pontius Douche Bag?
--I don’t know why they call this Good Friday. So far it has sucked.
--Hello? Flogger dude! Did we not agree on a safe word?
--Friday, 1pm. Folks are spitting. Might have underestimated some of the anger level here.
--1st impressions re: the whole “crucifix” thing. Nice design, but as son of a carpenter, I’d have gone with the oak.
--Snag number 2, assembling the cross. “You make it!” “No, you make it” I can tell this isn’t going to end well.
--These freakin things weigh a ton. Need a donkey.
--Can’t get donkeys to stop. ...It’s cuz I’m black, isn’t it?
--Total props to Simon of Cyrene...good dude! (How much do you tip a guy for carrying your cross?)
--Yo Veronica...thanks for the wipe, babe! Send me the cleaning bill!
--Thorny crown, edgy look. ...Might be a little too butch.
--Tuff venue!
--Getting a lot of major ‘tude here. No way this burg is messiah friendly.
--Show time. Looks like the rest of the day I’ll be one handing it. (At least I'm getting top billing)
--Ugh! Fell for the old “vinegar sponge” trick.
--Man, this is endless.
--Duh, ...Barabbas! ...WINNING!
--Gonna wrap it up now. ...But I’ll be back for the retweets!
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
Well for one thing, he probably would have spent a lot less time on Facebook.
For another thing, he likely would’ve had even more followers. Which is saying a lot.
And his tweets might have gone something like this...
--Check out my awesome sermon. Total awesomeness. Today. Noon. The Mount!
--40 day fast was BRUTAL. No water..lot’s of sand...The Devil. That bastard brought donuts.
--Two free tix, Sermon-The Mount, front row center, to the first person who can name the dude I brought back from the dead! (OH YEAH I DID!)
--Water...wine...water...wine... Does nobody drink Scotch in this frickin town?
--Score two, for Simon the Zealot, who correctly answered "Lazarus". Pick em up at the gate, bro.
--OMG! Flashmob nightmare in Cana! ...And who booked this caterer? Outta fish, outta bread, Jesus H. Me! Puhleeze don’t make me do a miracle.
--It's like, to bridesmaids I’m invisible. This is what I get for bringing a date who is my Mom.
--Render unto Ceasar, blah, blah, blah. ...There. Okay? I said it.
--Just an expression, people. Context! Context!
--Thursday 6pm. Local help please! Nazareth. Need a bistro that can take moi + 12. Neat. Discreet. bitchin wine list a must!
--...and for dessert I got to wash twelve guy’s feet. No wonder I can’t get girls.
--Anybody sees Judas, take his keys. He is in no shape to drive.
--Evening ends badly. Iscariot shows up wasted, tries to make out. Cops bust ME!
--Pontius Pilate? How about Pontius Douche Bag?
--I don’t know why they call this Good Friday. So far it has sucked.
--Hello? Flogger dude! Did we not agree on a safe word?
--Friday, 1pm. Folks are spitting. Might have underestimated some of the anger level here.
--1st impressions re: the whole “crucifix” thing. Nice design, but as son of a carpenter, I’d have gone with the oak.
--Snag number 2, assembling the cross. “You make it!” “No, you make it” I can tell this isn’t going to end well.
--These freakin things weigh a ton. Need a donkey.
--Can’t get donkeys to stop. ...It’s cuz I’m black, isn’t it?
--Total props to Simon of Cyrene...good dude! (How much do you tip a guy for carrying your cross?)
--Yo Veronica...thanks for the wipe, babe! Send me the cleaning bill!
--Thorny crown, edgy look. ...Might be a little too butch.
--Tuff venue!
--Getting a lot of major ‘tude here. No way this burg is messiah friendly.
--Show time. Looks like the rest of the day I’ll be one handing it. (At least I'm getting top billing)
--Ugh! Fell for the old “vinegar sponge” trick.
--Man, this is endless.
--Duh, ...Barabbas! ...WINNING!
--Gonna wrap it up now. ...But I’ll be back for the retweets!
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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