A funny thing happened to me on my way to the glue factory. Just when I thought my opinions mattered least, just when I thought nobody would ever care what I thought, an extraordinarily HUGE number of business associates suddenly found value in my opinions.
Okay, the actual number was three.
To be clear, this sudden uptick in valuations was not an epiphany. It wasn’t as if a curtain had been pulled back revealing intellectual brilliance that had somehow been overlooked for 40 years. It was because these business associates were looking for new jobs and I possessed a particular tool to help them get them one. 40 years of sweat equity translated into a professional endorsement.
Or to put it more simply; They all wanted a job reference from an old guy.
So now you’re wondering, “Why would they want an endorsement from some old dude with a balding pate and a chin waddle like Bill O’Reilly?”
Well, the answer is: Because they, and all their contemporaries, hope such an endorsement will be like getting a nod from Dad. A warm human touch to spruce up a cold dry job application. A fatherly, familial, world-wisened kudo, which is something they can’t possibly get from their millennial peers, most of whom can barely read, let alone string together a sentence. Or for that matter something they can’t get from their “Team Leader” managers, who these days, on average, are barely 18-months older and living at home with their parents.
Well, big mistake, you naive little millennial brats. Speaking for old guys everywhere I can tell you you’ve come to the wrong place and you’ve way underestimated our growing geezer ire. Just because we resemble your dad doesn’t mean we ARE your dad. Screw him. We don’t want to help you. We want to pay you back…For years of watching as you undercut us at the bargaining table and multi-tasked us out of jobs that once upon a time were enjoyable and honorable and reasonably well paying. You and your freaking apps. You and your freaking man-buns. You and your freaking grasp of computer internet world wide web thingies. Not to mention you know how to use NetFlix, Damn you!.
So in this spirit of discouragement, and because I’m not bitter, I thought I’d share a transcript of the reference comments I provided for my last requester, both to discourage further solicitations from you annoying weasels, and to help you understand that if you do make such a request, something like this is exactly what you’ll get.
For example: In this instance the particular individual referred to above, (a seemingly post pubescent not very qualified business acquaintance), inquired if I might be willing to discreetly provide a work reference to help secure a job with a local company that was in direct competition with the company where we both then worked. The opening was for an Assistant to The Associate Senior Shift Co-Manager On Alternating Tuesdays When It’s Not Raining, or some other bullshit position. It was a cut in pay but the title apparently had sex appeal.
“Why certainly!” I said to the requester. “I’d be happy to!”
Heh, heh, heh…
This statement was true. I was happy to. Cathartically happy. Happy to be brutally dishonest and get a few things off my chest. (My court ordered anger management therapist also thought it might be helpful. ) So when the reference request form appeared in my email box, I saw my payback opportunity, and here is how I responded.
Dear Mr. Rast,
You have been named as a work performance and personal character reference for Mr. Blah B. Blah, who has applied for a position at our company. Your cooperation in this matter would be very helpful, and we appreciate your taking the time. To the best of your ability, please answer the following questions.
1) Q: How long have you known the candidate?
A: It feels like forever. An eternity. A fucking eternity.
2) Q: In general terms, how would you describe the character of the applicant?
A: In general terms, I think he’s an asshole.
3) Q: If you can, please cite five extraordinary accomplishments that you think best set this candidate apart from other motivated applicants.
A: Sure:
1. He has successfully kicked a really bad coke habit, …twice!
2. He stopped dating his step-sister when he found out she was married.
3. He killed a guy in prison. It was visiting day. It was Christmas. It was his father.
4. He once delivered a breech-birth calf on a moving subway car, then shot it. To his credit he did still make it to his parole meeting on time.
5. I once saw him take a dump into an office wastebasket and then successfully convince an unpaid intern to take the blame. That’s chutzpah!
4) Q: The prospective employer in this case is a service based organization that stresses honesty, empathy, and social responsibility. Can you cite any instances where the candidate notably demonstrated social responsibility?
A: Yes. I recall an occasion when Mr. Blah invited myself and 6 or 7 other co-workers out to dinner. Walking to the restaurant we encountered a homeless man holding a small sign that said simply, “Hungry. Please Help.” Mr. Blah reached into his mouth and gave the man an unfinished piece of Wintergreen Altoid. “If you’re going to meet the public, you’ll need fresh breath.” said Mr. Blah. The rest of us were deeply moved. He didn’t have to do that.
5) Q: Can you recall any instances where an action by the candidate was a clear indication of his/her respect for his/her co-workers?
A: Well I’ll always remember the time when Mr. Blah was very disappointed with a subordinate’s performance executing a minor task. So he got up, walked over to his desk, and spat on him. Does that count?
6) Q: In the time that you have known him/her would you say the candidate has well represented your organization?
A: I wouldn’t say the candidate has well represented my organization or any organization. Or for that matter any culture, species, or carbon based life form more developed than a single celled amoeba. And I’m sure amoebas around the world would take exception to that.
On a side note, I would like to commend you for repeatedly using the “him/her” designation. It’s very appropriate in this case as the candidate has a tendency to switch gender identities at the drop of a hat.
7) Q: The prospective employer in this case is a contemporary company that pursues an ethical, aggressive, prestigious, and highly cultivated online presence. Would you say this candidate already has the appropriate values and necessary social media skills to attract and grow a large online audience?
A: That’s a question that can be answered by a quick online search. Type in the candidate’s name followed by the term “water sports”.
8) Q: Maintaining an enjoyable lighthearted workplace is important to this employer. Can you provide a “fun fact” about the candidate that is indicative of the “fun” side of their personality?
A: He keeps a can of Narcan in his desk drawer. And a gun.
9) Q: What is the one quality regarding this candidate that you believe prospective employers should know about?
A: He’s been known to eat puppies in his car.
10) Q: Would you be interested in hearing about future position openings at this company?
A: Not if you hire this lunatic. Who would?
So there you go, hungry young job seekers. Now you know how I hold that ladder you so eagerly want to climb. Feel free to hop on, grab a rung, and put your trust in me.
I’m always happy to help entitled candidates…
…get exactly where they should be.
© 2017 Mark Rast
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