"You! ...Boneless! ...Pick it up!"
Nothing is quite as challenging as navigating those unwritten rules of spectator etiquette that apply to the woe-be-gone parents of soccer players.
As a seasoned soccer parent, (...and by “seasoned”, I mean “embittered”) I thought it might be useful to you to share some of my years of perspective, and describe some of the ground rules of behavior that you, the neophyte soccer parent, are going to need to survive.
First of all, whatever you do, DO NOT volunteer to assistant coach, help organize, instruct, communicate, schedule, transport, pick up, or lend a helping hand doing anything. A lot of well intended newbie soccer parents feel obligated to engage in that kind of nonsense, but it is not necessary, and for the most part it’s an ill-advised total waste of time, unless you get some sort of twisted thrill from publicly making zero difference in some stranger’s kid’s life. Remember, they’re kids but not your kids. Likewise, you’re not their teacher, you’re not their coach, and ultimately you’re not going to make a difference to them. In fact, unless they’re yours they likely have no idea who you are; and if approached by you, will either be terrified of you or determined to forget you the moment the popsicles are gone, ...or both. (My kid is half way through her season and she still has no idea what her coach’s name is. For that matter, neither do I.) Let’s be clear about this: As the parent, you’re not a part of the team. You’re a chauffeur for one of the players. Relax. Know your place, dude. Stay out of the way, and enjoy it.
Another crucial ground rule you’re going to want to abide by is never sit in the wrong place. Here again, to the trained eye it’s easy to differentiate the veteran parents from the rookies. Rookie parents tend to congregate in groups, usually very close to the sidelines somewhere around midfield, while seasoned vets know the best place to sit is in their car, in the parking lot, smoking cigarettes and listening to the radio. This has nothing to do with turf, team allegiance or any particular etiquette regarding end zones or sidelines or home vs. away considerations. It also has nothing (much, anyway) to do with restraining orders, parole violations, or outstanding warrants (Although, depending on the twists and turns of one’s life journey, it may behove one to keep in mind that a lot of soccer parents are cops.) What it really has to do with is avoiding having to make small talk with the other parents. That can be brutal. You don’t want to venture into those waters until at least four games into the season, by which time you’ll have had a chance to gauge your kid’s relative skill level--“Great”, “Good”, “Average”, or “Brings The Whole Fucking Team Down”--and you’ll have had a chance to prepare (if necessary) an explanation. (“Johnny was born without any bones. It’s been a struggle.”)
So now that you’ve garnered enough sympathy to secure a place on the sideline, you’ll probably want a cocktail. This is only natural. But enjoying a sideline libation is yet another area where a slow cautious approach is best advised. To date it is still not commonly acceptable to show up at youth soccer games with a cooler full of Jell-O shots and a beer ball, and incredibly, despite the appallingly dreadful level of play that must be endured, in most communities beer drinking at the 10 a.m. soccer match is pretty much frowned upon. Considering the nationwide epidemic of fatal soccer riots that have been breaking out between 3rd grade soccer clubs, this is understandable. Best advice, bring coffee.
However, this is not to say you shouldn’t plan to stop at the packy on your way home. You’re going to need it. After the kids have gone to bed you’re going to want to have the resources to drink yourself into denial about the fact that thanks to Mr. Boneless out there, no soccer scholarships are in your future, and yes, you’re going to have to come up with $200k of tuition money some other way.
But I digress.
At this point it would be unconscionable not to emphasize that one of your most important roles as a sideline parent is to support and encourage your child as they wander aimlessly around the field of play, staring at airplanes, swatting at bees, and cringing in horror every time a ball comes their way, while contributing absolutely nothing to the team. To that end, make sure that periodically you let out an audible, “Way to go!”, “Good D!” or “Ooooo...Nice try!” But keep in mind that it is also of critical importance that you periodically follow these faux-cheers with the names of other kids on your team. (“Way to go, Shiloh!” “Good D, Brandon!”, “Great Pass, Rowanda!” etc., etc.) Don’t worry if you don’t actually know which player the name belongs to. What matters is that the child’s parents (whoever they are...possibly that latte sucking couple next to you, glaring at your beer ball) ...are under the impression that you are keenly aware of, and cheering for, their kid. This is pure politics, mind you, absolute bullshit, but totally worthwhile. Once you’ve established credibility as a fan of their spawn, no soccer parent will ever overtly criticize you or challenge your right to be there. You could be wearing a toga. You’re good.
However, having firmly established your right to be there, you now have a new, even greater problem: passing the time. I hate to break it to you, but on a a good day, youth league soccer games usually take somewhere between 5 and 17 hours. Rookie parents frequently make the mistake of trying to pass that time by actually watching the game, but research has shown that this is humanly impossible. In one experiment, handcuffed test subjects locked in a cell were forced to watch full length replays of a youth soccer games. They eventually chewed through an eight inch thick section of drywall in order to escape. Furthermore, research indicates that long term recovery rates measure higher among people who have been water boarded. So the reality is you’re going to have to find other means for whiling away the hours.
To that end, legions of soccer parents over the years have used thousands of coping mechanisms to help them pass the time without going insane. Thanks to these mechanisms, many have been able to transcend the horror and go on to lead successful, productive, and honest lives. The rest have become financial planners. Here’s a quick sampling of some of the current favorites and all time classics:
Finally, speaking on behalf of it’s organizers, soccer parents are encouraged to always remember the positive cultural benefits provided by soccer that are so important to providing the tensile strength essential to the fabric of the American way of life, and to keep in mind that as difficult and time consuming as it is to participate in town sponsored youth athletics programs, it is completely voluntary, and that as long as you and your boneless cowardly children are willing to endure the ostracization and lingering shame that will accompany them well into their adulthood, they, and you are free to give up, be quitters, and slink away from America’s needs whenever they are ready.
But don’t worry, comrade. Your kids will fit in somewhere. Maybe there’s a nice hacky-sack team for little Ivan down at the local Occupy Wall Street camp. Go ahead and take a shot.
After all...
...everybody needs a goal.
© 2012 J. Mark Rast
As a seasoned soccer parent, (...and by “seasoned”, I mean “embittered”) I thought it might be useful to you to share some of my years of perspective, and describe some of the ground rules of behavior that you, the neophyte soccer parent, are going to need to survive.
First of all, whatever you do, DO NOT volunteer to assistant coach, help organize, instruct, communicate, schedule, transport, pick up, or lend a helping hand doing anything. A lot of well intended newbie soccer parents feel obligated to engage in that kind of nonsense, but it is not necessary, and for the most part it’s an ill-advised total waste of time, unless you get some sort of twisted thrill from publicly making zero difference in some stranger’s kid’s life. Remember, they’re kids but not your kids. Likewise, you’re not their teacher, you’re not their coach, and ultimately you’re not going to make a difference to them. In fact, unless they’re yours they likely have no idea who you are; and if approached by you, will either be terrified of you or determined to forget you the moment the popsicles are gone, ...or both. (My kid is half way through her season and she still has no idea what her coach’s name is. For that matter, neither do I.) Let’s be clear about this: As the parent, you’re not a part of the team. You’re a chauffeur for one of the players. Relax. Know your place, dude. Stay out of the way, and enjoy it.
Another crucial ground rule you’re going to want to abide by is never sit in the wrong place. Here again, to the trained eye it’s easy to differentiate the veteran parents from the rookies. Rookie parents tend to congregate in groups, usually very close to the sidelines somewhere around midfield, while seasoned vets know the best place to sit is in their car, in the parking lot, smoking cigarettes and listening to the radio. This has nothing to do with turf, team allegiance or any particular etiquette regarding end zones or sidelines or home vs. away considerations. It also has nothing (much, anyway) to do with restraining orders, parole violations, or outstanding warrants (Although, depending on the twists and turns of one’s life journey, it may behove one to keep in mind that a lot of soccer parents are cops.) What it really has to do with is avoiding having to make small talk with the other parents. That can be brutal. You don’t want to venture into those waters until at least four games into the season, by which time you’ll have had a chance to gauge your kid’s relative skill level--“Great”, “Good”, “Average”, or “Brings The Whole Fucking Team Down”--and you’ll have had a chance to prepare (if necessary) an explanation. (“Johnny was born without any bones. It’s been a struggle.”)
So now that you’ve garnered enough sympathy to secure a place on the sideline, you’ll probably want a cocktail. This is only natural. But enjoying a sideline libation is yet another area where a slow cautious approach is best advised. To date it is still not commonly acceptable to show up at youth soccer games with a cooler full of Jell-O shots and a beer ball, and incredibly, despite the appallingly dreadful level of play that must be endured, in most communities beer drinking at the 10 a.m. soccer match is pretty much frowned upon. Considering the nationwide epidemic of fatal soccer riots that have been breaking out between 3rd grade soccer clubs, this is understandable. Best advice, bring coffee.
However, this is not to say you shouldn’t plan to stop at the packy on your way home. You’re going to need it. After the kids have gone to bed you’re going to want to have the resources to drink yourself into denial about the fact that thanks to Mr. Boneless out there, no soccer scholarships are in your future, and yes, you’re going to have to come up with $200k of tuition money some other way.
But I digress.
At this point it would be unconscionable not to emphasize that one of your most important roles as a sideline parent is to support and encourage your child as they wander aimlessly around the field of play, staring at airplanes, swatting at bees, and cringing in horror every time a ball comes their way, while contributing absolutely nothing to the team. To that end, make sure that periodically you let out an audible, “Way to go!”, “Good D!” or “Ooooo...Nice try!” But keep in mind that it is also of critical importance that you periodically follow these faux-cheers with the names of other kids on your team. (“Way to go, Shiloh!” “Good D, Brandon!”, “Great Pass, Rowanda!” etc., etc.) Don’t worry if you don’t actually know which player the name belongs to. What matters is that the child’s parents (whoever they are...possibly that latte sucking couple next to you, glaring at your beer ball) ...are under the impression that you are keenly aware of, and cheering for, their kid. This is pure politics, mind you, absolute bullshit, but totally worthwhile. Once you’ve established credibility as a fan of their spawn, no soccer parent will ever overtly criticize you or challenge your right to be there. You could be wearing a toga. You’re good.
However, having firmly established your right to be there, you now have a new, even greater problem: passing the time. I hate to break it to you, but on a a good day, youth league soccer games usually take somewhere between 5 and 17 hours. Rookie parents frequently make the mistake of trying to pass that time by actually watching the game, but research has shown that this is humanly impossible. In one experiment, handcuffed test subjects locked in a cell were forced to watch full length replays of a youth soccer games. They eventually chewed through an eight inch thick section of drywall in order to escape. Furthermore, research indicates that long term recovery rates measure higher among people who have been water boarded. So the reality is you’re going to have to find other means for whiling away the hours.
To that end, legions of soccer parents over the years have used thousands of coping mechanisms to help them pass the time without going insane. Thanks to these mechanisms, many have been able to transcend the horror and go on to lead successful, productive, and honest lives. The rest have become financial planners. Here’s a quick sampling of some of the current favorites and all time classics:
- Bring a book: Primitive...but effective. No one ever gets faulted for reading a book. These days one of the most popular, at least among the moms, seems to be the contemporary best seller, Fifty Shades Of Grey by E.L. James. It must be quite compelling. Last week I saw a sideline mom who was reading it get hit square in the face with an errant goal shot. She didn’t flinch. She did lightly moan.
- Bring a pet: Dogs. Cats. Baboons. Peregrine Falcons. Entertaining, and a good way to meet MILFs...which is probably not the most commendable of motivations, but hey, you don’t make the rules, and there’s no law that says you have to fantasize about them later when you’re on that romantic getaway weekend with your wife.
- Bring a sibling: This is a terrible idea unless the sibling is old enough to run down to the corner to get you a pack of smokes. (NOTE: Many baboons are trainable.)
- Bring electronics: Best case scenario a 50” plasma and a complete Wii system. Worst case scenario, a personal vibrator. (See item #1 above)
- Bring a date: A real conversation starter. And is there a more perfect way to take that budding relationship to the next level than by using a town youth league soccer game to inform that new someone special that you are already married with children?
- Bring an actor: Expensive but pays big returns. You pay em and they’ll do anything...pretend to be your friend, pretend to be an interested, shout expletives at the opposing team’s coach...typical suburban parent stuff.
- Bring hash brownies: As long as you’re not distributing them to minors, I see no downside to this at all. Even better, bring along your IPod and the sibling to run back down to corner to get you some additional snacks. You’ll need em.
- Organize a cock fight: You’d be surprised at the level of interest. And at the end of the day, you’ve got dinner and probably the name of a good landscaper!
- Bring a bookie: Nothing wrong with a few friendly wagers to fill the hours. Just don’t get too far behind, or the biggest career ending injury will be yours.
- Bring a local politician running for re-election: If you’re goal is to have everybody in town hate you, ...forever..., do this.
- Clean out your garage, bring the debris, and host a yard sale: That’s right hoarder, what better way to multi-task and make a few bucks at the same time? Plus, it’s a subtle cry for help.
- Bring your therapist: This is perfect chance for your “helper” to observe you in the field. After a couple hours of watching you in your natural element, they’ll have a much better idea of where to adjust your meds, and what public safety agencies to notify.
Finally, speaking on behalf of it’s organizers, soccer parents are encouraged to always remember the positive cultural benefits provided by soccer that are so important to providing the tensile strength essential to the fabric of the American way of life, and to keep in mind that as difficult and time consuming as it is to participate in town sponsored youth athletics programs, it is completely voluntary, and that as long as you and your boneless cowardly children are willing to endure the ostracization and lingering shame that will accompany them well into their adulthood, they, and you are free to give up, be quitters, and slink away from America’s needs whenever they are ready.
But don’t worry, comrade. Your kids will fit in somewhere. Maybe there’s a nice hacky-sack team for little Ivan down at the local Occupy Wall Street camp. Go ahead and take a shot.
After all...
...everybody needs a goal.
© 2012 J. Mark Rast
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