Here is a message for all the nit picking negative ne’er do well nay-sayers who want to tax and spend us into hell. Here, more importantly, is a message for all the God loving job creators out there, who are in need of a strong shake of the hand and a hearty slap on the back.
America is on the mend. Our next golden age is just around the corner.
Just in time.
For there has been much consternation here in America recently regarding the decay of the American dream, the disintegration of the American economy, and the fate that awaits it’s increasingly Godless citizens. Everyone is scared, and everyone is wondering, “How can we turn this mess around?”
The answer is, of course, flying cars.
Total Jetson shit.
Because, let’s face it, every economy on the planet is built around motorized personal transportation, and we’ve taken that business model just about as far as it can be taken, and what it really comes down to now is “Will it get me laid?”, and if it is a flying car, the answer there is, “Yes”. So, when the flying car finally does get invented everyone is going to want one and everyone is going to spend whatever money they have on getting one, even if it means letting a less essential family member or two starve to death. (Sorry, Gammy...but you had your chance. No ventilator for you.)
And the nation that is forward thinking enough to pioneer and develop and control the flying car industry will attain ungodly girth and will grow to rule planetary economics for the next 1 billion years, and for all of eternity everything about living in that nation will be perfect for all it’s citizens, even the really dumb and ugly ones, even the ones who don’t belong to a gym. Even the ones with flaccid abs.
Okay, that might be an exaggeration. Ugliness and ignorance are actually pretty difficult to overcome, and lack of abdominal muscle tone is really just natural selection being brutally honest. So achieving absolute total cultural perfection by compensating for these flaws may require a few additional tweaks.
Like developing a breed of flying monkeys to go along with the flying cars.
Of course, ordinary flying monkeys, though oddly attractive, would be pretty much useless.
(Amusing and often times alluring, flying monkeys, if you’ve never dealt with one, tend toward the self-absorbed.)
So these would have to be flying helper monkeys. We could train them to do all kinds of helpful thing besides feeding quadriplegics and going out to get the mail. We could train them to take out the garbage, and remove asbestos, and laser derm unwanted hair, and model lingerie, and we could train them how to put together Power Point presentations because that is going to become very important because as our economy explodes with growth and an unprecedented demand for flying helper monkey housing solutions, we are going to need a lot more meetings and a lot more Power Point. So that would be an additional industry that would be helpful to develop and invest in and would contribute a lot to the Gross National Product; the breeding and training and educating of Power Point capable flying helper monkeys.
And that’s just the beginning. There are many more industries of opportunity where we could make great strides forward in our quest to crush the spirit of the wicked Chinese people who, along with their little Korean friends and sly Japanese buddies and everyone else on that side of the planet, plus the Amish, are responsible for ruining everything that we love about the good old US of A, especially our right to work in underpaying lethal sweat shops. Because let’s face it, those weirdos are basically the cause of everything that’s gone wrong with the amazing system of capitalism that our heroic leaders on Wall Street have built for us over the last 240 years.
And chief among those yet to be developed industries of opportunity that are just sitting there waiting to be developed, is the business of Drive-Thru services.
To date, Drive-Thru services has been a sadly neglected growth sector that has been just dripping with frustration, waiting to be inseminated with the love jizz of American entrepreneurialism. Short sighted business people have tended to dismiss Drive-Thru kiosks as nothing more than delivery systems for getting fatty fast food into fat people fast. This is short term small thinking based on nothing more than a stereotype. The big boned people proved long ago they are perfectly capable of parking their cars and waddling...uh...walking across parking lots into take-out restaurants to get their french fries, fried chicken, and Diet-Coke. But Drive -Thru’s could be used for so much more, particularly in the golden age of flying cars and helper monkeys.
Imagine...you’re on your way in your flying Ford F150 to drop off some left over enriched uranium at the local orphanage for the kids in the Atomic Bomb Club to play with in their reactor (...a totally safe past time, now that (with the help of flying helper monkeys) scientists have developed an anti-aging skin cream that cleans your colon AND reverses the effects of radiation poisoning. Suddenly you remember you wanted to get a heart valve replacement, but forgot to make an appointment. The solution? Of course! Head for the Cardiac Surgery Drive-Thru Crisis Center.
You pull up to the menu board...
“Good morning. Welcome to AstroPlasty Would you like to try one of our limited time Halloween Pulmonary Pumpkin Heart Stents?”
“Not today, thank you. Can I just get an adult male left ventricle, please?”
“Synthetic?”
“Pig.”
“Please pull forward.”
OR,
...You’re on your way to a big night of black light speed dating. Sadly, while picking up your refill of prescription grade Monistat 7, you notice your toenails look like shit. You haven’t got time for this. You’ve got to get there early, or all the good breeders will get away. (Last time you were late you ended up with a guy who looked like Jabba The Hut after a fry-o-lator accident. (Although, ...in fairness,...he was pre-med.)
You’ve got a pedicure emergency and you need help, fast!
Your head snaps back and forth as you look for help. Your Garmin explodes. You become disoriented, and as you hover at a six-way intersection, you lean out of your flying Fiat to ask the nearby helper monkey crossing guard for directions. It is then that you spot it ..., NAIL ME!...The Drive-Thru Nail Salon. With 4,000 franchise branches nationwide, NAIL ME! is America’s number one choice for below-the-waist-care on-the-go. You pull up, order the #7, hang your legs out the window, and in no time at all you are pedi-perfect and on your way. Your nails look beautiful, and you’ve gotten a to-die-for Brazilian at 10% off.
Compelling, eh? But Drive-Thru technology is just the conspicuous tip at the top of the career opportunity iceberg. Below that surface float enormous chunks of big time success potential, just waiting to rip a gash in the hulls of economic revitalization disbelievers.
Total Jetson shit. Total 21st century make me a rich dude industries like:
- Breast recycling.
- Helper Monkey Personal Fitness Training.
- Moon Colonization.
- Cat farming.
- Vampire Hunting.
- Organ harvesting.
- Liposuction Home Care Technology.
- Albino Management
- Hormonal Cooking.
- Methane Management for Underwater Lifestyles.
- Homeopathic Nursing.
- Male nursing.
- Wet Nursing.
- Helper Monkey Wet Male Nursing.
So the ball is in your court, job creators. It’s time to take the initiative, put on your “O” face, seize the fiscal reins from the Obamic doom and gloomers ...and help launch the next American Revolution!
And the best part of all? The cost. Entrepreneurial start-ups in the 21st century cost mere peanuts.
Which shouldn’t be a surprise.
You’re employing monkeys.
"How can I help YOU?"
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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