A goose is not a particularly brilliant creature. In fact geese are idiots.
The goose you see pictured here is a good example. He’s had a tough morning. He chose to land himself in the middle of the pond you see behind him, without taking into consideration that the six inch square space of water he was landing in was the LAST six square inches of water in this pond that wasn’t frozen. As a result, he, in essence, froze himself in place, and had nowhere to go except straight up, straight down, or, with a great deal of difficulty, straight forward.
Ice breaking, it turns out, is not a goose’s strong suit.
And dumber than his decision to land where he did was the plan he adopted to correct it. Instead of wiggling around and breaking a little ice and maneuvering himself 90〫 so that he would be facing shore with only ten yards of travel to safety, he instead insisted on maintaining a frontal attack which meant traveling the length of the pond and adding an additional thirty yards to his quest.
Yes, a remarkably clever animal indeed.
And of course this situation brought with it a magnificent display of that legendary goose charm which we all find ourselves so enamored with and so frequently standing around water coolers talking about. (Oh, yes, I LOVE geese...I hope some day I may repose to a quaint waterside abode where I can spend my twilight years surrounded by human sized bird stools and drenched in the cacophonous sound waves of honking, retarded, geese....)
In this case, the serenade went on for about 45 annoying minutes which did absolutely nothing to help the goose’s cause. Certainly no neighbors came running to the rescue, and if there is some sort of Disney-esque animal emergency network out there, ...staffed by foot thumping bunnies and wood pecking birds..., they don’t respond to goose honking. I know in my case it only made me root for the pond, and hope the obnoxious honking might arouse a hibernating snapping turtle from it’s slumber who might do the right thing and bring the entire wearisome drama to a close. But that was not to be.
At the moment this particular photo was taken the exhausted goose had just found it’s way to shore. There are a few things about the pictured goose that are notable.
First of all, even though he has just spent the last 45 minutes trying to escape it, the goose is now staring at the pond as if it is seriously thinking of going back in it, which means that from the time he stepped on to shore (in terror) to the time he turned around (about two seconds later), he has somehow forgotten that the pond he is staring at wants to kill him. This goes a long way toward supporting my personal theory that a goose, much like certain branches of the government, is impossibly dumb and has to re-learn every single thing it knows, every single day.
Next, note that the goose is standing on one leg. At first look, I thought perhaps the goose was in fact one-legged...perhaps the result of a birth defect, a land mine, diabetes, or even the wished for snapping turtle mentioned above. Then, after looking more closely, I realized the only reason the goose was standing on one leg was because it simply had forgotten to put the other one down.
More evidence in support of my theory.
Another thing you’ll notice is that this goose is alone. My experience (quite extensive) is that geese hang around in groups, or gangs. They don’t generally roll alone. It’s not illegal for them to marry in this state, so aberrant solo behavior like this is something significant. It could be that this goose is a rogue and he is a sign of something terribly ominous occurring in the world of water fowl. Time will tell. Or it could be that he is an outcast, some sort of social deviant caught consorting with ducks or eating paté. Or it could be that he was traveling with a spouse or life partner, but landed on top of them in the six inch square section of not-frozen water, pushing them below the surface and sending them to their icy grave. We’ll find out in the spring. On the other hand it is entirely possible that he was part of one of those cliche goose flocks passing over head, ...got distracted, forgot how to fly (see above theory), and simply fell from the sky. And the rest of the flock? Well, they are geese, and idiots, and didn’t notice.
Whatever.
All I know for certain is that the creature is no longer here. I stepped away from the window for a moment, and when I returned he was gone. Whether he flew away, hopped away, flagged down a cab, or got eaten by one of any number of local predators who undoubtably were alerted by his plaintive calls for help, all I know is that he disappeared leaving only a feather, a memory, and piece of goose poop the size of an Italian sausage.
To which I say, good riddance.
But I can tell, you think that’s insensitive, and I can tell you are worried, so here’s what I’ll promise to do for you, my dear goose lover.
Once in a while, when the cold winds blow and the skies drip snow, and you're in fear "where did that sad goose meander?”...
I'll pull on my coat, and I'll head to the moat,
and for you,
...I’ll go take a goose gander.
The goose you see pictured here is a good example. He’s had a tough morning. He chose to land himself in the middle of the pond you see behind him, without taking into consideration that the six inch square space of water he was landing in was the LAST six square inches of water in this pond that wasn’t frozen. As a result, he, in essence, froze himself in place, and had nowhere to go except straight up, straight down, or, with a great deal of difficulty, straight forward.
Ice breaking, it turns out, is not a goose’s strong suit.
And dumber than his decision to land where he did was the plan he adopted to correct it. Instead of wiggling around and breaking a little ice and maneuvering himself 90〫 so that he would be facing shore with only ten yards of travel to safety, he instead insisted on maintaining a frontal attack which meant traveling the length of the pond and adding an additional thirty yards to his quest.
Yes, a remarkably clever animal indeed.
And of course this situation brought with it a magnificent display of that legendary goose charm which we all find ourselves so enamored with and so frequently standing around water coolers talking about. (Oh, yes, I LOVE geese...I hope some day I may repose to a quaint waterside abode where I can spend my twilight years surrounded by human sized bird stools and drenched in the cacophonous sound waves of honking, retarded, geese....)
In this case, the serenade went on for about 45 annoying minutes which did absolutely nothing to help the goose’s cause. Certainly no neighbors came running to the rescue, and if there is some sort of Disney-esque animal emergency network out there, ...staffed by foot thumping bunnies and wood pecking birds..., they don’t respond to goose honking. I know in my case it only made me root for the pond, and hope the obnoxious honking might arouse a hibernating snapping turtle from it’s slumber who might do the right thing and bring the entire wearisome drama to a close. But that was not to be.
At the moment this particular photo was taken the exhausted goose had just found it’s way to shore. There are a few things about the pictured goose that are notable.
First of all, even though he has just spent the last 45 minutes trying to escape it, the goose is now staring at the pond as if it is seriously thinking of going back in it, which means that from the time he stepped on to shore (in terror) to the time he turned around (about two seconds later), he has somehow forgotten that the pond he is staring at wants to kill him. This goes a long way toward supporting my personal theory that a goose, much like certain branches of the government, is impossibly dumb and has to re-learn every single thing it knows, every single day.
Next, note that the goose is standing on one leg. At first look, I thought perhaps the goose was in fact one-legged...perhaps the result of a birth defect, a land mine, diabetes, or even the wished for snapping turtle mentioned above. Then, after looking more closely, I realized the only reason the goose was standing on one leg was because it simply had forgotten to put the other one down.
More evidence in support of my theory.
Another thing you’ll notice is that this goose is alone. My experience (quite extensive) is that geese hang around in groups, or gangs. They don’t generally roll alone. It’s not illegal for them to marry in this state, so aberrant solo behavior like this is something significant. It could be that this goose is a rogue and he is a sign of something terribly ominous occurring in the world of water fowl. Time will tell. Or it could be that he is an outcast, some sort of social deviant caught consorting with ducks or eating paté. Or it could be that he was traveling with a spouse or life partner, but landed on top of them in the six inch square section of not-frozen water, pushing them below the surface and sending them to their icy grave. We’ll find out in the spring. On the other hand it is entirely possible that he was part of one of those cliche goose flocks passing over head, ...got distracted, forgot how to fly (see above theory), and simply fell from the sky. And the rest of the flock? Well, they are geese, and idiots, and didn’t notice.
Whatever.
All I know for certain is that the creature is no longer here. I stepped away from the window for a moment, and when I returned he was gone. Whether he flew away, hopped away, flagged down a cab, or got eaten by one of any number of local predators who undoubtably were alerted by his plaintive calls for help, all I know is that he disappeared leaving only a feather, a memory, and piece of goose poop the size of an Italian sausage.
To which I say, good riddance.
But I can tell, you think that’s insensitive, and I can tell you are worried, so here’s what I’ll promise to do for you, my dear goose lover.
Once in a while, when the cold winds blow and the skies drip snow, and you're in fear "where did that sad goose meander?”...
I'll pull on my coat, and I'll head to the moat,
and for you,
...I’ll go take a goose gander.
© 2012 J. Mark Rast
RSS Feed