MEMO:
TO: Santa Claus
RE: Gifts
Dear Santa:
Just a quick note...
I realize you are quite busy, what with the endless labor disputes, the constant Polar Bear attacks, complying with ObamaCare, and figuring out what the fuck to do about the Beyonce album drop, etc., etc. So let me just go ahead and apologize in advance for disrupting your operation at this late hour.
However, as the clock ticks down on this Christmas Eve, I was, never-the-less hoping you could take just a few Santa moments to look over the list I have prepared for you below. This list is a short catalog of items that, over the years. have appeared prominently on my personal wish lists, but, sadly, have never appeared under my tree.
Gifts that never came.
Lonely yuletide tears.
This haunts me.
Mind you, Santa, I am not claiming hardship here, and I am not complaining here, and I am not pointing any fingers. I am merely asking a favor.
You see, Santa, I am a realist, ...as I’m sure both you and your staff of snow fairies and magical elves and flying reindeer are all keenly aware. Keeping that in mind, I just want you to know that I am not seeking any special consideration here. I’m simply asking that this year you give that list of mine one extra check, to make sure there isn’t anything under my name that has somehow been overlooked.
It is possible. Deer shit happens.
So here then, is my list. A list of bitter disappointments from Christmas mornings gone by. And again, I’m not going down this road to depress you. If my goal was to depress you, I’d be pointing out that according to even the most conservative projections, your homeland will be melted by 2024, and that chronic obesity is a killer.
No, my goal is to simply restate my case regarding a few modest requests that over the years apparently were either misunderstood, misplaced, or have slipped your effin' elfin Alzheimer mind altogether. To that end I’ve also added a few clarifying comments.
So, just to remind you, Claus, ...the following Rast Christmas wishes are still outstanding!
These are:
#1--A medium sized thermonuclear weapon. (I’m sensing you've been uncomfortable with this. I assure you, I only want it for defensive purposes. My wife is Jewish.)
#2--Peace On Earth. (LOL Just kidding. I threw this in for laughs. I know you can ‘t do this. But it does underscore request #1.)
#3--A measurably larger Johnson. (I’ve included the term “measurably” here, because several years ago, after making this request, I experienced several days of odd swelling that later turned out to be related to a UTI. ...I hope this wasn’t your idea of a joke.)
#4--A pony. (Please note I’ve modified this request. I felt you might have been uncomfortable with my previous request for a “shaved” pony. I think you may have been reading too much into this. I wish you weren’t so judgmental.)
#5--A full disclosure of your “naughty” list regarding verifiable abusers of PEDs in Major League Baseball. (Please don’t worry. I’ve no agenda here. I'm not into the bookies. I’m just curious, and your tell-tale dirty secrets are safe with me, just like they are with the mainstream media...and I don't even work for a news outlet owned by a baseball team. Not that releasing such info would ever change anything anyway. Goddamn players union!)
#6--The name of a plumber who will actually keep his appointments. (LOL again! Right? This one is even more ridiculous than #2!)
#7--A romantic dinner with sex-kitten Ann-Margret. (As you can see, some of these requests go back pretty far.)
#8--A original edition Lawn Darts game. (I'm not talking the modern day sissy version that uses soft-plastic and bean bags. I'm talking the steel-shaft, pointy-ended, skull puncturing darts of death that I remember from my youth. But don't worry about me. There's a kid in my neighborhood I want to regift these to.)
#9--Pubic hair. (I sent you this one when I was 12. ...Dude! Is this ever going to happen? I’m already bald!)
#10--A Volkswagen Thing. (You know.. The car? I realize that coming up with an automobile that is thirty years out of production might pose a challenge for you, but making miracles come true is your job. And for yours truly, re-requesting it is a no-brainer. A cheaply made German import that just happens to look like a WWII Nazi staff car??? Screw political correctness. I grew up watching Hogan's Heroes. I want one!)
Finally, please do not stress too much about this list, or the fact that it actually only represents a fraction of my life's disappointments. I’m not looking for 100% fulfillment from the North Pole crew, ...although I’d like to point out that the way things are going, a few more years of performance like yours and little kids will be sending their Christmas lists directly to Jeff Bezos. (Hello?!? ...Rudolph the Red Nosed Drone????!!!!)
In the meantime, Merry Christmas, Big Man. Ho Ho Ho, have a good holiday, fly safe, and assuming you've reconciled, (hey...I hear things) send my regards to the missus.
Yours truly,
Little Markie Rast.
P.S. By the way, don't pay any attention to that anti-materialist Pope Francis and his socialist spew. Just bring us the goods!!!
Just a quick note...
I realize you are quite busy, what with the endless labor disputes, the constant Polar Bear attacks, complying with ObamaCare, and figuring out what the fuck to do about the Beyonce album drop, etc., etc. So let me just go ahead and apologize in advance for disrupting your operation at this late hour.
However, as the clock ticks down on this Christmas Eve, I was, never-the-less hoping you could take just a few Santa moments to look over the list I have prepared for you below. This list is a short catalog of items that, over the years. have appeared prominently on my personal wish lists, but, sadly, have never appeared under my tree.
Gifts that never came.
Lonely yuletide tears.
This haunts me.
Mind you, Santa, I am not claiming hardship here, and I am not complaining here, and I am not pointing any fingers. I am merely asking a favor.
You see, Santa, I am a realist, ...as I’m sure both you and your staff of snow fairies and magical elves and flying reindeer are all keenly aware. Keeping that in mind, I just want you to know that I am not seeking any special consideration here. I’m simply asking that this year you give that list of mine one extra check, to make sure there isn’t anything under my name that has somehow been overlooked.
It is possible. Deer shit happens.
So here then, is my list. A list of bitter disappointments from Christmas mornings gone by. And again, I’m not going down this road to depress you. If my goal was to depress you, I’d be pointing out that according to even the most conservative projections, your homeland will be melted by 2024, and that chronic obesity is a killer.
No, my goal is to simply restate my case regarding a few modest requests that over the years apparently were either misunderstood, misplaced, or have slipped your effin' elfin Alzheimer mind altogether. To that end I’ve also added a few clarifying comments.
So, just to remind you, Claus, ...the following Rast Christmas wishes are still outstanding!
These are:
#1--A medium sized thermonuclear weapon. (I’m sensing you've been uncomfortable with this. I assure you, I only want it for defensive purposes. My wife is Jewish.)
#2--Peace On Earth. (LOL Just kidding. I threw this in for laughs. I know you can ‘t do this. But it does underscore request #1.)
#3--A measurably larger Johnson. (I’ve included the term “measurably” here, because several years ago, after making this request, I experienced several days of odd swelling that later turned out to be related to a UTI. ...I hope this wasn’t your idea of a joke.)
#4--A pony. (Please note I’ve modified this request. I felt you might have been uncomfortable with my previous request for a “shaved” pony. I think you may have been reading too much into this. I wish you weren’t so judgmental.)
#5--A full disclosure of your “naughty” list regarding verifiable abusers of PEDs in Major League Baseball. (Please don’t worry. I’ve no agenda here. I'm not into the bookies. I’m just curious, and your tell-tale dirty secrets are safe with me, just like they are with the mainstream media...and I don't even work for a news outlet owned by a baseball team. Not that releasing such info would ever change anything anyway. Goddamn players union!)
#6--The name of a plumber who will actually keep his appointments. (LOL again! Right? This one is even more ridiculous than #2!)
#7--A romantic dinner with sex-kitten Ann-Margret. (As you can see, some of these requests go back pretty far.)
#8--A original edition Lawn Darts game. (I'm not talking the modern day sissy version that uses soft-plastic and bean bags. I'm talking the steel-shaft, pointy-ended, skull puncturing darts of death that I remember from my youth. But don't worry about me. There's a kid in my neighborhood I want to regift these to.)
#9--Pubic hair. (I sent you this one when I was 12. ...Dude! Is this ever going to happen? I’m already bald!)
#10--A Volkswagen Thing. (You know.. The car? I realize that coming up with an automobile that is thirty years out of production might pose a challenge for you, but making miracles come true is your job. And for yours truly, re-requesting it is a no-brainer. A cheaply made German import that just happens to look like a WWII Nazi staff car??? Screw political correctness. I grew up watching Hogan's Heroes. I want one!)
Finally, please do not stress too much about this list, or the fact that it actually only represents a fraction of my life's disappointments. I’m not looking for 100% fulfillment from the North Pole crew, ...although I’d like to point out that the way things are going, a few more years of performance like yours and little kids will be sending their Christmas lists directly to Jeff Bezos. (Hello?!? ...Rudolph the Red Nosed Drone????!!!!)
In the meantime, Merry Christmas, Big Man. Ho Ho Ho, have a good holiday, fly safe, and assuming you've reconciled, (hey...I hear things) send my regards to the missus.
Yours truly,
Little Markie Rast.
P.S. By the way, don't pay any attention to that anti-materialist Pope Francis and his socialist spew. Just bring us the goods!!!
"Frohe Weinachten!"
© 2013 J. Mark Rast
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