Devastated family members console each other.
Already reeling from the passing of North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il, the American public is waking up today to overnight news even more devastating: Cheetah the Chimp has died.
Fan favorite and longtime Tarzan sidekick, Cheetah was 80.
Cheetah made his fame appearing in numerous Hollywood films alongside former Olympic gold medalist Johnny Weissmuller who played the lead role of Tarzan, a man raised by apes. Cheetah and Weissmuller became very close and lived together at Weissmuller’s estate for many years.
Cheetah’s relationship with Hollywood eventually soured, once he realized he was being paid peanuts. As a result of his experiences, Cheetah, through a ghost writer, wrote a revealing tell-all autobiography, “I Came, I Saw, I Flung” which created a minor sensation in the mid-1960’s. As a result of the publication, producers shied away from the ape, and his career never recovered.
Most recently, Cheetah made one more career comeback, this time solo, as a blogger. But the endeavor produced dismal results, a direct result of the primate’s inherent inability to type anything more coherent than random strings of keypad gibberish. Launched in 2009, the website, “&GR4....*h4%kLmMN(77^ s22 3”, drew little attention and only a handful of followers. “It was sad” said one faithful reader, “He could pick nits with the best of ‘em but he never figured out autofill”.
According to a spokesperson at the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Florida, the official cause of death was kidney failure. Internet rumors have already begun to appear, however, alleging everything from suicide, to an autoerotic asphyxiation event gone awry, to an assassination plot involving elements of the terrorist organization Hamas. (Cheetah reportedly converted to Judaism in 1963 and had long been a vocal supporter of Israel)
In Washington, President Barack Obama has ordered that all bananas be lowered to half staff. Additionally, he has asked members of Congress to observe a one-day feces flinging moratorium to honor of the fallen chimp ..."and what he meant to America." Plans for official memorial services have not yet been announced, and at this point it is unclear whether President Obama will be able to attend. White House sources have confirmed however that longtime personal friend Vice-President Joseph Biden will definitely be going and is available to serve as a pall bearer and, if needed, to deliver the eulogy.
Elsewhere, world leaders and celebrities from all walks of life have been expressing their shock and sorrow, and world-wide the impact of the news is being felt. Asian stock market prices opened significantly lower on news of the death, and at least three nations have gone on military alert. In addition, numerous domestic scholarship funds have already been established, with donations pouring in. And in Florida, huge crowds have reportedly begun assembling outside the gates of the late chimpanzee’s home, lighting candles, leaving stuffed animals, flinging fecal matter, and leaving personal notes written in (hopefully) finger paint. So far, authorities have reported 17 cases of mourners being injured as a result of slipping on banana peels.
Officials are urging calm.
Through a spokesperson, Cheetah’s family has requested that in lieu of flowers, yellow ribbons, mylar balloons or other useless junk, actual cash be sent directly to the family. Cheetah reportedly suffered huge personal financial losses as a direct result of the Bernie Madoff investment scandal.
Said the spokesperson, “Cheetah new better than anybody. It’s a jungle out there.”
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
Fan favorite and longtime Tarzan sidekick, Cheetah was 80.
Cheetah made his fame appearing in numerous Hollywood films alongside former Olympic gold medalist Johnny Weissmuller who played the lead role of Tarzan, a man raised by apes. Cheetah and Weissmuller became very close and lived together at Weissmuller’s estate for many years.
Cheetah’s relationship with Hollywood eventually soured, once he realized he was being paid peanuts. As a result of his experiences, Cheetah, through a ghost writer, wrote a revealing tell-all autobiography, “I Came, I Saw, I Flung” which created a minor sensation in the mid-1960’s. As a result of the publication, producers shied away from the ape, and his career never recovered.
Most recently, Cheetah made one more career comeback, this time solo, as a blogger. But the endeavor produced dismal results, a direct result of the primate’s inherent inability to type anything more coherent than random strings of keypad gibberish. Launched in 2009, the website, “&GR4....*h4%kLmMN(77^ s22 3”, drew little attention and only a handful of followers. “It was sad” said one faithful reader, “He could pick nits with the best of ‘em but he never figured out autofill”.
According to a spokesperson at the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Florida, the official cause of death was kidney failure. Internet rumors have already begun to appear, however, alleging everything from suicide, to an autoerotic asphyxiation event gone awry, to an assassination plot involving elements of the terrorist organization Hamas. (Cheetah reportedly converted to Judaism in 1963 and had long been a vocal supporter of Israel)
In Washington, President Barack Obama has ordered that all bananas be lowered to half staff. Additionally, he has asked members of Congress to observe a one-day feces flinging moratorium to honor of the fallen chimp ..."and what he meant to America." Plans for official memorial services have not yet been announced, and at this point it is unclear whether President Obama will be able to attend. White House sources have confirmed however that longtime personal friend Vice-President Joseph Biden will definitely be going and is available to serve as a pall bearer and, if needed, to deliver the eulogy.
Elsewhere, world leaders and celebrities from all walks of life have been expressing their shock and sorrow, and world-wide the impact of the news is being felt. Asian stock market prices opened significantly lower on news of the death, and at least three nations have gone on military alert. In addition, numerous domestic scholarship funds have already been established, with donations pouring in. And in Florida, huge crowds have reportedly begun assembling outside the gates of the late chimpanzee’s home, lighting candles, leaving stuffed animals, flinging fecal matter, and leaving personal notes written in (hopefully) finger paint. So far, authorities have reported 17 cases of mourners being injured as a result of slipping on banana peels.
Officials are urging calm.
Through a spokesperson, Cheetah’s family has requested that in lieu of flowers, yellow ribbons, mylar balloons or other useless junk, actual cash be sent directly to the family. Cheetah reportedly suffered huge personal financial losses as a direct result of the Bernie Madoff investment scandal.
Said the spokesperson, “Cheetah new better than anybody. It’s a jungle out there.”
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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