Dear Dog Owning Driver,
Why do you threaten me with your poodle?
What is wrong with you? Why would you do that? What have I ever done to you? What has your poodle ever done to you? What have I ever done to your poodle? What are you...some kind of mental? You, and your poodle, and your car. You scare me.
You need to quit that.
And before you start up with me here, let me clarify right up front; I am not anti-poodle and I am not anti-dog, and I am not anti-car. In fact, I love cars. They move me.
And dogs are okay too, ...in general, ...for the most part. Though I don’t care much to own one these days, what with the law that requires walking around behind them picking up their stuff. But I suppose that simply could be a generational thing. Back when my dogs were not dead, dog ownership was a lot less demeaning. A lot less stool centric. You had a dog. You fed it. You walked it. Walk, sniff, squat...split. Wasn’t anybody walking around mandated to be picking up warm poo. That wasn’t the price for owning man’s best friend. I don’t recall that even being an option.
But no matter. The point is I cared about my dogs, and I can still recall the deep genuine affection that I felt for them. And I also recall how endearing, for lack of a better word, it was when my dog hung his head out a rear window as I drove, him air-blasting his dog head senses, blowing his freaking dog head mind, as we drove along city streets trying to snag looks of desire from females of our species. Woof.
So I get that.
And I get too, that dogs are just dogs, and they are not so easily controlled, and that they are quite likely to just do what they want to do, which at any given moment may vary between scratching or barking or poking their head out a car window or whatever, and it doesn’t necessarily make any sense. We can order them to pull their heads back in the car or sit down for their own safety, or put out their cigarettes and stop playing poker but ultimately why they do what they do, is profoundly inexplicable
But you...YOU are a human being, with intellect, logic, the power of reason, maybe even an IPad, and, in theory, a shred of common sense. ...And it’s you that is out there motoring with a poodle standing on your lap, man.
That’s insane. You’re going to kill somebody. You’re going to kill your poodle.
Why do you want to go doing that? Why do you want to go driving around population centers like that? With your poodle hanging out all over the place? Places where people are. Innocent people. People with jobs. People who don’t want to end up dead or worse, just so you can showcase your butt sniffin poodle and how special your relationship is to it.
That’s crazy driving stuff, my friend. That is crazy. While you’re at it, why don’t you just go ahead and eat a rotisserie chicken and do some texting too?
Do you really think you can safely operate a 3000 pound mechanical device stuffed with steel and glass and combustible liquids moving swiftly through thickly settled population centers with a freakin poodle sitting on your genitalia blocking your vision and your steering wheel and access to all manner of operational controls?
Can that be done?
No!
But somehow you believe, ...YES!
And in your delusion, you are not alone. There are many others like you. Crazy pooch wielding lunatics in Chevys and Toyotas and Fords, and we are all aware of you. You are like a cult of dangerous poodle lap-dance-driving freaks and you are dangerous and we resent you. We resent you because you have animal friends and maybe we don’t, and you smell of Alpo and maybe we don’t, and you are trying to kill us and life is lonely and poodle-less and tough enough already. And you are illegal.
Oh yes, illegal, ...you freakazoid car cur conundrum crazy person. You are illegal. I checked.
According to Massachusetts General Law, it is illegal for an operator of a motor vehicle to allow anything in or on the vehicle that may “interfere with or impede the proper operation of the vehicle...”
According to the Massachusetts Drivers Manual, “Nothing should block your view of the road, either ahead of you or through your mirrors. Be careful that nothing near your feet can roll and get in the way of your pedal controls.”
“Like what?” you hiss, defensively.
Like a Chihuahua, we reply.
Like a Shit-Tzu with a foot fetish.
Like a Beagle who’s overdosed on Snausages.
Like.........A POODLE!!!!
And as difficult as it is to fathom why you would harbor such callous disregard for the personal safety of your fellow man, it is doubly difficult to fathom why, WHY, you would do it to your dog. (You love your dog, remember? That’s what you told that girl you met on the beach!)
Because beyond the illegality, which is clear and established, there is the moral dimension.
Because driving with a dog on your lap is a reckless, feckless, irresponsible behavior and an assault on dog/man relations. Further, it puts a defenseless beast, to whit your precious Fifi, needlessly at risk, ...something highway safety groups like AAA, and animal advocacy groups like the MSPCA, take a very dim view of. MSPCA spokesperson Kara Holmquist points out that the MSPCA has taken a strong stance on this and recommends “...that dogs be restrained--both for their own safety and to prevent interference with the driver.” She also encourages all to visit their website for a quick reality check regarding safety hazards and solutions.
Other veterinary professionals are a little less diplomatic.
“It’s asinine” says one vet acquaintance who works south of Boston. “You wouldn’t drive with a child on your lap. This is so wrong for so many reasons!”
And with the exception of the romantically inclined pit bull, frantically trying to claw his way out the driver’s side window because he’s spotted a spaniel in heat and stretching it’s front legs on the sidewalk across the boulevard, ...most everyone else in the world would agree.
So why, why, would you do such a thing?
For one thing, you’re a knucklehead. Beyond that, I have only theories.
THEORY #1
You’re misinformed. You believe that dogs are made of Nerf and are impervious to the laws of physics.
THEORY #2
You’re delusional. You think it makes you look cute. In reality it makes you look brain damaged.
THEORY #3
You’re a sadist, and you dream of the day when you can launch an 20lb bug eyed Pug across three lanes of rush hour traffic directly into the path of an oncoming Fung Wah bus.
THEORY #4
You’re gullible. That guy on the corner..., the one who shouted “Hey gorgeous...With that poodle on your lap, you look like Paris Hilton!”
He was drunk.
THEORY #5
You’re just plain, old fashioned, dumb.
THEORY #6
You relish the possibility of dying with your head stuck in the anus of a collie.
Whatever the reason, the upshot is the same: Lap dog driving makes zero sense. It is gratuitous, ridiculous, and it’s dangerous.
So for the good of all of us, do us a favor:
...save lap time for the living room
...and keep your poodle
...in it’s place.
Why do you threaten me with your poodle?
What is wrong with you? Why would you do that? What have I ever done to you? What has your poodle ever done to you? What have I ever done to your poodle? What are you...some kind of mental? You, and your poodle, and your car. You scare me.
You need to quit that.
And before you start up with me here, let me clarify right up front; I am not anti-poodle and I am not anti-dog, and I am not anti-car. In fact, I love cars. They move me.
And dogs are okay too, ...in general, ...for the most part. Though I don’t care much to own one these days, what with the law that requires walking around behind them picking up their stuff. But I suppose that simply could be a generational thing. Back when my dogs were not dead, dog ownership was a lot less demeaning. A lot less stool centric. You had a dog. You fed it. You walked it. Walk, sniff, squat...split. Wasn’t anybody walking around mandated to be picking up warm poo. That wasn’t the price for owning man’s best friend. I don’t recall that even being an option.
But no matter. The point is I cared about my dogs, and I can still recall the deep genuine affection that I felt for them. And I also recall how endearing, for lack of a better word, it was when my dog hung his head out a rear window as I drove, him air-blasting his dog head senses, blowing his freaking dog head mind, as we drove along city streets trying to snag looks of desire from females of our species. Woof.
So I get that.
And I get too, that dogs are just dogs, and they are not so easily controlled, and that they are quite likely to just do what they want to do, which at any given moment may vary between scratching or barking or poking their head out a car window or whatever, and it doesn’t necessarily make any sense. We can order them to pull their heads back in the car or sit down for their own safety, or put out their cigarettes and stop playing poker but ultimately why they do what they do, is profoundly inexplicable
But you...YOU are a human being, with intellect, logic, the power of reason, maybe even an IPad, and, in theory, a shred of common sense. ...And it’s you that is out there motoring with a poodle standing on your lap, man.
That’s insane. You’re going to kill somebody. You’re going to kill your poodle.
Why do you want to go doing that? Why do you want to go driving around population centers like that? With your poodle hanging out all over the place? Places where people are. Innocent people. People with jobs. People who don’t want to end up dead or worse, just so you can showcase your butt sniffin poodle and how special your relationship is to it.
That’s crazy driving stuff, my friend. That is crazy. While you’re at it, why don’t you just go ahead and eat a rotisserie chicken and do some texting too?
Do you really think you can safely operate a 3000 pound mechanical device stuffed with steel and glass and combustible liquids moving swiftly through thickly settled population centers with a freakin poodle sitting on your genitalia blocking your vision and your steering wheel and access to all manner of operational controls?
Can that be done?
No!
But somehow you believe, ...YES!
And in your delusion, you are not alone. There are many others like you. Crazy pooch wielding lunatics in Chevys and Toyotas and Fords, and we are all aware of you. You are like a cult of dangerous poodle lap-dance-driving freaks and you are dangerous and we resent you. We resent you because you have animal friends and maybe we don’t, and you smell of Alpo and maybe we don’t, and you are trying to kill us and life is lonely and poodle-less and tough enough already. And you are illegal.
Oh yes, illegal, ...you freakazoid car cur conundrum crazy person. You are illegal. I checked.
According to Massachusetts General Law, it is illegal for an operator of a motor vehicle to allow anything in or on the vehicle that may “interfere with or impede the proper operation of the vehicle...”
According to the Massachusetts Drivers Manual, “Nothing should block your view of the road, either ahead of you or through your mirrors. Be careful that nothing near your feet can roll and get in the way of your pedal controls.”
“Like what?” you hiss, defensively.
Like a Chihuahua, we reply.
Like a Shit-Tzu with a foot fetish.
Like a Beagle who’s overdosed on Snausages.
Like.........A POODLE!!!!
And as difficult as it is to fathom why you would harbor such callous disregard for the personal safety of your fellow man, it is doubly difficult to fathom why, WHY, you would do it to your dog. (You love your dog, remember? That’s what you told that girl you met on the beach!)
Because beyond the illegality, which is clear and established, there is the moral dimension.
Because driving with a dog on your lap is a reckless, feckless, irresponsible behavior and an assault on dog/man relations. Further, it puts a defenseless beast, to whit your precious Fifi, needlessly at risk, ...something highway safety groups like AAA, and animal advocacy groups like the MSPCA, take a very dim view of. MSPCA spokesperson Kara Holmquist points out that the MSPCA has taken a strong stance on this and recommends “...that dogs be restrained--both for their own safety and to prevent interference with the driver.” She also encourages all to visit their website for a quick reality check regarding safety hazards and solutions.
Other veterinary professionals are a little less diplomatic.
“It’s asinine” says one vet acquaintance who works south of Boston. “You wouldn’t drive with a child on your lap. This is so wrong for so many reasons!”
And with the exception of the romantically inclined pit bull, frantically trying to claw his way out the driver’s side window because he’s spotted a spaniel in heat and stretching it’s front legs on the sidewalk across the boulevard, ...most everyone else in the world would agree.
So why, why, would you do such a thing?
For one thing, you’re a knucklehead. Beyond that, I have only theories.
THEORY #1
You’re misinformed. You believe that dogs are made of Nerf and are impervious to the laws of physics.
THEORY #2
You’re delusional. You think it makes you look cute. In reality it makes you look brain damaged.
THEORY #3
You’re a sadist, and you dream of the day when you can launch an 20lb bug eyed Pug across three lanes of rush hour traffic directly into the path of an oncoming Fung Wah bus.
THEORY #4
You’re gullible. That guy on the corner..., the one who shouted “Hey gorgeous...With that poodle on your lap, you look like Paris Hilton!”
He was drunk.
THEORY #5
You’re just plain, old fashioned, dumb.
THEORY #6
You relish the possibility of dying with your head stuck in the anus of a collie.
Whatever the reason, the upshot is the same: Lap dog driving makes zero sense. It is gratuitous, ridiculous, and it’s dangerous.
So for the good of all of us, do us a favor:
...save lap time for the living room
...and keep your poodle
...in it’s place.
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
RSS Feed