According to a YahooNews/Associated Press report
(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110506/ap_on_re_as/as_pakistan_bin_laden), Pakistan's intelligence agency has concluded that Osama bin Laden was "cash strapped" in his final days. This remarkable assertion is being used by some to explain the near total absence of a robust defense force to defend the terrorist’s hiding place during the recent Joint Special Operations night raid that resulted in bin Laden’s death. A highly placed Kielbasablog source deep within the Pakistan Intelligence Agency has confirmed this report, has provided additional details, and has indicated that several new delicious Slushie flavors will be introduced at participating 7-Elevens sometime early this summer.
According to the source, bin Laden’s cash woes began in late 2007 when he refinanced his now notorious Abbottabad compound with a home equity loan initially written by Countrywide Mortgage that was later sold to GMAC Mortgage, an organization that bin Laden eventually came to consider so brutally ruthless that he ordered his senior officers to observe their management team and learn from their “take no prisoners” style of business.
For the al-Qaida leader, it all began with a clerical error. An improperly recorded mortgage payment resulted in years of personal torment.
Eventually bin Laden ordered his phone lines removed just to avoid the incessant nerve wracking early evening automated phone calls demanding mortgage payments (sometimes just hours overdue) and threatening the terrorist commander with the shame of a sub-market credit rating. For Osama, no plate of lamb ever went uninterrupted.
Especially exasperating to the terrorist, was his inability to reach any sympathetic GMAC representative above those at the mortgage company’s mysterious off shore call center, the exact location of which have left both the CIA and bin Laden’s international terror organization utterly baffled.
In addition, factors contributing to bin Laden’s fiscal problems were:
-Failing to cover the spread in the 07’ Super Bowl.
-A brief and ill advised all-for-nothing foray into online trading that left him heavily positioned with a buttload of Krispy-Kreme shares.
-A midlife spending spree that left him with several lifetime gym memberships and a candy apple red Dodge Magnum.
-A compulsive habit of responding to offers for 0% balance transfer no-fee credit cards.
-A fiscal misadventure that began when bin Laden received a tantalizing email telling him he was the heir to a Nigerian Royal Family fortune.
-A soft spot for “leggy blondes”.
-An embarrassing (...all things considered) level of trust placed on Bernie Madoff.
-And finally, as one well placed Jihadist mused, “Let’s face it... The O-man loved to play the ponies.”
Ironically, one place bin Laden’s financial decline was not news was among Abbottabad locals. Said one tavern owner, “Gone were the days when he’d buy the house a hard boiled egg and a JagerBomb. He mostly just sat off by himself ...watching cricket and playing Keno.
I can’t remember the last time I saw him pick up a check.”
© 2011 J. Mark Rast
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