FAQs (draft)
We understand.
Sometimes the world is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes this WEBSITE is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes you just draw a blank, and find yourself standing in the buffet line at Country Kitchen.
You need help.
You've got questions.
You need answers.
Here they are.
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______________________________________________________
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Sometimes the world is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes this WEBSITE is difficult to figure out.
Sometimes you just draw a blank, and find yourself standing in the buffet line at Country Kitchen.
You need help.
You've got questions.
You need answers.
Here they are.
_____________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________________
DEAR KIELBASABLOG:
Q: I can't seem to find anyplace on this site where I can purchase KIELBASABLOG souvenirs. In particular I'm interested in oven mitts, toaster cozys, kitchen magnets and plastic inflatable Asian women. Some help please???
A: Okay, clearly you do need help. ...Except the part about the inflatable Asian doll thing. We totally get that. Meanwhile the best way we can help you is to remind you that you are the only one who really knows who you are. Literally. So far, nobody here can figure out your password, which is fortunate for you because if we could, it's pretty certain you'd be in jail by now. So stop stressing about fetishes, start enjoying differences, and start owning the qualities that make you...you, ...tiger-man. ;)
Q: I thought "FAQ" meant "frequently asked questions"...as in questions that many different people commonly have and frequently ask. But most of the questions you print here are totally random useless queries dealing with whatever topic you seem to feel is appropriate at the moment, ...and half of them don't even make any sense, AND, predictably, almost none are ever signed. What gives?
A: What gives?!? Your Momma gives, is what gives. And for your information, Judge Judy, there is no law that says "FAQ" has to mean anything!!! It could mean "frequently asked questions". It could mean "fancy ass queries". It could mean "furry animal quesadilla". What it doesn't mean is that you have the right to look down your nose at us just because we don't seem to speak good and meet your snooty literary standards. So why don't you go back to reading your books or polishing your Audi or listening to NPR or writing your manifesto or whatever else it is that you do in Perfectville and let us go about our business in peace.
Q: I've noticed that sometimes the editorial tone of Kielbasablog FAQ responses seem to take on a decidedly contemptuous "edge".
A: (sigh)..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................and?
Q: Often after visiting your site I find my mailbox is full of emails from heavenly accented East-European women (seemingly all Romanian) who want to meet me at the local Fridays so I can join them for some cheesy-fries and a session of "teaching them how to drive". I like to think I have an open mind, but it's all getting a little unsettling. I'm happily married, and more importantly, my wife owns a gun. Is there a setting I can use to block these annoying pests, or at the very least, skew my appeal in the direction of somebody less Slavic?
A: Well for one thing, you could stop searching our site using the keywords "triple penetration". Meanwhile, to throw off the net fishing web robots, try populating your browser's search history with multiple frequent visits to websites that are notoriously unappealing to anyone remotely ethnic. For starters, try foxnews.com. Or if your situation is extreme and you want to go "scorched earth" and basically destroy your credibility and market appeal to anybody with a pulse, start clicking on houseofrepresentatives.us
Q: Now that alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has made it to the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, can we expect to see even more inflammatory magazine cover controversies?
A: Absolutely. However, because, in the world of content marketing, the over exposure of youth oriented pop-terrorism has already become passe, they'll likely no longer involve domestic terrorists unless there's either a Jihadist low-carb diet or a Kardashian involved. Expect instead to see demographic ticket punchers that appeal to the fast populating under-retired/over-60 market targets. For instance, according to industry insider sources, AARP Magazine is planning an upcoming issue featuring Whitey Bulger on the cover for a revealing look at the special challenges of living on the lam for murderers over 70.
Q: I am a regular reader of KIELBASABLOG, and I have noticed a recent decline in the frequency of postings to both TODAY'S KIELBASABLOG and THE DAILY BAD. Productivity seems to be down. Is there a problem?
A: A problem??? You're goddamn right there's a problem. The problem is that while you're sitting there measuring productivity and adjusting the crotch of your skinny jeans and drinking your fucking latte, we're at our regular jobs, toiling thanklessly, suffering silently, breaking our backs for "the man" under horrific conditions to put bread on the table for our families, most of whom have no idea who we are...because they NEVER SEE US! Then, and only then, after we're done doing our breadwinning, do we ever have time to even think about the energy needed to create the high quality content our devoted fans (all seven of them) have come to expect.
The other problem is that about a year ago last March, we pretty much ran out of ideas, which says a lot, because most of our story ideas were stolen to begin with.
Next!
Q: I can't seem to find anyplace on this site where I can purchase KIELBASABLOG souvenirs. In particular I'm interested in oven mitts, toaster cozys, kitchen magnets and plastic inflatable Asian women. Some help please???
A: Okay, clearly you do need help. ...Except the part about the inflatable Asian doll thing. We totally get that. Meanwhile the best way we can help you is to remind you that you are the only one who really knows who you are. Literally. So far, nobody here can figure out your password, which is fortunate for you because if we could, it's pretty certain you'd be in jail by now. So stop stressing about fetishes, start enjoying differences, and start owning the qualities that make you...you, ...tiger-man. ;)
Q: I thought "FAQ" meant "frequently asked questions"...as in questions that many different people commonly have and frequently ask. But most of the questions you print here are totally random useless queries dealing with whatever topic you seem to feel is appropriate at the moment, ...and half of them don't even make any sense, AND, predictably, almost none are ever signed. What gives?
A: What gives?!? Your Momma gives, is what gives. And for your information, Judge Judy, there is no law that says "FAQ" has to mean anything!!! It could mean "frequently asked questions". It could mean "fancy ass queries". It could mean "furry animal quesadilla". What it doesn't mean is that you have the right to look down your nose at us just because we don't seem to speak good and meet your snooty literary standards. So why don't you go back to reading your books or polishing your Audi or listening to NPR or writing your manifesto or whatever else it is that you do in Perfectville and let us go about our business in peace.
Q: I've noticed that sometimes the editorial tone of Kielbasablog FAQ responses seem to take on a decidedly contemptuous "edge".
A: (sigh)..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................and?
Q: Often after visiting your site I find my mailbox is full of emails from heavenly accented East-European women (seemingly all Romanian) who want to meet me at the local Fridays so I can join them for some cheesy-fries and a session of "teaching them how to drive". I like to think I have an open mind, but it's all getting a little unsettling. I'm happily married, and more importantly, my wife owns a gun. Is there a setting I can use to block these annoying pests, or at the very least, skew my appeal in the direction of somebody less Slavic?
A: Well for one thing, you could stop searching our site using the keywords "triple penetration". Meanwhile, to throw off the net fishing web robots, try populating your browser's search history with multiple frequent visits to websites that are notoriously unappealing to anyone remotely ethnic. For starters, try foxnews.com. Or if your situation is extreme and you want to go "scorched earth" and basically destroy your credibility and market appeal to anybody with a pulse, start clicking on houseofrepresentatives.us
Q: Now that alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has made it to the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, can we expect to see even more inflammatory magazine cover controversies?
A: Absolutely. However, because, in the world of content marketing, the over exposure of youth oriented pop-terrorism has already become passe, they'll likely no longer involve domestic terrorists unless there's either a Jihadist low-carb diet or a Kardashian involved. Expect instead to see demographic ticket punchers that appeal to the fast populating under-retired/over-60 market targets. For instance, according to industry insider sources, AARP Magazine is planning an upcoming issue featuring Whitey Bulger on the cover for a revealing look at the special challenges of living on the lam for murderers over 70.
Q: I am a regular reader of KIELBASABLOG, and I have noticed a recent decline in the frequency of postings to both TODAY'S KIELBASABLOG and THE DAILY BAD. Productivity seems to be down. Is there a problem?
A: A problem??? You're goddamn right there's a problem. The problem is that while you're sitting there measuring productivity and adjusting the crotch of your skinny jeans and drinking your fucking latte, we're at our regular jobs, toiling thanklessly, suffering silently, breaking our backs for "the man" under horrific conditions to put bread on the table for our families, most of whom have no idea who we are...because they NEVER SEE US! Then, and only then, after we're done doing our breadwinning, do we ever have time to even think about the energy needed to create the high quality content our devoted fans (all seven of them) have come to expect.
The other problem is that about a year ago last March, we pretty much ran out of ideas, which says a lot, because most of our story ideas were stolen to begin with.
Next!